NASCAR’s Chase Playoffs // How They’ll Finish

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With a little help from Nic Cage.

If you’ve read or stumbled upon or been forced to read this blog before. You know we love to mix sports with movies. Especially movie quotes because as we all know, you can relate them to absolutely anything. So why not try our hand with the NASCAR Chase, and how I think this will all play out. And to help out, I thought I’d bring in my dear friend, Mr. Nicolas Cage.

Enjoy!

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16. ARIC ALMIROLANational Treasure

Powell: How do a bunch of guys with hand tools build all this?

Ben Gates: Same way they built the pyramids – and the Great Wall of China.

Riley Poole: Yeah… the aliens helped them.

I like Aric. But let’s be honest, if it weren’t for the aliens and the new Chase rules he wouldn’t be here in the playoffs. Good for him though. It’s not like he is a bad driver, and this should get him some good exposure.. for 3 races. Honestly, it will be fun to see if he can battle it out and beat the Dinger for last. Side bets anyone?

15. AJ ALLMENDINGER – National Treasure

Riley Poole: Anyone crazy enough to believe us isn’t gonna want to help.

Ben Gates: We don’t need someone crazy. But one step short of crazy, what do you get?

Riley Poole: Obsessed.

Ben Gates: Passionate.

Like I said before, The Dinger may be battling it out for last place with #43, and like Aric – he’s lucky to be here. He’s a hell of a driver and he’s extra lucky considering all the craziness he’s been through to even be in a race car. He’s obsessed. And passionate. See what I did there? But you need more than that to win.

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14. KYLE BUSCH – Con Air

Baby O: How am I doing, son?

Cameron Poe: You’re doing fine.

Kyle just needs a good pep talk and a keep your head up kid after this year. He’s definitely going to forget all about 2014, as he may have already thrown in the towel on the season. It pains me to put him this low but he’s had worse luck this season than an NFL running back. Too soon? Sorry Kyle. And mom.

13. RYAN NEWMAN – Ghost Rider

Caretaker: You all right?

Johnny Blaze: Yeah, I’m good. I feel like my skull is on fire, but I’m good.

Man I like Ryan too. And the only reason I put him in front of Kyle is because.. Well yeah we went over that. (See NFL running backs). Ryan is a hell of a good driver who for getting kicked to the curb by Stewart-Haas is trying to put up a respectable showing for new owner Richard Childress by being the lone wolf in the Chase for said team. But he’s got to feel a little Ghost Rider-y after this season.

12. KASEY KAHNE – Gone In 60 Seconds

Freb: I can deliver more than pizzas, huh? Boosted her myself.

Donny: How did you get this car?

Freb: Actually, the keys were in it.

Donny: Well, that kinda defies the point.

Memphis: You stole a car that wasn’t on the list. Why don’t you just go to the police station in a red clown suit and let everybody know what we’re doing here?

I like Kasey. Is it weird that I keep saying I like these guys.. right before I rip them? I don’t not like Kasey. And he’s a hell of a driver, (that’s a nice way of saying I don’t like him), but I have to imagine if he wasn’t driving for Hendrick he wouldn’t be in the Chase. I mean the keys are just in the car. And you’re there. Don’t expect big things from him this fall.

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11. KURT BUSCH – Lord of War

Yuri Orlov: Any friend of my brothers’ is a… a friend of my brothers’.

Don’t lump Kurt in the same category as Kyle. Mainly because Kurt isn’t as good as Kyle, but eff Kyle is having a bad year. I couldn’t figure out which brother deserved this quote more. I wonder which one of them wouldn’t want to be lumped in with the other. Luckily for Kurt, he’s had better luck this year than little brother.

10. DENNY HAMLIN – Leaving Las Vegas

Ben Sanderson: I think when I’m done with this I’ll have a gin and tonic.

Listen Denny I know you don’t drink, and party, any more and I know you ripped us all to shreds at that press conference when you had rust in your eye. I’m not saying you’re going to drink after the Chase. But you’re going to wish you had one. Denny has to be wondering how and when he’s going to return to dominance again. And who knows maybe a gin and tonic would help!

9. GREG BIFFLE – Gone In 60 Seconds

Memphis: I just stole fifty cars in one night! I’m a little tired, little wired, and I think I deserve a little appreciation!

I don’t think Biff gets as much credit as he really deserves. He’s got to be feeling like he stole damn near fifty cars in one night just to get into this chase. And I’d love to put the Biff higher than 9 I really would! But there is a lot of freaking talent up there at the top. And unfortunately I don’t think the Biff can hang. But I appreciate you anyway sir!

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8. MATT KENSETH – Lord of War

Yuri Orlov: There are two types of tragedies in life. One is not getting what you want, the other is getting it.

Matt Kenseth has been to the top. He’s won it all. So he knows what it feels like. But it sure has been a while since he’s been there. I kept picking him to win over and over again this year and it never happened. He is Mr. Consistent. Unfortunately, because of you Matt, you gotta win to be in. And it just isn’t happening this year.

7. CARL EDWARDS – Con Air

Cameron Poe: Yeah, but like at this new prison you’re goin’ to, who’s gonna watch your back?

Baby O: God’s got my back. You know what I’m sayin’?

Carl’s last ride for ole Jack. If I were him, I’d just make sure I ain’t going out there and pissing off any of my new teammates. Yeah he could go for the Championship. But.. do we really think he’s got what it takes? I sure don’t. If you aren’t running a Hendrick or Penske car.. Or named Kevin. Just try to make nice.

6. JOEY LOGANO – 8MM

Max California: What is this?

Tom Welles: Money. People use it to buy goods and services.

Yeah I could say something about how Joey is rich and was given everything and so on and so forth. But that would be too easy. It’s also hard to keep saying that after the year Joey has had. Dude has been driving like he stole it week in and week out. Think he’s still a little to young to take it home, but maybe I’ll be wrong for the first time ever. Doubt it.

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5. JIMMIE JOHNSON – Gone In 60 Seconds

Memphis: Without disappointment you cannot appreciate victory.

Det. Roland Castlebeck: Did Eleanor tell you that?

What? Jimmie Johnson fifth? Yeah man. I did that. Listen I know you’ll be laughing in my face 10 weeks from now telling me how dumb I am. But he wasn’t even like the 5th best driver all year. I mean he’s the #1 best driver of all-time (whoa there) but he hasn’t been as dominant as always. Yes he’s 6-time, and that’s why I bumped him up to fifth. Let’s just say after this year he’ll appreciate those Championships a little more.

4. DALE EARNHARDT JR. – National Treasure

Ben Gates: [upset] I just… really thought I was gonna find the treasure.

Patrick Gates: Okay. Then we just keep looking for it.

Abigail Chase: I’m in.

Dale is the most emotional guy after races. And it pains me to see. He’s so close this year. And it would be so dominant to see him win it all and standing in Victory Lane in Homstead. Him, Steve and Amy. Listen we are all rooting for that. You, me, Wal-Mart, freaking NASCAR. We’d love to see it. But I just don’t think he’s quite there.. But again. I’d love to be wrong. For once. Especially when it comes to this prediction. JOOOOONYAAHHHHHHH!!!

3. BRAD KESELOWSKI – Lord of War

Yuri Orlov: I was the same man who was not good enough for you before, and I’m just not good enough for you now.

Eh I don’t even really know what this quote means. I asked Brad on Twitter what his favorite Nic Cage movie was and he never got back to me. Oh cool you have a girlfriend now? So do I. Either way Bad Brad has got to be most people’s pick to win it all. I’m not most people. There’s at least 2 people way faster than this dude..

2. JEFF GORDON – Gone In 60 Seconds

Memphis: I am a baaaad man.

Whoa. I use to hate Jeff Gordon. My brother loved him when we were younger and I would make fun of him so hard. One missed shipment and comfy ass Jeff Gordon shirt later – I love the dude. And how couldn’t you? I mean I wish he would grow his mustache back but that’s beside the point. Like Memphis Raines, Jeff has to be going into this thinking he’s a bad man. He is. Between him and another Freaky Fast driver, it’s a toss up to who would show up to the track on Sunday with the faster car. This is Jeff Gordon’s to lose. Damnit he’s so fast I want to pick him to win it all.

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1. KEVIN HARVICK – Con Air

Cameron Poe: If this thing goes bad, Larkin, I don’t think my daughter will… understand. If you speak to my wife again, you tell her: that I love her. She’s my hummin’bird. But, I couldn’t leave a fallen man behind. You’ll do that for me, won’t you, Larkin?

Vince Larkin: Sure, I will. What are you gonna do for me?

Cameron Poe: What do you think I’m gonna do? I’m gonna save the fuckin’ day!

Call it favoritism. Call it advertising at it’s finest (I love Budweiser. Jimmy John’s is great too). Call it what you want. But Kevin Harvick has been the fastest dude on four wheels almost every damn week this year. From the get go. Yes yes yes it takes more than that and Kevin hasn’t had that. We’re over it. Tony Stewart and the Stewart-Haas team are all in this year, bringing in new pit crew members to get this Freaky Fast #4 Chevy to Homstead and to hoist that Championship trophy. Kevin is due. He’s been there. Man he has been there so many times and been so close. He’s got SPEED. And a lot of it. He’s going to leave it out there these next 10 weeks, rubbin’, racing and doing anything and everything it takes to save the fuckin’ day. And win that NASCAR Sprint Cup Championship. #Huh.

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“Quote, Unquote” // NASCAR Power Rankings No. 4

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Going on four what feels like a dozen races in to the 2014 NASCAR season, and it just keeps getting better doesn’t it? If you didn’t like the rubbin’ and racing at Bristol, then you can just get the hell out. Dale fell from grace this week, not too far, but we had quite the shakeup. If I was ranking on how they woulda, coulda and shoulda finished (and I was close), Mr. Kevin Harvick would be your clear number one driver. Thanks again for those engines Rick Hendrick! Either way, it has been a bleeping heck of a good time through four races, and next week we head back west to Fontana fun!

This week – because it has been raining like cats and dogs and they sure have been coincidentally been promoting the hell, sorry Jesus, out of this Noah movie. Ladies and gentlemen, Russell Crowe.

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1. Brad Keselowski (LW: 2) – American Gangster

FBI Agent: If you want, we can assign someone to you?

Detective Richie Roberts: FBI protection? My life is dangerous enough as it is!

2. Carl Edwards (LW: 7) – Noah

Noah: The beginning! The beginning of everything!

3. Kevin Harvick (LW: 3) – Gladiator

Robin Longstride: Ask me nicely.

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4. Dale Earnhardt Jr. (LW: 4) – 3:10 to Yuma

Ben Wade: Remind me never to play poker in this town.

5. Jeff Gordon (LW: 6) – Robin Hood

Robin Longstride: Rise and rise again until lambs become lions.

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6. Joey Logano (LW: 4) – A Beautiful Mind

Nash: They are my past. Everyone is haunted by their past.

7. Denny Hamlin (LW: NR) – Gladiator 

Maximus: I am required to kill, so I kill. That is enough.

8. Jimmie Johnson (LW: 5) – Gladiator

Maximus: Are you not entertained? Are you not entertained? Is this not why you are here?

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9. Kasey Kahne (LW: NR) – Man of Steel

Jor-El: Our people can co-exist.

10. Matt Kenseth (LW: 9) – A Beautiful Mind

Nash: In competitive behavior someone always loses.

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Honorable Mention

Greg Biffle (LW: NR) – Mystery, Alaska

John Biebe: You’ve been smilin’ a lot lately.

Tony Stewart (LW: NR) – A Beautiful Mind

Nash: You wanted to see if I was crazy and would screw everything up if I actually won.

“Quote, Unquote” // NASCAR Power Rankings No. 3

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Three races in to the 2014 NASCAR season and it has been exciting as all get out. Dale Jr. rolled the dice (never gets old) in Vegas and came up short, just a little bit and the Karate Kid Brad Keselowski took home the victory. There wasn’t much of a shake up towards the top, but everyone else who hasn’t won a race yet this year really needs to figure their shit out. Next week we head to Bristol for some good ole short track racing! Boogity!

This week – because he has a Karate Kid of his own, and because rumors are going around that he recently died on a movie shoot, he didn’t we want to honor Will Smith. Remember, he didn’t die, believe it or not some things on the internet are not true. Unless you read it here. Ladies and gentlemen, Will Smith.

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1. Dale Earnhardt Jr. (LW: 1) – Men In Black

Jay: There’s only one way off this planet, baby, and that’s through me.

2. Brad Keselowski (LW: 3) – Independence Day

Captain Steven Hiller: I ain’t heard no fat lady!

3. Kevin Harvick (LW: 2) – Independence Day

Captain Steven Hiller: I could’ve been at a barbecue!

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4. Joey Logano (LW: 9) – Men In Black

Jay: You know what the difference is between you and me? I make this look GOOD.

5. Jimmie Johnson (LW: 4) – Ali

Muhammad Ali: Is that all you got?

6. Jeff Gordon (LW: 5) – Enemy of the State

Robert Clayton Dean: Conspiracy theorists of the world unite.

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7. Carl Edwards (LW: 10) – Bad Boys

Mike Lowrey: Now that’s how you supposed to drive! From now on that’s how you drive!

8. Ryan Newman (LW: NR) – Hancock

Hancock: All of you people, blocking the intersection, you’re all idiots.

9. Matt Kenseth (LW: 7) – Hitch

Hitch: I just know that I want to be… miserable. Like, really miserable. But hey, if that’s what it takes for me to be happy, then… wait, that didn’t come out right.

10. Kyle Busch (LW: 6) – Wild Wild West

Capt. James West: Actually, I was thinking I’d stuff your little half-an-ass into one of these cannons and fertilize the landscape with ya.

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Honorable Mention

Paul Menard (LW: NR) – Bad Boys

Marcus Burnett: Hey man where-where-where’s your cup holder?

Mike Lowrey: I don’t have one.

Marcus Burnett: What the f- w’you mean you don’t have one? Eighty thousand dollars for this car and you ain’t got no damn cup holder?

Mike Lowrey: It’s $105,000 and this happens to be one of the fastest production cars on the planet. Zero to sixty in four seconds, sweetie. It’s a limited edition.

EDUCATE News No.3 // Brad Doubles Down in Vegas #NASCAR (3-11-14)

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Brad Keselowski wins the Kobalt 400 in Las Vegas! It took Dale Jr. to run out of gas, but he won – and I don’t think he’s giving his trophy to Jr. anytime soon. EDUCATE News breaks down race, talks to the three winners in NASCAR so far this season, reviews the first ever EDUCATE Book of the Month Club and predicts next week’s winner in Bristol!

“It’s like if the #406 met SNL.” – Said no one ever.

A fake interview with the real Vegas winner // Brad Keselowski

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ME: You doubled down in Vegas this weekend, how does that feel?

BK: That’s what we came here to do and it feels great. You know I just love to race and to be able to go out there and race Nationwide and Sprint all in one weekend is a dream come true. And to win them both, that’s icing on the cake.

ME: Are you going to give Jr. that trophy since he handed you the victory?

BK: (Laughs) Absolutely not! He’s got a few trophies of his own, like that Daytona 500 one so I think he’ll do fine without this one.

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ME: What did it feel like to pass your mentor on the last lap?

BK: You know I wouldn’t be here without that guy. So it’s definitely bittersweet. One of the great things about this sport is that at the end of the day we’re all friends. But when you are out there on the track – it’s every man for himself.

ME: And woman.

BK: And woman.

ME: Be honest.. You were crying in victory lane weren’t you?

BK: Man there was so much Miller Lite flying around it got me square in both eyes it stung. I couldn’t see nothing.

ME: So you weren’t just really emotional?

BK: I was pretty emotional but I was more pumped up than anything.

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ME: You didn’t make the Chase last year. You are all but guaranteed a spot with this win, that has to feel good right?

BK: It feels great you know. We definitely have a lot more work to do but it is a huge weight off our shoulders. We plan on winning a few more races between now and come Chase time but it gives us the opportunity to mess around with the car and do some things we might not normally do if we didn’t know we wouldn’t be racing for that championship.

ME: How many Miller Lite’s do you drink after a win like this?

BK: We plan on having quite a few. I don’t plan on getting any in my eye though they are going to go down nice and smooth.

ME: Like 24?

BK: Maybe not that many. We got Bristol in just a few days!

ME: Can you please just do me one solid and drive the white throwback Miller Lite car the rest of the year?

BK: I’ll see what I can do.

ME: That’s fair.

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