Texas This Weekend // Best and Worst Paint Schemes

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These guys and gal are back from their sunny vacations, and we don’t know who looks better – there glistening tans and bleach blond hair or these super fast machines we call cars. The answer, always. THESE CARS!

We are heading to Texas this weekend where everything is bigger and better! The one weekend out of the year where my car isn’t the best looking or worst looking in this great state and where I instantly becoming the 44th best driver in the state. The great ones always know when it is time to put a side their greatness.

As always, we pick our favorite drivers like girls pick which team is going to win the NCAA tournament. Their jerseys. And we get pretty amped up when the paint schemes come out. Because I like NASCAR. And I like Design. So when the two come together.. “Oh word?”

THE BEST OF THE BEST

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Kyle Larson will drive the No. 42 Axe White Label Chevrolet.

You’ve heard the old saying, “Always wear white after April Fool’s Day.”

Kyle Larson is BACK. And he has earned the top spot on this week’s paint preview simply because he took the initiative to film it – then post it on the internet. Don’t care who you are, (yes even you Carl Edwards) you do that and you’ve won me over.

It also doesn’t hurt that this car looks sharp. Some people would say that bringing a white car to a motor speedway is like wearing them white boat shoes to a mud wrestling match.

Kyle Larson says to them people – “You’re welcome.”

original-2Michael McDowell will drive the No. 95 Thrivent Financial Ford.

thats-high-praiseFor a split second I thought this was a Jeff Gordon car. Now that’s HIGH PRAISE!

But it’s not. Jeff. Gordon’s car. It is Mr. Michael McDowell’s No. 95 Thrivent Financial Ford brother and oh boy is that a sweet looking ride.

You normally don’t see such good looking cars/people/things with such a high jersey number that look so pretty. Here’s to you Mr. Michael McDowell – representing for the little guy. Err, big guy.

original-1Danica Patrick will drive the No. 10 Tax ACT / GoDaddy Chevrolet.

The half and half paint scheme is really working here. And not only because it has to. It actually does.

Danica Patrick basically strong armed convinced TaxACT with a dominate performance at Martinsville. How could they not stay on? Danica is having a pretty great year and other than the upwards of $750,000 it costs to sponsor one NASCAR race – TaxACT decided to go with the hood.

This car looks like an extremely well designed car put through the “NASCAR Thunder 2004” design feature. That’s a compliment I swear. Those things are hard.

I like it, and you should too. (Seriously Ricky just say you like it)

THE WORST OF THE REST

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Jamie McMurray will drive the No. 1 McDonalds Chevrolet.

This is just lazy. It kind of looks like someone just figured out how to use the gradient tool in Illustrator. Just lazy.

I’m not messing around here and getting straight to the point.

What’s the deal McDonalds? You have all the money in the world. You have all the time to throw together that weird, patting yourselves on the pack, we care about America but we’re just not so sorry your kids are fat commercial. And then there is this?

What’d you do pay with Lovin’? How’d that work out? BECAUSE I’VE GONE TO MCDONALD’S A “SUPER SIZE ME” DOCUMENTARY WORTH AMOUNT OF TIMES TO TRY AND PAY WITH A PHONE CALL TO MY MOM AND NOTHING. NOTHING!!!

But this isn’t about me..

HONORABLE MENTION

original-4David Ragan will drive the No. 18 Interstate Batteries Toyota.

For those of you scratching your head – this is the Honorable Mention section, not The Worst Of The Worst. (Not even The Wurst of the Worst)

Reason being, way back when I judged this exact same paint scheme as “The Best of the Rest”. That was when I was young, immature and on a positive outlook on life binge. But as I see it again.. I scratch my head.

Call it, nostalgia. I will always love the No. 18 Interstate Batteries car until the day you die. You can thank Bobby Labonte, my all-time favorite NASCAR driver for that. So it is hard for me to knock this car, NO MATTER WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

That’s why it makes it to the Honorable Mention section. It is honorably not a great looking car. So I have to just mention that.

That is all.

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#GimmeFive // NASCAR

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As the world turns, by now you may have (or may not have) seen Jeff Gordon at the White House on “Live! With Regis and Kathie Lee” – and more importantly, asked one Dale Earnhardt Jr. to #GimmeFive.

In case you are still really confused, the #IceBucketChallenge #GimmeFive program is brought to you in part by FLOTUS and goes hand in hand with the “Let’s Move” program. If you are even more confused, read this.

So celebrities, non celebrities and everyone in between are challenging friends and loved ones to #GimmeFive.

While most of you know that the NASCAR community isn’t one to back down from a promotional campaign, you must know that once it hit the garages, it spread like wild fire.

That’s where I come in to catch you up to speed.. You’re Welcome.

#GIMMEFIVE

Dale Jr. challenges Jimmie Johnson to #GimmeFive more race cars.

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Jimmie Johnson challens Chad Knaus to #GimmeFive more Championships.

Chad Knaus challenegs NASCAR to #GimmeFive more horses.. of power.

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NASCAR challeneges Hendrick Motorsports to #GimmeFive more races with Chase Elliott.

Hendrick Motorsports challenges Chase’s pit crew to #GimmeFive more pieces of tape on the right front.

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Chase’s pit crew challenges Fox Sports One to #GimmeFive minutes of TV time.. On Fox.

Fox Sports One challenges Richard Petty to just #GimmeFive laps against Danica Patrick.

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Richard Petty challenges Danica Patrick to #GimmeFive – oh wait, I’m the King.

Danica Patrick challenges Tony Stewart to #GimmeFive more years at Stewart Haas Racing. Please.

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Tony Stewart challenges Kevin Harvick to #GimmeFive – oh wait I already got five.. make that ten.

Kevin Harvick challenges to Michael Waltrip to #GimmeFive times the effort you normally give next time you’re walking down pit road.

And Michael Waltrip just flat out asks Darrell Waltrip to #GimmeFive dollars.

NASCAR ON FOX:

Power Rankings Thus Far // With Help From The Fast and The Furious

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It can’t be a coincidence that he weekend the 7th installment and the last(?) installment of The Fast and The Furious comes out that NASCAR takes a break right?

Oh wait yeah it’s Easter. (Happy Birthday Jesus). Well these guys may be taking the weekend off – but we sure aren’t! It’s been an exciting six races to start off this 2015 Sprint Cup Season, and now seems like a better time than ever rank these guys and gals up.

We’ve seen some guys dominate, and we’ve also seen some guys sit on the sidelines.

We’ve seen the first, second and bits and pieces of the fourth and fist Fast and Furious movies, and we’ve decided to act like Tokyo Drift never happened.

We’ve seen some historic Top 5 – nay, Top 2 finishes, and we’ve seen some historic..

You get the picture.

So this week I bring you, the best NASCAR drivers this 2015 Sprint Cup season thus far – with a little help from our the greatest movie franchise ever.. The Fast and The Furious.

LUDA!!!

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NO.1 KEVIN HARVICK
2nd // 2nd // 1st // 1st // 2nd // 8th
-The Fast and The Furious (no. first)

Dom: “Let’s go for a little ride.”

Oh that little 8th place ride? Don’t worry about that little 8th place ride. You know you are having a good year with a damn fast car when an 8th place finish is a huge letdown.

NO.2 JOEY LOGANO
1st // 4th // 10th // 8th // 7th // 3rd
-Fast and Furious 6 (no. sixth)

Roman: “Who’s got a plan B?”

Tej Parker: “Plan B? We need a plan C, D, E. We need more alphabets!”

Brian O’Conner: “Hey, we do what we do best. We improvise, all right?”

Joey had what could have been a disastrous spin which could have made for a disastrous day but he ended up showing us why if it wasn’t for Mr. Harvick this guy is all we would be talking about week after week.

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NO.3 BRAD KESELOWSKI
41st // 9th // 7th // 6th // 1st // 2nd
-2 Fast 2 Furious (no. second)

Roman: “You’re not gonna do what I think you’re gonna do.”

Brian O’Conner: “Yeah, I think so.”

BAD BRAD! Isn’t so bad after all is he? Bad Brad didn’t do quite what we thought he was gonna do at the end of Martinsville. Maybe he’s tired of getting round housed after every race.

NO.4 DENNY HAMLIN
4th // 38th // 5th // 23rd // 28th // 1st
-The Fast and The Furious (no. first)

Dom: “You almost had me? You never had me – you never had your car… Granny shiftin’ not double clutchin’ like you should. … You almost had me? …  Ask any racer. Any real racer. It don’t matter if you win by an inch or a mile. Winning’s winning.”

There’s no doubt in my mind that Denny repeated this exact line to himself looking into the grandfather clock on his way to an advance screening of “Furious 7” after his win at Martinsville.

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NO.5 MARTIN TRUEX JR.
8th // 6th // 2nd // 7th // 8th // 6th
-2 Fast 2 Furious (no. second)

Brian O’Conner: “All right, let’s see what this thing can do.”

And there’s no doubt in my mind that Martin Truex Jr. says this line to himself before every race he starts right after a big shrug, sigh (not of relief) and a few Hail Mary’s.

NO.6 JIMMIE JOHNSON
5th // 1st // 41st // 11th // 9th // 35th
-Fast and Furious 6 (no. sixth)

Tej Parker: “You’re a millionaire and still asking for money?”

Roman: “That’s how you stay a millionaire.”

I’m pretty sure I’ve written about this of how and why Jimmie will win again, the whole she-bang, and hopefully(?) will win again soon(?). Shouldn’t he just be happy with the 6 Championships he has and be smiling from ear to ear? Why would he be freaking out to his crew chief about a bum car? Because the dude has the eye of the tiger. He wants to win. He has to win. That’s how you stay a millionaire. Or the possible greatest driver of all-time.

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NO.7 DALE EARNHARDT JR.
3rd // 3rd // 4th // 43rd // 6th // 36th
-Fast Five (no. fifth)

Zizi: “God Himself couldn’t get at your money if he wanted to.”

Reyes: “God isn’t my worry.”

Jr. has everything he could every want. Just look at him. He’s got a rundown beat up Rainbow Warrior car in his backyard! What more could you ask for? Cough. A Championship.

NO.8 DAVID RAGAN
17th // 18th // 22nd // 21st // 18th // 5th
-2 Fast 2 Furious (no. second)

Roman: “Enjoyin’ the ride? Man, it’s a fast car, huh? Man, it’s a classic. Old school. American muscle. Man, this car can do all kinda things, man. Wanna see?”

I know one guy who isn’t looking forward to having Kyle Busch back in the 18 car. This guy. David has had a hell of a time subbing in for Kyle and with a top 5 finish under his belt, this dude has got to be as giddy as all get out.

NO.9 KURT BUSCH
— // — // — // 5th // 3rd // 14th
-The Fast and The Furious (no. first)

Dom: “I live my life a quarter mile at a time. Nothing else matters: not the mortgage, not the store, not my team and all their bullshit. For those ten seconds or less, I’m free.”

Too soon?

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NO.10 MATT KENSETH
35th // 5th // 9th // 16th // 31st // 4th
-The Fast and The Furious (no. first)

Brian O’Conner: “I just need more time.”

FBI Officer: “If you want time, buy the magazine.”

There’s no way this is an actual conversation between Matt Kenseth and Mr. Joe Gibbs right?

NO.11 RYAN NEWMAN
38th // 10th // 3rd // 3rd // 5th // 27th
-Fast and Furious (no. fourth)

Agent Sophie Trinh: “So which car do you want?”

Brian O’Conner: “All of them.”

Newman has quietly been having a tremendous six races this year. Hell if he had any other car for that first one at Daytona and the last one at Martinsville – he’s mixing it up there with the big dogs.

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NO.12 JEFF GORDON
33rd // 41st // 18th // 9th // 10th // 9th
-Fast and Furious 6 (no. sixth)

Dom: “You’ve got the best crew in the world standing right in front of you, give them a reason to stay.”

The swan song isn’t going quite according to plan. Jeff isn’t giving anyone a reason to stay, for multiple reasons. The funny part is that if it wasn’t for a rookie mistake speeding penalty – we’d be singing another tune because the Rainbow Warriors would still be partying in Martinsville.

NO.13 KASEY KAHNE
9th // 14th // 17th // 4th // 17th // 11th
-The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift (no. third)

Drift King: “Do you know who I am, boy?”

Shawn Boswell: “You’re like the Justin Timberlake of Japan.”

Oh no Kasey you’re more than that. And you’ve actually been driving really good lately too!

Fast 5

NO.14 PAUL MENARD
25th // 13th // 12th // 14th // 4th // 23rd
-Fast Five (no. fifth)

Tego Leo: “When I win here, I’ll buy you a lifetime supply of antidepressants.”

Some of these quotes don’t really mean anything. They just made me laugh at 3:00am after a couple of Budweisers. Paul is not depressed. But someone should tell his face that.

NO.15 CARL EDWARDS
23rd // 12th // 42nd // 13th // 13th // 17th
-The Fast and The Furious (no. first)

Brian O’Conner: “Man, you know this is bullshit!”

Dom: “You work for Harry, right?”

Brian O’Conner: “Yeah, I just started.”

Dom: “You were just fired.”

Speaking of quotes that don’t mean anything! P.S. Harry is Joe Gibbs.

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NO.16 DANICA PATRICK
21st // 16th // 27th // 26th // 19th // 7th
-Fast Five (no. fifth)

Gisele: “You don’t need to send a man to do a woman’s job.”

Exactly.

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Martinsville This Week // Best and Worst Paint Schemes

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Get a good look at these cars now – because we are going short track racing, they’ll be covered in black and white by the end of the race. And solving race relations in the process. (In this economy?) YOU GOTTA!

NASCAR heads East to Martinsville! Where the sun always shines and the weather is a constant 76°! Where you can surf in the morning and ski at night!

Oh wait, sorry – that last bit was the intro for my NASCAR heads West column.

THE BEST OF THE BEST

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Tony Stewart will drive the No. 14 Code 3 Associates/Mobil 1 Chevrolet.

Smoke.

elliotChase Elliott will drive the No. 25 NAPA Auto Parts Chevrolet.

NAPA does know how! Knows how to paint the side and presumably the hood, bumper and rest of their car!

Did you know that if you say “Knows How” three times Michael Keaton Waltrip will show up at your house and help you scare your parents out of your home?

But that’s neither here nor there.

This is a sweet looking ride. Primary colors. Sharp, clean diagonal lines. That could be some abstract representation of fire coming out of the side of the car. Fast and Furious style (opening everywhere this week).

NAPA may not know how to make commercials, depending on who you ask – NOT THIS GUY, but they certainly know how to paint a car.

THE WORST OF THE REST

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Paul Menard will drive the No. 27 Pittsburgh Paints/Menards Chevrolet.

nscs_paul_menard_456x362.png.mainPaul how do you feel about the paint/paint that your car will be wearing this weekend at Martinsville?

Oh yeah, alright man that’s cool you don’t have to yell.

It’s really not that bad. I mean it’s not good but trust me I’ve seen worse. Listen I don’t even why I put it on this list.

Oh wait yeah I do.. Paul PLEEEEASSEEEEEE!!!

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Gray Gaulding will drive the No. 7 Krispy Kreme Toyota.

I hate to do this to Gray because I absolutely love hate Krispy Kreme Donuts.

HONORABLE MENTION

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Justin Boston will drive the No. 54 ZLOOP Toyota.

C’mon man.

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