“Quote, Unquote” // NASCAR Power Rankings No. 4

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Going on four what feels like a dozen races in to the 2014 NASCAR season, and it just keeps getting better doesn’t it? If you didn’t like the rubbin’ and racing at Bristol, then you can just get the hell out. Dale fell from grace this week, not too far, but we had quite the shakeup. If I was ranking on how they woulda, coulda and shoulda finished (and I was close), Mr. Kevin Harvick would be your clear number one driver. Thanks again for those engines Rick Hendrick! Either way, it has been a bleeping heck of a good time through four races, and next week we head back west to Fontana fun!

This week – because it has been raining like cats and dogs and they sure have been coincidentally been promoting the hell, sorry Jesus, out of this Noah movie. Ladies and gentlemen, Russell Crowe.

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1. Brad Keselowski (LW: 2) – American Gangster

FBI Agent: If you want, we can assign someone to you?

Detective Richie Roberts: FBI protection? My life is dangerous enough as it is!

2. Carl Edwards (LW: 7) – Noah

Noah: The beginning! The beginning of everything!

3. Kevin Harvick (LW: 3) – Gladiator

Robin Longstride: Ask me nicely.

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4. Dale Earnhardt Jr. (LW: 4) – 3:10 to Yuma

Ben Wade: Remind me never to play poker in this town.

5. Jeff Gordon (LW: 6) – Robin Hood

Robin Longstride: Rise and rise again until lambs become lions.

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6. Joey Logano (LW: 4) – A Beautiful Mind

Nash: They are my past. Everyone is haunted by their past.

7. Denny Hamlin (LW: NR) – Gladiator 

Maximus: I am required to kill, so I kill. That is enough.

8. Jimmie Johnson (LW: 5) – Gladiator

Maximus: Are you not entertained? Are you not entertained? Is this not why you are here?

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9. Kasey Kahne (LW: NR) – Man of Steel

Jor-El: Our people can co-exist.

10. Matt Kenseth (LW: 9) – A Beautiful Mind

Nash: In competitive behavior someone always loses.

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Honorable Mention

Greg Biffle (LW: NR) – Mystery, Alaska

John Biebe: You’ve been smilin’ a lot lately.

Tony Stewart (LW: NR) – A Beautiful Mind

Nash: You wanted to see if I was crazy and would screw everything up if I actually won.

“Quote, Unquote” // NASCAR Power Rankings No. 3

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Three races in to the 2014 NASCAR season and it has been exciting as all get out. Dale Jr. rolled the dice (never gets old) in Vegas and came up short, just a little bit and the Karate Kid Brad Keselowski took home the victory. There wasn’t much of a shake up towards the top, but everyone else who hasn’t won a race yet this year really needs to figure their shit out. Next week we head to Bristol for some good ole short track racing! Boogity!

This week – because he has a Karate Kid of his own, and because rumors are going around that he recently died on a movie shoot, he didn’t we want to honor Will Smith. Remember, he didn’t die, believe it or not some things on the internet are not true. Unless you read it here. Ladies and gentlemen, Will Smith.

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1. Dale Earnhardt Jr. (LW: 1) – Men In Black

Jay: There’s only one way off this planet, baby, and that’s through me.

2. Brad Keselowski (LW: 3) – Independence Day

Captain Steven Hiller: I ain’t heard no fat lady!

3. Kevin Harvick (LW: 2) – Independence Day

Captain Steven Hiller: I could’ve been at a barbecue!

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4. Joey Logano (LW: 9) – Men In Black

Jay: You know what the difference is between you and me? I make this look GOOD.

5. Jimmie Johnson (LW: 4) – Ali

Muhammad Ali: Is that all you got?

6. Jeff Gordon (LW: 5) – Enemy of the State

Robert Clayton Dean: Conspiracy theorists of the world unite.

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7. Carl Edwards (LW: 10) – Bad Boys

Mike Lowrey: Now that’s how you supposed to drive! From now on that’s how you drive!

8. Ryan Newman (LW: NR) – Hancock

Hancock: All of you people, blocking the intersection, you’re all idiots.

9. Matt Kenseth (LW: 7) – Hitch

Hitch: I just know that I want to be… miserable. Like, really miserable. But hey, if that’s what it takes for me to be happy, then… wait, that didn’t come out right.

10. Kyle Busch (LW: 6) – Wild Wild West

Capt. James West: Actually, I was thinking I’d stuff your little half-an-ass into one of these cannons and fertilize the landscape with ya.

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Honorable Mention

Paul Menard (LW: NR) – Bad Boys

Marcus Burnett: Hey man where-where-where’s your cup holder?

Mike Lowrey: I don’t have one.

Marcus Burnett: What the f- w’you mean you don’t have one? Eighty thousand dollars for this car and you ain’t got no damn cup holder?

Mike Lowrey: It’s $105,000 and this happens to be one of the fastest production cars on the planet. Zero to sixty in four seconds, sweetie. It’s a limited edition.

“Quote, Unquote” // NASCAR Power Rankings No. 2

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The second week in the 2014 NASCAR season is in the books. Mr. Kevin “Happy” Harvick won in the desert and is throwing his weight around in the Stewart-Haas Racing garage. He jumped a spot or two in the power rankings this week, and the one guy people may or may not have expected to be running so damn well at the start of the year isn’t going anywhere. Dale Jr. 1st and 2nd place. Ca’mon boys and girls. Jr. Nation is celebrating tonight!

This week – quotes from maybe the biggest come from behind Oscar winner of all-time, in honor of Matthew McConaghuey.

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1. Dale Earnhardt Jr. (LW: 1) – Dallas Buyers Club

Ron Woodroof: Am I fucking dreaming?

2. Kevin Harvick (LW: 4) – Dazed And Confused

Wooderson: Let me tell you what Melba Toast is packin’ right here, all right. We got 4:11 Positrac outback, 750 double pumper, Edelbrock intake, bored over 30, 11 to 1 pop-up pistons, turbo-jet 390 horsepower. We’re talkin’ some fuckin’ muscle.

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3. Brad Keselowski (LW: 6) — Ghosts of Girlfriends Past

Connor Mead: I am begging you: don’t run away. You and Paul have something so rare, so powerful! Don’t chicken out now.

4. Jimmie Johnson (LW: 3) – Magic Mike

Dallas: Fact is, the law says you cannot touch!

Dallas: But I think I see a lotta lawbreakers up in this house tonight…

5. Jeff Gordon (LW: 7) – Dazed And Confused

Wooderson: Let me tell you this, the older you get the more rules they’re gonna try to get you to follow. You just gotta keep livin’ man, L-I-V-I-N.

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6. Kyle Busch (LW: 5) – Dallas Buyers Club

Ron Woodroof: These fuckers are coming at me, man, from all angles. I wanna file a restraining order.

7. Matt Kenseth (LW: 8) – How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days

Ben: Is that too soon to be seeing a therapist?

8. Denny Hamlin (LW: 2) – We Are Marshall

Jack Lengyel: One day, not today, not tomorrow, not this season, probably not next season either but one day, you and I are gonna wake up and suddenly we’re gonna be like every other team in every other sport where winning is everything and nothing else matters.

9.  Joey Logano (LW: NR) – How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days

Ben: That’s what I was, huh? I was your guinea pig, somebody you can test your theories on.

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10. Carl Edwards (LW: NR) – Tropic Thunder

Rick Peck: How’s the adoption thing going?

Tugg Speedman: Not good.

Rick Peck: At least you get to choose yours. I’m stuck with mine.

Honorable Mention

Clint Bowyer (LW: HM) – Fool’s Gold

Ben ‘Finn’ Finnegan: Hey, boats sink! No one knows why!

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“Quote, UnQuote” // NASCAR Power Rankings No. 1

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The first week in the 2014 NASCAR season is in the books. Mr. Dale Earnhardt Jr. won The Great American Race and is poised to win it all this year. Right? That’s how that works isn’t it? Well he isn’t really guaranteed a Championship, but he does have a spot in the Chase, so that’s a good start. And although the super speedways are every man and woman’s race, we still have to come up with a power rankings. BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT AMERICA DOES. And because we like to go against the grain, and love movies – we thought we’d combine the two.

This week – quotes from some of the greatest comedies of all-time, in honor of Harold Ramis.

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1. Dale Earnhardt Jr. — Groundhog Day

Phil: I’m a god.

Rita: You’re God?

Phil: I’m a god. I’m not the God… I don’t think.

2. Denny Hamlin — Groundhog Day

Phil: I’m betting he’s going to swerve first.

3. Jimmie Johnson — Ghostbusters

Dr Ray Stantz: I think we’d better split up.

Dr. Egon Spengler: Good idea.

Dr. Peter Venkman: Yeah… we can do more damage that way.

4. Kevin Harvick — Animal HouseAnimal-House_a3933c4a_0

D-Day: We have an old saying in Delta House: don’t get mad, get even.

5. Kyle Busch — Caddyshack

Richard Richards: Better come in till this blows over.

Bishop: What do you think, fella?

Carl Spackler: I’d keep playing. I don’t think the heavy stuff’s gonna come down for quite awhile.

Bishop: You’re right. Anyway, the Good Lord would never disrupt the best game of my life.

6. Brad Keselowski — Groundhog Daygroundhog-day-driving

Phil: It’s the same thing your whole life: “Clean up your room. Stand up straight. Pick up your feet. Take it like a man. Be nice to your sister. Don’t mix beer and wine, ever.” Oh yeah: “Don’t drive on the railroad track.”

7. Jeff Gordon — Caddyshack

Ty Webb: I’m going to give you a little advice. There’s a force in the universe that makes things happen. And all you have to do is get in touch with it, stop thinking, let things happen, and be the ball.

8. Matt Kenseth — Caddyshack

Dr. Beeper: I thought you’d be the man to beat this year.

Ty Webb: I guess you’ll just have to keep beating yourself.

9. Kurt Busch — Ghostbusters

Dr. Peter Venkman: I’m gonna take back some of the things I said about you, Egon.

10. Paul Menard — CaddyshackMurray-Caddy-Shack-groundhog

Carl Spackler: Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac… It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole!

Honorable Mention

Austin Dillon and Clint Bowyer — Animal House

Flounder: I can’t believe I threw up in front of Dean Wormer.

Boon: Face it, Kent. You threw up “on” Dean Wormer.

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Race for the Chase: Matt Kenseth // 2 Days ’til Daytona

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Matt Kenseth — #20

  • Team: Joe Gibbs Racing / Toyota
  • Wins In 2013: 7
  • Last Year Chase Result: 2nd
  • Matt’s 2013 In A Nutshell: The Replacements (2000)

Jimmy McGinty: You know what separates the winners from the losers?

Shane Falco: The score?

Jimmy McGinty: No, getting back on the horse after getting kicked in the teeth.

Why Matt Kenseth will not win the chase in 2014:nscs_matt_kenseth.png.main

That pit stop in Phoenix was a kick to the teeth. Matt won 7 races last year. That’s one more than your 2013 Champion and 6-time Chase winner Jimmie Johnson had last year. Wait what? I looked around for this quote for a while, I swear it was in a movie. If not, it should have been. But when Matt was on. He was really on. And when he wasn’t on. He really sucked.

BONUS QUOTE!!!: Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (2006)

Ricky Bobby: If you ain’t first, you’re last.

Matt. You weren’t suppose to take Ricky seriously. That was a comedy movie! Basically Matt’s year looked like a really bad stock. Up and down up and down up and down up and down. That’s how stocks work right? Not sure. In 2013 if Matt wasn’t first. He was last. What happened to being consistent Matt?

Why Matt Kenseth will win the chase in 2014:

I believe that like Shane Falco, Matt Kenseth will be able to get back on the horse after a what almost felt like a very dominating regular season in 2013. Did you catch those duels last night? Joe Gibbs racing is looking pretty damn sharp heading into this season. They’ve always looked sharp. And Matt Kenseth has been virtually unstoppable since he’s arrived. The best part about Matt? You don’t hear from him much. He’s not going to get in a Twitter war or do a backflip off his car after a win or probably not punch a driver after the race. Don’t test him though. He goes out there and gets it done. That’s the reason why you knew about all his dominant wins last year, and may not of heard from him when he finished in 30th position. Which he did last year. A few times. 3 to be exact. And one 40th place finish. With a few handfuls of 20th or higher place finishes. Ouch. I mean that’s the reason why the guy didn’t win the whole shebang in 2013! Of course, accidents happen. Blown engines happen. Unfortunately, bad pit stops happen. But don’t expect to see much of that this year. There will be no more incidents in the pits like in Phoenix last year. You better believe those guys have been absolutely working harder and training harder than ever to get this guy that Chase trophy that NASCAR tried to make sure he wouldn’t get back after they changed the Chase rules, one of the first times, after his run in 2003. You know Matt is going to continue to win like he did last year. Shoot look at that Duel just last night. With more top 10’s and fewer mishaps putting him towards the back of the pack. How in the hell won’t this guy win in 2014?

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Best and Worst of the Weekend

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7dd87c53ea80bb25420f6a7067007e60Nicholas:

BEST // Iowa Hawkeyes double up, wins in Basketball Friday night and Football on Saturday. In heaven there is no beer.

WORST // Colts lose 38-8 to the 3-6 St. Louis Rams at home. Probably! – moving them out of the Top 5 in the Oh’s Knows Power Rankings.

photo (20)Adam:

BEST // Hawks basketball wins Friday night. Celtics beat the Heat on the night after the Hawks beat Purdue in football on Saturday. Fingers crossed Fantasy Football win on Sunday, followed by a Kevin Harvick #NASCAR victory and Budweiser bath after Carl Edwards runs out of gas. Capped by a Dallas Cowboys.. 

WORST // No worst. Possible best weekend ever. Let’s see how Monday morning goes before we call it..