Texas This Weekend // Best and Worst Paint Schemes

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These guys and gal are back from their sunny vacations, and we don’t know who looks better – there glistening tans and bleach blond hair or these super fast machines we call cars. The answer, always. THESE CARS!

We are heading to Texas this weekend where everything is bigger and better! The one weekend out of the year where my car isn’t the best looking or worst looking in this great state and where I instantly becoming the 44th best driver in the state. The great ones always know when it is time to put a side their greatness.

As always, we pick our favorite drivers like girls pick which team is going to win the NCAA tournament. Their jerseys. And we get pretty amped up when the paint schemes come out. Because I like NASCAR. And I like Design. So when the two come together.. “Oh word?”

THE BEST OF THE BEST

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Kyle Larson will drive the No. 42 Axe White Label Chevrolet.

You’ve heard the old saying, “Always wear white after April Fool’s Day.”

Kyle Larson is BACK. And he has earned the top spot on this week’s paint preview simply because he took the initiative to film it – then post it on the internet. Don’t care who you are, (yes even you Carl Edwards) you do that and you’ve won me over.

It also doesn’t hurt that this car looks sharp. Some people would say that bringing a white car to a motor speedway is like wearing them white boat shoes to a mud wrestling match.

Kyle Larson says to them people – “You’re welcome.”

original-2Michael McDowell will drive the No. 95 Thrivent Financial Ford.

thats-high-praiseFor a split second I thought this was a Jeff Gordon car. Now that’s HIGH PRAISE!

But it’s not. Jeff. Gordon’s car. It is Mr. Michael McDowell’s No. 95 Thrivent Financial Ford brother and oh boy is that a sweet looking ride.

You normally don’t see such good looking cars/people/things with such a high jersey number that look so pretty. Here’s to you Mr. Michael McDowell – representing for the little guy. Err, big guy.

original-1Danica Patrick will drive the No. 10 Tax ACT / GoDaddy Chevrolet.

The half and half paint scheme is really working here. And not only because it has to. It actually does.

Danica Patrick basically strong armed convinced TaxACT with a dominate performance at Martinsville. How could they not stay on? Danica is having a pretty great year and other than the upwards of $750,000 it costs to sponsor one NASCAR race – TaxACT decided to go with the hood.

This car looks like an extremely well designed car put through the “NASCAR Thunder 2004” design feature. That’s a compliment I swear. Those things are hard.

I like it, and you should too. (Seriously Ricky just say you like it)

THE WORST OF THE REST

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Jamie McMurray will drive the No. 1 McDonalds Chevrolet.

This is just lazy. It kind of looks like someone just figured out how to use the gradient tool in Illustrator. Just lazy.

I’m not messing around here and getting straight to the point.

What’s the deal McDonalds? You have all the money in the world. You have all the time to throw together that weird, patting yourselves on the pack, we care about America but we’re just not so sorry your kids are fat commercial. And then there is this?

What’d you do pay with Lovin’? How’d that work out? BECAUSE I’VE GONE TO MCDONALD’S A “SUPER SIZE ME” DOCUMENTARY WORTH AMOUNT OF TIMES TO TRY AND PAY WITH A PHONE CALL TO MY MOM AND NOTHING. NOTHING!!!

But this isn’t about me..

HONORABLE MENTION

original-4David Ragan will drive the No. 18 Interstate Batteries Toyota.

For those of you scratching your head – this is the Honorable Mention section, not The Worst Of The Worst. (Not even The Wurst of the Worst)

Reason being, way back when I judged this exact same paint scheme as “The Best of the Rest”. That was when I was young, immature and on a positive outlook on life binge. But as I see it again.. I scratch my head.

Call it, nostalgia. I will always love the No. 18 Interstate Batteries car until the day you die. You can thank Bobby Labonte, my all-time favorite NASCAR driver for that. So it is hard for me to knock this car, NO MATTER WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

That’s why it makes it to the Honorable Mention section. It is honorably not a great looking car. So I have to just mention that.

That is all.

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Power Rankings After Phoenix // With Help From The Ruthless

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harvick_shreds_phoenixWe could save you some time and stop the power rankings after #1 am I right? I mean is anyone even close to Harvick right now? This is just straight up ridiculous. Luckily I have the formula to Happy’s dominance and the reasons why he continues to dominant. 

Again. Straight up out of control!

But because I have nothing better to do and love digging through numerous upon numerous quotes from great classic movies – I figured what the hell. What’s 15 more!?

Due to the fact that Harvick is on such an unbelievable run of pure dominance. I looked to films with strong role models male characters who will stop at nothing to get their job done. Unfortunately these characters in these movies, like Mr. Javier Bardem in “No Country For Old Men” are murderers and just straight up bad people kids.

Bad people or not, I once again found movies with top dogs, dominators, ruthless, professional professionals that like T.I himself – all they do is win.

So this week I bring you, the best NASCAR drivers this 2015 Sprint Cup season thus far – with a little help from our friends, those ruthless bastards.. in movies.

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NO.1 KEVIN HARVICK
1st at Las Vegas / 1st at Phoenix
-Unforgiven

Little Bill Daggett: “Well, sir, you are a cowardly son of a bitch! You just shot an unarmed man!”
Will Munny: “Well, he should have armed himself.”

It sure does seem like Kevin Harvick has gone to a gun fight, but he’s the only one armed lately doesn’t it?

NO.2 JOEY LOGANO
10th at Las Vegas / 8th at Phoenix
-No Country For Old Men

Managerial Victim: “Mind riding bitch?”

Joey is having one heck of a year. Just so happens Mr. Happy is having one historic year.

NO.3 MARTIN TRUEX JR.
2nd at Las Vegas / 7th at Phoenix
-No Country For Old Men

Man who hires Wells: “Just how dangerous is he?”
Carson Wells: “Compared to what? The bubonic plague?”

We don’t really know how dangerous Martin is!? But he has proven that he shouldn’t be taken lightly anymore.

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NO.4 JIMMIE JOHNSON
41st at Las Vegas / 11th at Phoenix
-True Blood

Rambo: “I could have killed ’em all, I could’ve killed you. In town you’re the law, out here it’s me. Don’t push it! Don’t push it or I’ll give you a war you won’t believe. Let it go. Let it go!”

Chad Knaus may be the Greg Poppovich of NASCAR. Rest’em until the playoffs – then start trying. No way right?

NO.5 RYAN NEWMAN
3rd at Las Vegas / 3rd at Phoenix
-Taken

Saint Clair: “Please understand… it was all business. It wasn’t personal.”
Bryan: “It was all personal to me.”

Ryan Newman is a no non-sense, all business dude. And he continues to just get it done.

NO.6 KASEY KAHNE
17th at Las Vegas / 4th at Phoenix
-Taken

Kim: “You don’t have to worry.
Bryan: “That’s like telling water not to be wet, sweetie.

Maybe it’s just me, but if I was 4th string on a team like Kasey is I’d be worried a lot too. Been running better and better, maybe he’s stopped worrying.

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NO.7 DALE EARNHARDT JR.
4th at Las Vegas / 43rd at Phoenix
-No Country For Old Men

Poolside Woman: “Oh… that’s who you keep looking out the window for?”
Llewelyn Moss: “Half…”
Poolside Woman: “What else then…?”
Llewelyn Moss: “Just looking for what’s coming…”
Poolside Woman: “Yeah… But no one ever sees that coming…”

One race it seems like he’s going to win it all. The next, we’re left scratching our heads. You never know with this guy.

NO.8 BRAD KESELOWSKI
7th at Las Vegas / 6th at Phoenix
-True Blood

Deputy Mitch: “How blind are you? Can’t you see this guy’s crazy?”
Deputy Sergeant Arthur Gault: “Can’t you see I don’t give a shit?”

Same ol’ Bad Brad. Once he starts rolling and keeps not giving a shit – look out.

NO.9 MATT KENSETH
9th at Las Vegas / 16th at Phoenix
-No Country For Old Men

Ed Tom Bell: “How many of those things you got now?”
Ellis: “Cats? Several. Well, depends what you mean by got. Some are half-wild, and some are just outlaws.”

Cats = wins?

kurt-busch-and-aj-allmendinger_teokbml20m0x1d2tfoujm7432

NO.10 AJ ALLMENDINGER
6th at Las Vegas / 17th at Phoenix
-Taxi Driver

Travis Bickle: “Twelve hours of work and I still can’t sleep. Damn. Days go on and on. They don’t end.”

I swear that was intended to be a shot at The Dinger. Just that he’s putting in a lot of work and not seeing much reward!

NO.11 DENNY HAMLIN
5th at Las Vegas / 23rd at Phoenix
-Taxi Driver

Travis Bickle: “Shit… I’m waiting for the sun to shine.”

Will the sun ever shine again for Denny?

NO.12 CASEY MEARS
25th at Las Vegas / 20th at Phoenix
-Taxi Driver

Travis Bickle: “Now I see this clearly. My whole life is pointed in one direction. There never has been a choice for me.”

Love seeing Casey Mears do well. Now is his time to shine. Like a few other drivers, hope the recent success of good finishes is a confident boost.

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NO.13 DAVID RAGAN
22nd at Las Vegas / 21st at Phoenix
-Taxi Driver

Personnel Officer: “How’s your driving record? Clean?”
Travis Bickle: “It’s clean, real clean. Like my conscience.”

Been a pretty clean start to the year thus far taking over for Mr. Busch. How long will his driving record stay clean?

NO.14 KYLE LARSON
8th at Las Vegas / 10th at Phoenix
-Unforgiven

Will Munny: “Wanna help me count this, kid?”
The Schofield Kid: “I trust you.”
Will Munny: “Don’t go trusting me too much.”

Any day now he’s going to flip the switch, and he’s going to be a stone cold killer. Don’t go trusting his kid too much.

NO.15 PAUL MENARD
12th at Las Vegas / 14th at Phoenix
-No Country For Old Men

Anton Chigurh: “Step out of your car, please.”

For some reason I don’t think Paul responds well to please.

NO.16 CLINT BOWYER

21st at Las Vegas / 24th at Phoenix
-True Blood

Teasle: “Goddammit, what the hell do you think this is? Some kind of a circus?”

Maybe it is?

ClintBowyerNewMonkeys

 

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Phoenix This Weekend // Best & Worst Paint Schemes

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Off a very exciting Daytona 500, we head to Phoenix where the season “officially” starts. And because we pick our favorite drivers like girls pick which team is going to win the NCAA tournament, we get pretty amped up when the paint schemes come out. (Oh girls pick their favorite jerseys, not “student-athlete’s” cars – those are all black Escalades, that would get redundant. But it seems as if every year some girl wins the NCAA Bracket Pool creating a shit storm, but we will save that for another day)

Best of the Best: Kyle Busch in the #18 Skittles Toyota

It doesn’t get much better than this boys and girls. This is one sharp hot rod. I keep asking, praying, begging for Jeff Gordon to bring back the “Rainbow Warrior” car. I think this is the closest I will ever get to seeing that happen again. I’m actually really rooting for Kyle Busch to make it to victory lane so he can make it rain Skittles and shout, “TASTE THE RAINBOW SUCKAS!” The only thing that would make this car better is if Marshawn Lynch’s mug appeared somewhere on the car. Preferably the hood.

Check out this AWESOME video and my new dream job, of the new Skittle’s wrap being put on Kyle’s car: Kyle Busch to follow the rainbow to Phoenix

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Not the worst but ehh..: Paul Menard in the #27 Pittsburgh Paints/Menards Chevrolet

I like Paul. And being a Midwesterner, I like Menards. Great dog products. I also like to paint. This car isn’t terrible. But. Eh. It could be a lot better. C’mon Pittsburg Paints. I mean your logo is a rainbow, what about the freaking “Rainbow Warrior” car?!

I’m really sorry to worry about obsession with rainbows..

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Maybe a little worse, not terrible but still ehh..: Kyle Larson in the #42 Clorox Chevrolet

The only thing that would make this car worse is if Juan Pablo was still driving it.

Honorable Mention:

Dale Earnhardt JrScreen Shot 2014-02-28 at 9.05.34 PM

  • Sticking with the Daytona winning National Guard paint scheme. America. Love it.

Brad KeselowskiScreen Shot 2014-02-28 at 9.05.09 PM

  • Really enjoyed seeing the throwback Miller Lite Car. Guess I was wrong when said it’d be around for a while.

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  • I don’t think Jimmie’s Lowe’s car is ever going to make the best list. But it will never make the worst. Consistently a sharp looking car. Let’s jazz it up a little bit though eh 6-time?

Check out all released paint schemes here: Phoenix Paint Scheme Preview

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