Texas This Weekend // Best and Worst Paint Schemes

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These guys and gal are back from their sunny vacations, and we don’t know who looks better – there glistening tans and bleach blond hair or these super fast machines we call cars. The answer, always. THESE CARS!

We are heading to Texas this weekend where everything is bigger and better! The one weekend out of the year where my car isn’t the best looking or worst looking in this great state and where I instantly becoming the 44th best driver in the state. The great ones always know when it is time to put a side their greatness.

As always, we pick our favorite drivers like girls pick which team is going to win the NCAA tournament. Their jerseys. And we get pretty amped up when the paint schemes come out. Because I like NASCAR. And I like Design. So when the two come together.. “Oh word?”

THE BEST OF THE BEST

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Kyle Larson will drive the No. 42 Axe White Label Chevrolet.

You’ve heard the old saying, “Always wear white after April Fool’s Day.”

Kyle Larson is BACK. And he has earned the top spot on this week’s paint preview simply because he took the initiative to film it – then post it on the internet. Don’t care who you are, (yes even you Carl Edwards) you do that and you’ve won me over.

It also doesn’t hurt that this car looks sharp. Some people would say that bringing a white car to a motor speedway is like wearing them white boat shoes to a mud wrestling match.

Kyle Larson says to them people – “You’re welcome.”

original-2Michael McDowell will drive the No. 95 Thrivent Financial Ford.

thats-high-praiseFor a split second I thought this was a Jeff Gordon car. Now that’s HIGH PRAISE!

But it’s not. Jeff. Gordon’s car. It is Mr. Michael McDowell’s No. 95 Thrivent Financial Ford brother and oh boy is that a sweet looking ride.

You normally don’t see such good looking cars/people/things with such a high jersey number that look so pretty. Here’s to you Mr. Michael McDowell – representing for the little guy. Err, big guy.

original-1Danica Patrick will drive the No. 10 Tax ACT / GoDaddy Chevrolet.

The half and half paint scheme is really working here. And not only because it has to. It actually does.

Danica Patrick basically strong armed convinced TaxACT with a dominate performance at Martinsville. How could they not stay on? Danica is having a pretty great year and other than the upwards of $750,000 it costs to sponsor one NASCAR race – TaxACT decided to go with the hood.

This car looks like an extremely well designed car put through the “NASCAR Thunder 2004” design feature. That’s a compliment I swear. Those things are hard.

I like it, and you should too. (Seriously Ricky just say you like it)

THE WORST OF THE REST

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Jamie McMurray will drive the No. 1 McDonalds Chevrolet.

This is just lazy. It kind of looks like someone just figured out how to use the gradient tool in Illustrator. Just lazy.

I’m not messing around here and getting straight to the point.

What’s the deal McDonalds? You have all the money in the world. You have all the time to throw together that weird, patting yourselves on the pack, we care about America but we’re just not so sorry your kids are fat commercial. And then there is this?

What’d you do pay with Lovin’? How’d that work out? BECAUSE I’VE GONE TO MCDONALD’S A “SUPER SIZE ME” DOCUMENTARY WORTH AMOUNT OF TIMES TO TRY AND PAY WITH A PHONE CALL TO MY MOM AND NOTHING. NOTHING!!!

But this isn’t about me..

HONORABLE MENTION

original-4David Ragan will drive the No. 18 Interstate Batteries Toyota.

For those of you scratching your head – this is the Honorable Mention section, not The Worst Of The Worst. (Not even The Wurst of the Worst)

Reason being, way back when I judged this exact same paint scheme as “The Best of the Rest”. That was when I was young, immature and on a positive outlook on life binge. But as I see it again.. I scratch my head.

Call it, nostalgia. I will always love the No. 18 Interstate Batteries car until the day you die. You can thank Bobby Labonte, my all-time favorite NASCAR driver for that. So it is hard for me to knock this car, NO MATTER WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

That’s why it makes it to the Honorable Mention section. It is honorably not a great looking car. So I have to just mention that.

That is all.

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Las Vegas This Week // Best and Worst Paint Schemes

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Too much of the filth you see on the internet is negative. Don’t get me wrong I am no hero, but one thing I can do – NOTHING BUT THE BEST OF THE WEEKEND! That’s right, no worsts. If you are looking for worsts go check out your local German Sausage Haus. #NailedIt

This we are are in Las Vegas. But you know that, because you read my amazing Power Rankings rundown with the help of our friends – heist films. If there’s anything I know about Las Vegas, I’ve heard it from my parents. And what I’ve heard is that it is all flash! Look at the hauler parade they just had the other day, shutting down the strip just to show off 40 some 18-wheelers. That’s ba son. That’s NASCAR in Sin City. “How about that ride in?”

So if the haulers are all flash, the cars gotta be too right? Let’s just say yes. After we get this no-fun, politically correct, not being negative article I will tell you how I really feel about the cars designs this season..

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They’re AWESOME! Wink. Wink.

As always, we pick our favorite drivers like girls pick which team is going to win the NCAA tournament. Jersey colors. But because these guys and Danica don’t really wear jerseys, we pick em by their cars. And we get pretty amped up when the paint schemes come out. Because I like NASCAR. And I like Design. So when the two come together.. “Oh word?”

So if you can’t win, you might as well look good!

THE BEST OF THE BEST

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Jimmie Johnson will drive the No. 48 Kobalt Tools Chevrolet

Who says NASCAR isn’t in touch with the sophisticated/art loving/modern bigger world of today? This car reminds me of a beautiful minimalistic series that one might find at MoMa or at La Louvre. Did I just compare Jimmie Johnson’s car to the Mona Lisa? No. But one day, when the French discover NASCAR – again – you never know where a stock car might end up.

I like this car because like JJ, it’s all business. He just came off an impressive win in Atlanta, coming off a less than impressive 2014 year. Jimmie doesn’t need any bells or whistles to remind you who he is or what he’s done. (Won 6 Championships). Just give him something fresh and clean that may also resemble his sponsor this week and he will put that thing in La Louvre. Or at least victory lane.

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Kasey Kahne will drive the No. 5 Time Warner Cable Chevrolet

You guys Hendrick Motorsports just gets it right. It is definitely why they have won 15 championships since 1995. It is absolutely why they own every engine you see powering these stock cars around them ovals. And it is emphatically why they made it in to this best of the best preview for Las Vegas – twice, back to back. Emphatically. THE PAINT. They just get it you guys. What is it? It is the paint. Nothing to crazy, nothing in your face (talking to you Bug-B-Gon). Looks clean, sleek, modern, fast, and clean and nice.

It’s not to hard to be positive still. I promise. This is easy. I mean just ask Kasey Kahne. (Oh boy).

THE BEST OF THE REST

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Joey Logano will drive the No. 22 Penzoil Ford

Joey Logano’s car may not be the greatest looking from a design standpoint. But who am I to judge? I just recently put a left shark on a wrestling mat to promote one of the biggest duals of the year. Yeah. I did that.

Irregardless of good/bad design. This car is dope. I have to give Joey some DAP for this car since I gave the young and talented Kyle Larson all that love for his battery inspired car last week.

Joey. You are fast. You are furious. (I hate myself for that). You are driving perhaps the weirdest car of the weekend. And for that I applaud you.

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Erik Jones will drive the No. 20 Interstate Batteries Toyota

Wait scratch that Joey.

IMG_0598This car is weird. And I love it. This one is near and dear to my heart. My favorite driver of all-time is Bobby Labonte. I have an amazing Bobby Labonte Interstate Batteries hat that I wore to my first ever Nationwide (RIP. Too soon?) Race and heard not my first ever curse words because everyone thought it was a Kyle Busch hat. I loved it.

I love this design. It is different. It is catches your eye. I’m sure once it hits top speed this weekend in Vegas it will look like a some James Cameron type Avatar – wait for it, AVACAR! This thing is sweet. It is no Hendrick Motorsports (well not fully – engine guys), but if you can’t beat ’em, out paint ’em.

HONORABLE MENTION

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Carl Edwards will drive the No. 19 Comcast Business Toyota

Carl Edwards just wanted to remind people that he still has speed – I guess. The honorable mention has been a fun time honoring and dishonoring (not today!) people for a myriad of ideas they have. Whether it is mounting the tarantula from “Home Alone” on the front of your car or writing out “Drive Safe You Guys At The End Of The Day Safety Is First, Teamwork Is Second – Well More Like 1B, We Want Everyone To Get Home For Supper Tonight” on the side of your car. (It was a small font).

This message is spot on. This car, Ripley’s Believe It Or Not is “Built For Speed” ladies and gentleman. Just the message you want to send as you roll up to the start line. Next time just don’t forget to credit your source.*

*Hendrick Motorsports.

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OhKs #33 // Larry Bird (9-24-14)

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This week’s episode starts out with an Public Service Announcement to podcasters everywhere – be careful what you say about Roger Goodell or ESPN may suspend you. The Oh’s Knows Bro’s then discuss the Iowa Hawkeyes and take a stab at predicting the upcoming Big Ten schedule. After a brief discussion about the ACL Music Festival, gambling and treating your girlfriend right the guys play some games! IMDB Movie Game, and like always a very special themed game of “Who, Who Are You?” This podcast is dedicated to Larry Bird #33 in your programs #1 in your hearts.

OhKs #32 // Cats vs. Dogs (9-17-14)

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Oh word? A new theme song for a very special game?! But before that – Adam and Nick, the Oh’s Knows Brothers not to be confused, talk about the crushing Iowa Hawkeyes loss as well as the biggest surprises so far in the NFL season when it comes to on the field activity. They also break down the first race of the NASCAR Chase and debate over who will be there at the end, cough Jimmie, cough not. Then the new theme song rolls us into a not so spirited round of “Top4 Movie Game” and someone mails it in “Who, Who Are You?”

NASCAR’s Chase Playoffs // How They’ll Finish

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With a little help from Nic Cage.

If you’ve read or stumbled upon or been forced to read this blog before. You know we love to mix sports with movies. Especially movie quotes because as we all know, you can relate them to absolutely anything. So why not try our hand with the NASCAR Chase, and how I think this will all play out. And to help out, I thought I’d bring in my dear friend, Mr. Nicolas Cage.

Enjoy!

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16. ARIC ALMIROLANational Treasure

Powell: How do a bunch of guys with hand tools build all this?

Ben Gates: Same way they built the pyramids – and the Great Wall of China.

Riley Poole: Yeah… the aliens helped them.

I like Aric. But let’s be honest, if it weren’t for the aliens and the new Chase rules he wouldn’t be here in the playoffs. Good for him though. It’s not like he is a bad driver, and this should get him some good exposure.. for 3 races. Honestly, it will be fun to see if he can battle it out and beat the Dinger for last. Side bets anyone?

15. AJ ALLMENDINGER – National Treasure

Riley Poole: Anyone crazy enough to believe us isn’t gonna want to help.

Ben Gates: We don’t need someone crazy. But one step short of crazy, what do you get?

Riley Poole: Obsessed.

Ben Gates: Passionate.

Like I said before, The Dinger may be battling it out for last place with #43, and like Aric – he’s lucky to be here. He’s a hell of a driver and he’s extra lucky considering all the craziness he’s been through to even be in a race car. He’s obsessed. And passionate. See what I did there? But you need more than that to win.

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14. KYLE BUSCH – Con Air

Baby O: How am I doing, son?

Cameron Poe: You’re doing fine.

Kyle just needs a good pep talk and a keep your head up kid after this year. He’s definitely going to forget all about 2014, as he may have already thrown in the towel on the season. It pains me to put him this low but he’s had worse luck this season than an NFL running back. Too soon? Sorry Kyle. And mom.

13. RYAN NEWMAN – Ghost Rider

Caretaker: You all right?

Johnny Blaze: Yeah, I’m good. I feel like my skull is on fire, but I’m good.

Man I like Ryan too. And the only reason I put him in front of Kyle is because.. Well yeah we went over that. (See NFL running backs). Ryan is a hell of a good driver who for getting kicked to the curb by Stewart-Haas is trying to put up a respectable showing for new owner Richard Childress by being the lone wolf in the Chase for said team. But he’s got to feel a little Ghost Rider-y after this season.

12. KASEY KAHNE – Gone In 60 Seconds

Freb: I can deliver more than pizzas, huh? Boosted her myself.

Donny: How did you get this car?

Freb: Actually, the keys were in it.

Donny: Well, that kinda defies the point.

Memphis: You stole a car that wasn’t on the list. Why don’t you just go to the police station in a red clown suit and let everybody know what we’re doing here?

I like Kasey. Is it weird that I keep saying I like these guys.. right before I rip them? I don’t not like Kasey. And he’s a hell of a driver, (that’s a nice way of saying I don’t like him), but I have to imagine if he wasn’t driving for Hendrick he wouldn’t be in the Chase. I mean the keys are just in the car. And you’re there. Don’t expect big things from him this fall.

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11. KURT BUSCH – Lord of War

Yuri Orlov: Any friend of my brothers’ is a… a friend of my brothers’.

Don’t lump Kurt in the same category as Kyle. Mainly because Kurt isn’t as good as Kyle, but eff Kyle is having a bad year. I couldn’t figure out which brother deserved this quote more. I wonder which one of them wouldn’t want to be lumped in with the other. Luckily for Kurt, he’s had better luck this year than little brother.

10. DENNY HAMLIN – Leaving Las Vegas

Ben Sanderson: I think when I’m done with this I’ll have a gin and tonic.

Listen Denny I know you don’t drink, and party, any more and I know you ripped us all to shreds at that press conference when you had rust in your eye. I’m not saying you’re going to drink after the Chase. But you’re going to wish you had one. Denny has to be wondering how and when he’s going to return to dominance again. And who knows maybe a gin and tonic would help!

9. GREG BIFFLE – Gone In 60 Seconds

Memphis: I just stole fifty cars in one night! I’m a little tired, little wired, and I think I deserve a little appreciation!

I don’t think Biff gets as much credit as he really deserves. He’s got to be feeling like he stole damn near fifty cars in one night just to get into this chase. And I’d love to put the Biff higher than 9 I really would! But there is a lot of freaking talent up there at the top. And unfortunately I don’t think the Biff can hang. But I appreciate you anyway sir!

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8. MATT KENSETH – Lord of War

Yuri Orlov: There are two types of tragedies in life. One is not getting what you want, the other is getting it.

Matt Kenseth has been to the top. He’s won it all. So he knows what it feels like. But it sure has been a while since he’s been there. I kept picking him to win over and over again this year and it never happened. He is Mr. Consistent. Unfortunately, because of you Matt, you gotta win to be in. And it just isn’t happening this year.

7. CARL EDWARDS – Con Air

Cameron Poe: Yeah, but like at this new prison you’re goin’ to, who’s gonna watch your back?

Baby O: God’s got my back. You know what I’m sayin’?

Carl’s last ride for ole Jack. If I were him, I’d just make sure I ain’t going out there and pissing off any of my new teammates. Yeah he could go for the Championship. But.. do we really think he’s got what it takes? I sure don’t. If you aren’t running a Hendrick or Penske car.. Or named Kevin. Just try to make nice.

6. JOEY LOGANO – 8MM

Max California: What is this?

Tom Welles: Money. People use it to buy goods and services.

Yeah I could say something about how Joey is rich and was given everything and so on and so forth. But that would be too easy. It’s also hard to keep saying that after the year Joey has had. Dude has been driving like he stole it week in and week out. Think he’s still a little to young to take it home, but maybe I’ll be wrong for the first time ever. Doubt it.

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5. JIMMIE JOHNSON – Gone In 60 Seconds

Memphis: Without disappointment you cannot appreciate victory.

Det. Roland Castlebeck: Did Eleanor tell you that?

What? Jimmie Johnson fifth? Yeah man. I did that. Listen I know you’ll be laughing in my face 10 weeks from now telling me how dumb I am. But he wasn’t even like the 5th best driver all year. I mean he’s the #1 best driver of all-time (whoa there) but he hasn’t been as dominant as always. Yes he’s 6-time, and that’s why I bumped him up to fifth. Let’s just say after this year he’ll appreciate those Championships a little more.

4. DALE EARNHARDT JR. – National Treasure

Ben Gates: [upset] I just… really thought I was gonna find the treasure.

Patrick Gates: Okay. Then we just keep looking for it.

Abigail Chase: I’m in.

Dale is the most emotional guy after races. And it pains me to see. He’s so close this year. And it would be so dominant to see him win it all and standing in Victory Lane in Homstead. Him, Steve and Amy. Listen we are all rooting for that. You, me, Wal-Mart, freaking NASCAR. We’d love to see it. But I just don’t think he’s quite there.. But again. I’d love to be wrong. For once. Especially when it comes to this prediction. JOOOOONYAAHHHHHHH!!!

3. BRAD KESELOWSKI – Lord of War

Yuri Orlov: I was the same man who was not good enough for you before, and I’m just not good enough for you now.

Eh I don’t even really know what this quote means. I asked Brad on Twitter what his favorite Nic Cage movie was and he never got back to me. Oh cool you have a girlfriend now? So do I. Either way Bad Brad has got to be most people’s pick to win it all. I’m not most people. There’s at least 2 people way faster than this dude..

2. JEFF GORDON – Gone In 60 Seconds

Memphis: I am a baaaad man.

Whoa. I use to hate Jeff Gordon. My brother loved him when we were younger and I would make fun of him so hard. One missed shipment and comfy ass Jeff Gordon shirt later – I love the dude. And how couldn’t you? I mean I wish he would grow his mustache back but that’s beside the point. Like Memphis Raines, Jeff has to be going into this thinking he’s a bad man. He is. Between him and another Freaky Fast driver, it’s a toss up to who would show up to the track on Sunday with the faster car. This is Jeff Gordon’s to lose. Damnit he’s so fast I want to pick him to win it all.

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1. KEVIN HARVICK – Con Air

Cameron Poe: If this thing goes bad, Larkin, I don’t think my daughter will… understand. If you speak to my wife again, you tell her: that I love her. She’s my hummin’bird. But, I couldn’t leave a fallen man behind. You’ll do that for me, won’t you, Larkin?

Vince Larkin: Sure, I will. What are you gonna do for me?

Cameron Poe: What do you think I’m gonna do? I’m gonna save the fuckin’ day!

Call it favoritism. Call it advertising at it’s finest (I love Budweiser. Jimmy John’s is great too). Call it what you want. But Kevin Harvick has been the fastest dude on four wheels almost every damn week this year. From the get go. Yes yes yes it takes more than that and Kevin hasn’t had that. We’re over it. Tony Stewart and the Stewart-Haas team are all in this year, bringing in new pit crew members to get this Freaky Fast #4 Chevy to Homstead and to hoist that Championship trophy. Kevin is due. He’s been there. Man he has been there so many times and been so close. He’s got SPEED. And a lot of it. He’s going to leave it out there these next 10 weeks, rubbin’, racing and doing anything and everything it takes to save the fuckin’ day. And win that NASCAR Sprint Cup Championship. #Huh.

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