Texas This Weekend // Best and Worst Paint Schemes

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These guys and gal are back from their sunny vacations, and we don’t know who looks better – there glistening tans and bleach blond hair or these super fast machines we call cars. The answer, always. THESE CARS!

We are heading to Texas this weekend where everything is bigger and better! The one weekend out of the year where my car isn’t the best looking or worst looking in this great state and where I instantly becoming the 44th best driver in the state. The great ones always know when it is time to put a side their greatness.

As always, we pick our favorite drivers like girls pick which team is going to win the NCAA tournament. Their jerseys. And we get pretty amped up when the paint schemes come out. Because I like NASCAR. And I like Design. So when the two come together.. “Oh word?”

THE BEST OF THE BEST

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Kyle Larson will drive the No. 42 Axe White Label Chevrolet.

You’ve heard the old saying, “Always wear white after April Fool’s Day.”

Kyle Larson is BACK. And he has earned the top spot on this week’s paint preview simply because he took the initiative to film it – then post it on the internet. Don’t care who you are, (yes even you Carl Edwards) you do that and you’ve won me over.

It also doesn’t hurt that this car looks sharp. Some people would say that bringing a white car to a motor speedway is like wearing them white boat shoes to a mud wrestling match.

Kyle Larson says to them people – “You’re welcome.”

original-2Michael McDowell will drive the No. 95 Thrivent Financial Ford.

thats-high-praiseFor a split second I thought this was a Jeff Gordon car. Now that’s HIGH PRAISE!

But it’s not. Jeff. Gordon’s car. It is Mr. Michael McDowell’s No. 95 Thrivent Financial Ford brother and oh boy is that a sweet looking ride.

You normally don’t see such good looking cars/people/things with such a high jersey number that look so pretty. Here’s to you Mr. Michael McDowell – representing for the little guy. Err, big guy.

original-1Danica Patrick will drive the No. 10 Tax ACT / GoDaddy Chevrolet.

The half and half paint scheme is really working here. And not only because it has to. It actually does.

Danica Patrick basically strong armed convinced TaxACT with a dominate performance at Martinsville. How could they not stay on? Danica is having a pretty great year and other than the upwards of $750,000 it costs to sponsor one NASCAR race – TaxACT decided to go with the hood.

This car looks like an extremely well designed car put through the “NASCAR Thunder 2004” design feature. That’s a compliment I swear. Those things are hard.

I like it, and you should too. (Seriously Ricky just say you like it)

THE WORST OF THE REST

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Jamie McMurray will drive the No. 1 McDonalds Chevrolet.

This is just lazy. It kind of looks like someone just figured out how to use the gradient tool in Illustrator. Just lazy.

I’m not messing around here and getting straight to the point.

What’s the deal McDonalds? You have all the money in the world. You have all the time to throw together that weird, patting yourselves on the pack, we care about America but we’re just not so sorry your kids are fat commercial. And then there is this?

What’d you do pay with Lovin’? How’d that work out? BECAUSE I’VE GONE TO MCDONALD’S A “SUPER SIZE ME” DOCUMENTARY WORTH AMOUNT OF TIMES TO TRY AND PAY WITH A PHONE CALL TO MY MOM AND NOTHING. NOTHING!!!

But this isn’t about me..

HONORABLE MENTION

original-4David Ragan will drive the No. 18 Interstate Batteries Toyota.

For those of you scratching your head – this is the Honorable Mention section, not The Worst Of The Worst. (Not even The Wurst of the Worst)

Reason being, way back when I judged this exact same paint scheme as “The Best of the Rest”. That was when I was young, immature and on a positive outlook on life binge. But as I see it again.. I scratch my head.

Call it, nostalgia. I will always love the No. 18 Interstate Batteries car until the day you die. You can thank Bobby Labonte, my all-time favorite NASCAR driver for that. So it is hard for me to knock this car, NO MATTER WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

That’s why it makes it to the Honorable Mention section. It is honorably not a great looking car. So I have to just mention that.

That is all.

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#GimmeFive // NASCAR

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As the world turns, by now you may have (or may not have) seen Jeff Gordon at the White House on “Live! With Regis and Kathie Lee” – and more importantly, asked one Dale Earnhardt Jr. to #GimmeFive.

In case you are still really confused, the #IceBucketChallenge #GimmeFive program is brought to you in part by FLOTUS and goes hand in hand with the “Let’s Move” program. If you are even more confused, read this.

So celebrities, non celebrities and everyone in between are challenging friends and loved ones to #GimmeFive.

While most of you know that the NASCAR community isn’t one to back down from a promotional campaign, you must know that once it hit the garages, it spread like wild fire.

That’s where I come in to catch you up to speed.. You’re Welcome.

#GIMMEFIVE

Dale Jr. challenges Jimmie Johnson to #GimmeFive more race cars.

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Jimmie Johnson challens Chad Knaus to #GimmeFive more Championships.

Chad Knaus challenegs NASCAR to #GimmeFive more horses.. of power.

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NASCAR challeneges Hendrick Motorsports to #GimmeFive more races with Chase Elliott.

Hendrick Motorsports challenges Chase’s pit crew to #GimmeFive more pieces of tape on the right front.

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Chase’s pit crew challenges Fox Sports One to #GimmeFive minutes of TV time.. On Fox.

Fox Sports One challenges Richard Petty to just #GimmeFive laps against Danica Patrick.

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Richard Petty challenges Danica Patrick to #GimmeFive – oh wait, I’m the King.

Danica Patrick challenges Tony Stewart to #GimmeFive more years at Stewart Haas Racing. Please.

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Tony Stewart challenges Kevin Harvick to #GimmeFive – oh wait I already got five.. make that ten.

Kevin Harvick challenges to Michael Waltrip to #GimmeFive times the effort you normally give next time you’re walking down pit road.

And Michael Waltrip just flat out asks Darrell Waltrip to #GimmeFive dollars.

NASCAR ON FOX:

Power Rankings Thus Far // With Help From The Fast and The Furious

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It can’t be a coincidence that he weekend the 7th installment and the last(?) installment of The Fast and The Furious comes out that NASCAR takes a break right?

Oh wait yeah it’s Easter. (Happy Birthday Jesus). Well these guys may be taking the weekend off – but we sure aren’t! It’s been an exciting six races to start off this 2015 Sprint Cup Season, and now seems like a better time than ever rank these guys and gals up.

We’ve seen some guys dominate, and we’ve also seen some guys sit on the sidelines.

We’ve seen the first, second and bits and pieces of the fourth and fist Fast and Furious movies, and we’ve decided to act like Tokyo Drift never happened.

We’ve seen some historic Top 5 – nay, Top 2 finishes, and we’ve seen some historic..

You get the picture.

So this week I bring you, the best NASCAR drivers this 2015 Sprint Cup season thus far – with a little help from our the greatest movie franchise ever.. The Fast and The Furious.

LUDA!!!

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NO.1 KEVIN HARVICK
2nd // 2nd // 1st // 1st // 2nd // 8th
-The Fast and The Furious (no. first)

Dom: “Let’s go for a little ride.”

Oh that little 8th place ride? Don’t worry about that little 8th place ride. You know you are having a good year with a damn fast car when an 8th place finish is a huge letdown.

NO.2 JOEY LOGANO
1st // 4th // 10th // 8th // 7th // 3rd
-Fast and Furious 6 (no. sixth)

Roman: “Who’s got a plan B?”

Tej Parker: “Plan B? We need a plan C, D, E. We need more alphabets!”

Brian O’Conner: “Hey, we do what we do best. We improvise, all right?”

Joey had what could have been a disastrous spin which could have made for a disastrous day but he ended up showing us why if it wasn’t for Mr. Harvick this guy is all we would be talking about week after week.

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NO.3 BRAD KESELOWSKI
41st // 9th // 7th // 6th // 1st // 2nd
-2 Fast 2 Furious (no. second)

Roman: “You’re not gonna do what I think you’re gonna do.”

Brian O’Conner: “Yeah, I think so.”

BAD BRAD! Isn’t so bad after all is he? Bad Brad didn’t do quite what we thought he was gonna do at the end of Martinsville. Maybe he’s tired of getting round housed after every race.

NO.4 DENNY HAMLIN
4th // 38th // 5th // 23rd // 28th // 1st
-The Fast and The Furious (no. first)

Dom: “You almost had me? You never had me – you never had your car… Granny shiftin’ not double clutchin’ like you should. … You almost had me? …  Ask any racer. Any real racer. It don’t matter if you win by an inch or a mile. Winning’s winning.”

There’s no doubt in my mind that Denny repeated this exact line to himself looking into the grandfather clock on his way to an advance screening of “Furious 7” after his win at Martinsville.

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NO.5 MARTIN TRUEX JR.
8th // 6th // 2nd // 7th // 8th // 6th
-2 Fast 2 Furious (no. second)

Brian O’Conner: “All right, let’s see what this thing can do.”

And there’s no doubt in my mind that Martin Truex Jr. says this line to himself before every race he starts right after a big shrug, sigh (not of relief) and a few Hail Mary’s.

NO.6 JIMMIE JOHNSON
5th // 1st // 41st // 11th // 9th // 35th
-Fast and Furious 6 (no. sixth)

Tej Parker: “You’re a millionaire and still asking for money?”

Roman: “That’s how you stay a millionaire.”

I’m pretty sure I’ve written about this of how and why Jimmie will win again, the whole she-bang, and hopefully(?) will win again soon(?). Shouldn’t he just be happy with the 6 Championships he has and be smiling from ear to ear? Why would he be freaking out to his crew chief about a bum car? Because the dude has the eye of the tiger. He wants to win. He has to win. That’s how you stay a millionaire. Or the possible greatest driver of all-time.

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NO.7 DALE EARNHARDT JR.
3rd // 3rd // 4th // 43rd // 6th // 36th
-Fast Five (no. fifth)

Zizi: “God Himself couldn’t get at your money if he wanted to.”

Reyes: “God isn’t my worry.”

Jr. has everything he could every want. Just look at him. He’s got a rundown beat up Rainbow Warrior car in his backyard! What more could you ask for? Cough. A Championship.

NO.8 DAVID RAGAN
17th // 18th // 22nd // 21st // 18th // 5th
-2 Fast 2 Furious (no. second)

Roman: “Enjoyin’ the ride? Man, it’s a fast car, huh? Man, it’s a classic. Old school. American muscle. Man, this car can do all kinda things, man. Wanna see?”

I know one guy who isn’t looking forward to having Kyle Busch back in the 18 car. This guy. David has had a hell of a time subbing in for Kyle and with a top 5 finish under his belt, this dude has got to be as giddy as all get out.

NO.9 KURT BUSCH
— // — // — // 5th // 3rd // 14th
-The Fast and The Furious (no. first)

Dom: “I live my life a quarter mile at a time. Nothing else matters: not the mortgage, not the store, not my team and all their bullshit. For those ten seconds or less, I’m free.”

Too soon?

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NO.10 MATT KENSETH
35th // 5th // 9th // 16th // 31st // 4th
-The Fast and The Furious (no. first)

Brian O’Conner: “I just need more time.”

FBI Officer: “If you want time, buy the magazine.”

There’s no way this is an actual conversation between Matt Kenseth and Mr. Joe Gibbs right?

NO.11 RYAN NEWMAN
38th // 10th // 3rd // 3rd // 5th // 27th
-Fast and Furious (no. fourth)

Agent Sophie Trinh: “So which car do you want?”

Brian O’Conner: “All of them.”

Newman has quietly been having a tremendous six races this year. Hell if he had any other car for that first one at Daytona and the last one at Martinsville – he’s mixing it up there with the big dogs.

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NO.12 JEFF GORDON
33rd // 41st // 18th // 9th // 10th // 9th
-Fast and Furious 6 (no. sixth)

Dom: “You’ve got the best crew in the world standing right in front of you, give them a reason to stay.”

The swan song isn’t going quite according to plan. Jeff isn’t giving anyone a reason to stay, for multiple reasons. The funny part is that if it wasn’t for a rookie mistake speeding penalty – we’d be singing another tune because the Rainbow Warriors would still be partying in Martinsville.

NO.13 KASEY KAHNE
9th // 14th // 17th // 4th // 17th // 11th
-The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift (no. third)

Drift King: “Do you know who I am, boy?”

Shawn Boswell: “You’re like the Justin Timberlake of Japan.”

Oh no Kasey you’re more than that. And you’ve actually been driving really good lately too!

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NO.14 PAUL MENARD
25th // 13th // 12th // 14th // 4th // 23rd
-Fast Five (no. fifth)

Tego Leo: “When I win here, I’ll buy you a lifetime supply of antidepressants.”

Some of these quotes don’t really mean anything. They just made me laugh at 3:00am after a couple of Budweisers. Paul is not depressed. But someone should tell his face that.

NO.15 CARL EDWARDS
23rd // 12th // 42nd // 13th // 13th // 17th
-The Fast and The Furious (no. first)

Brian O’Conner: “Man, you know this is bullshit!”

Dom: “You work for Harry, right?”

Brian O’Conner: “Yeah, I just started.”

Dom: “You were just fired.”

Speaking of quotes that don’t mean anything! P.S. Harry is Joe Gibbs.

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NO.16 DANICA PATRICK
21st // 16th // 27th // 26th // 19th // 7th
-Fast Five (no. fifth)

Gisele: “You don’t need to send a man to do a woman’s job.”

Exactly.

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Power Rankings After Phoenix // With Help From The Ruthless

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harvick_shreds_phoenixWe could save you some time and stop the power rankings after #1 am I right? I mean is anyone even close to Harvick right now? This is just straight up ridiculous. Luckily I have the formula to Happy’s dominance and the reasons why he continues to dominant. 

Again. Straight up out of control!

But because I have nothing better to do and love digging through numerous upon numerous quotes from great classic movies – I figured what the hell. What’s 15 more!?

Due to the fact that Harvick is on such an unbelievable run of pure dominance. I looked to films with strong role models male characters who will stop at nothing to get their job done. Unfortunately these characters in these movies, like Mr. Javier Bardem in “No Country For Old Men” are murderers and just straight up bad people kids.

Bad people or not, I once again found movies with top dogs, dominators, ruthless, professional professionals that like T.I himself – all they do is win.

So this week I bring you, the best NASCAR drivers this 2015 Sprint Cup season thus far – with a little help from our friends, those ruthless bastards.. in movies.

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NO.1 KEVIN HARVICK
1st at Las Vegas / 1st at Phoenix
-Unforgiven

Little Bill Daggett: “Well, sir, you are a cowardly son of a bitch! You just shot an unarmed man!”
Will Munny: “Well, he should have armed himself.”

It sure does seem like Kevin Harvick has gone to a gun fight, but he’s the only one armed lately doesn’t it?

NO.2 JOEY LOGANO
10th at Las Vegas / 8th at Phoenix
-No Country For Old Men

Managerial Victim: “Mind riding bitch?”

Joey is having one heck of a year. Just so happens Mr. Happy is having one historic year.

NO.3 MARTIN TRUEX JR.
2nd at Las Vegas / 7th at Phoenix
-No Country For Old Men

Man who hires Wells: “Just how dangerous is he?”
Carson Wells: “Compared to what? The bubonic plague?”

We don’t really know how dangerous Martin is!? But he has proven that he shouldn’t be taken lightly anymore.

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NO.4 JIMMIE JOHNSON
41st at Las Vegas / 11th at Phoenix
-True Blood

Rambo: “I could have killed ’em all, I could’ve killed you. In town you’re the law, out here it’s me. Don’t push it! Don’t push it or I’ll give you a war you won’t believe. Let it go. Let it go!”

Chad Knaus may be the Greg Poppovich of NASCAR. Rest’em until the playoffs – then start trying. No way right?

NO.5 RYAN NEWMAN
3rd at Las Vegas / 3rd at Phoenix
-Taken

Saint Clair: “Please understand… it was all business. It wasn’t personal.”
Bryan: “It was all personal to me.”

Ryan Newman is a no non-sense, all business dude. And he continues to just get it done.

NO.6 KASEY KAHNE
17th at Las Vegas / 4th at Phoenix
-Taken

Kim: “You don’t have to worry.
Bryan: “That’s like telling water not to be wet, sweetie.

Maybe it’s just me, but if I was 4th string on a team like Kasey is I’d be worried a lot too. Been running better and better, maybe he’s stopped worrying.

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NO.7 DALE EARNHARDT JR.
4th at Las Vegas / 43rd at Phoenix
-No Country For Old Men

Poolside Woman: “Oh… that’s who you keep looking out the window for?”
Llewelyn Moss: “Half…”
Poolside Woman: “What else then…?”
Llewelyn Moss: “Just looking for what’s coming…”
Poolside Woman: “Yeah… But no one ever sees that coming…”

One race it seems like he’s going to win it all. The next, we’re left scratching our heads. You never know with this guy.

NO.8 BRAD KESELOWSKI
7th at Las Vegas / 6th at Phoenix
-True Blood

Deputy Mitch: “How blind are you? Can’t you see this guy’s crazy?”
Deputy Sergeant Arthur Gault: “Can’t you see I don’t give a shit?”

Same ol’ Bad Brad. Once he starts rolling and keeps not giving a shit – look out.

NO.9 MATT KENSETH
9th at Las Vegas / 16th at Phoenix
-No Country For Old Men

Ed Tom Bell: “How many of those things you got now?”
Ellis: “Cats? Several. Well, depends what you mean by got. Some are half-wild, and some are just outlaws.”

Cats = wins?

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NO.10 AJ ALLMENDINGER
6th at Las Vegas / 17th at Phoenix
-Taxi Driver

Travis Bickle: “Twelve hours of work and I still can’t sleep. Damn. Days go on and on. They don’t end.”

I swear that was intended to be a shot at The Dinger. Just that he’s putting in a lot of work and not seeing much reward!

NO.11 DENNY HAMLIN
5th at Las Vegas / 23rd at Phoenix
-Taxi Driver

Travis Bickle: “Shit… I’m waiting for the sun to shine.”

Will the sun ever shine again for Denny?

NO.12 CASEY MEARS
25th at Las Vegas / 20th at Phoenix
-Taxi Driver

Travis Bickle: “Now I see this clearly. My whole life is pointed in one direction. There never has been a choice for me.”

Love seeing Casey Mears do well. Now is his time to shine. Like a few other drivers, hope the recent success of good finishes is a confident boost.

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NO.13 DAVID RAGAN
22nd at Las Vegas / 21st at Phoenix
-Taxi Driver

Personnel Officer: “How’s your driving record? Clean?”
Travis Bickle: “It’s clean, real clean. Like my conscience.”

Been a pretty clean start to the year thus far taking over for Mr. Busch. How long will his driving record stay clean?

NO.14 KYLE LARSON
8th at Las Vegas / 10th at Phoenix
-Unforgiven

Will Munny: “Wanna help me count this, kid?”
The Schofield Kid: “I trust you.”
Will Munny: “Don’t go trusting me too much.”

Any day now he’s going to flip the switch, and he’s going to be a stone cold killer. Don’t go trusting his kid too much.

NO.15 PAUL MENARD
12th at Las Vegas / 14th at Phoenix
-No Country For Old Men

Anton Chigurh: “Step out of your car, please.”

For some reason I don’t think Paul responds well to please.

NO.16 CLINT BOWYER

21st at Las Vegas / 24th at Phoenix
-True Blood

Teasle: “Goddammit, what the hell do you think this is? Some kind of a circus?”

Maybe it is?

ClintBowyerNewMonkeys

 

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If You Aint First You’re Second

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Published: March 10th, 2015

Kevin Harvick has had a pretty good last dozen races. But let’s not go back to last year where he won his first championship. Let’s go back to the start of this year. Where he’s done nothing but place in the Top 2 every race.

2nd at Daytona.

2nd at Atlanta.

1st at Las Vegas.*

UPDATES/NEWFLASH/BREAKING:

1st at Phoenix.

2nd at Fontana.

*And did I mention we are heading to Phoenix this weekend where he’s won 4 of the last 5 races?

I really think that only means one thing. Kevin Harvick will place in the Top 2 for every race the rest of this year and here are FOUR REASON WHY.

1. He’s on pace to finish 1.666666667th.

Let’s just call it 1st or 2nd. Someone told this guy that if you ain’t first your last (Ricky Bobby’s father), and Kevin said to hell with that. If you ain’t first your second.

I use to always laugh when in the 4th game of the year Sammy Sosa would have hit 5 home runs and someone would have to say, “Well Bob you know that puts Sammy on pace for 202 home runs this year.”

Shut up Bob, and Bob’s co-host, a young me would alway say.

Well not anymore! I’m a lot older, wiser, unfortunately not taller than I was when I was 13 – but I’m buying it this time Bob. A pace is a pace, and like that silly show on ESPN.. Numbers never lie!

Don’t forget to spay and neuter your pets.

2. He’s been keeping it 100.

Do you follow this guy on social media? Every since he’s won that 2014 Sprint Cup Championship he’s been having so much freaking fun and he’s so freaking happy. And Happy is his nickname! He’s taking it to a whole new level!

For example: Mini Golf

Exhibit B: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

And number 3: Big Wheels

See. Keeping it 100. He’s happy and having fun. And did I mention he is happy?

3. Hear me out – 2 + 2 x 1 = 4.

I’ve seen that Jim Carrey non-comedy. It’s called “The Number 23” to be exact.

In it Jim, becomes obsessed with the number 23, Michael Jordan and the Smokin’ Joes car back at Fontana in 1997.

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I made up only one of those things I swear. Now let’s use Jim’s theory from the based on a true story tale to prove our theory.

2 + 2 x 1 = 4

2 + 2 = 4

1 + 2 + 1 = 4

1 + 1 + 1 + 1 = 4

That’s 4 ways to get to 4 only using 1’s and 2’s. You guys I know you’ll find this hard to believe but this was a bullshit theory until I just pulled this out of my ass and scared myself. I’m so right. This is nuts!

Wait how does “The Number 23” end? It was a happy ending right? Oh boy.

4. He’s the best driver right now.

Right now. Like today. Now. (March 2015 between the 3rd and 4th race of the year in case you are reading this in the smithsonian in the near distant future).

Joey is fast, damn fast. But Joey is young.

Jimmie is the GOAT. But Jimmie has found a bad batch of Lucky Charms.

Jeff wants to go out on top, this is his swan song. But Jeff is an amazing driver on what is probably the most amazing team of drivers ever assembled.

Denny, Carl, Kyle (but which one?!), Greg, Ryan, Bad Brad, Easy B and DJ Craze don’t have names that start with the letter J. But that’s okay we like them anyway.

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Kevin is damn fast. He had his run of bad luck last year and he still won last year! And the pressure is there, but he’s in a win-win situation.

If he wins this year he wins. If he loses this year, he wins. Yes my editors were confused too. Who wins back to back? Freak of natures like Jimmie do. No one is suppose to. Harv is playing with house money and his banker, Mr. Rodney Childers is one of the best in the business.

What does Harv have to lose this year? He’s fast and he’s not suppose to win. So why not spend most of the summer in victory lane?

Or the other place drivers go who don’t go to victory lane but still finish top 2 go.

Hey I promised first OR second remember?

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