Power Rankings After Phoenix // With Help From The Ruthless

Standard

harvick_shreds_phoenixWe could save you some time and stop the power rankings after #1 am I right? I mean is anyone even close to Harvick right now? This is just straight up ridiculous. Luckily I have the formula to Happy’s dominance and the reasons why he continues to dominant. 

Again. Straight up out of control!

But because I have nothing better to do and love digging through numerous upon numerous quotes from great classic movies – I figured what the hell. What’s 15 more!?

Due to the fact that Harvick is on such an unbelievable run of pure dominance. I looked to films with strong role models male characters who will stop at nothing to get their job done. Unfortunately these characters in these movies, like Mr. Javier Bardem in “No Country For Old Men” are murderers and just straight up bad people kids.

Bad people or not, I once again found movies with top dogs, dominators, ruthless, professional professionals that like T.I himself – all they do is win.

So this week I bring you, the best NASCAR drivers this 2015 Sprint Cup season thus far – with a little help from our friends, those ruthless bastards.. in movies.

unforgiven_5

NO.1 KEVIN HARVICK
1st at Las Vegas / 1st at Phoenix
-Unforgiven

Little Bill Daggett: “Well, sir, you are a cowardly son of a bitch! You just shot an unarmed man!”
Will Munny: “Well, he should have armed himself.”

It sure does seem like Kevin Harvick has gone to a gun fight, but he’s the only one armed lately doesn’t it?

NO.2 JOEY LOGANO
10th at Las Vegas / 8th at Phoenix
-No Country For Old Men

Managerial Victim: “Mind riding bitch?”

Joey is having one heck of a year. Just so happens Mr. Happy is having one historic year.

NO.3 MARTIN TRUEX JR.
2nd at Las Vegas / 7th at Phoenix
-No Country For Old Men

Man who hires Wells: “Just how dangerous is he?”
Carson Wells: “Compared to what? The bubonic plague?”

We don’t really know how dangerous Martin is!? But he has proven that he shouldn’t be taken lightly anymore.

MartinTruexJrPhoenixInternationalRacewaykcO2NebjDegl_zpsfmckijoo

NO.4 JIMMIE JOHNSON
41st at Las Vegas / 11th at Phoenix
-True Blood

Rambo: “I could have killed ’em all, I could’ve killed you. In town you’re the law, out here it’s me. Don’t push it! Don’t push it or I’ll give you a war you won’t believe. Let it go. Let it go!”

Chad Knaus may be the Greg Poppovich of NASCAR. Rest’em until the playoffs – then start trying. No way right?

NO.5 RYAN NEWMAN
3rd at Las Vegas / 3rd at Phoenix
-Taken

Saint Clair: “Please understand… it was all business. It wasn’t personal.”
Bryan: “It was all personal to me.”

Ryan Newman is a no non-sense, all business dude. And he continues to just get it done.

NO.6 KASEY KAHNE
17th at Las Vegas / 4th at Phoenix
-Taken

Kim: “You don’t have to worry.
Bryan: “That’s like telling water not to be wet, sweetie.

Maybe it’s just me, but if I was 4th string on a team like Kasey is I’d be worried a lot too. Been running better and better, maybe he’s stopped worrying.

NoCountryOldMen

NO.7 DALE EARNHARDT JR.
4th at Las Vegas / 43rd at Phoenix
-No Country For Old Men

Poolside Woman: “Oh… that’s who you keep looking out the window for?”
Llewelyn Moss: “Half…”
Poolside Woman: “What else then…?”
Llewelyn Moss: “Just looking for what’s coming…”
Poolside Woman: “Yeah… But no one ever sees that coming…”

One race it seems like he’s going to win it all. The next, we’re left scratching our heads. You never know with this guy.

NO.8 BRAD KESELOWSKI
7th at Las Vegas / 6th at Phoenix
-True Blood

Deputy Mitch: “How blind are you? Can’t you see this guy’s crazy?”
Deputy Sergeant Arthur Gault: “Can’t you see I don’t give a shit?”

Same ol’ Bad Brad. Once he starts rolling and keeps not giving a shit – look out.

NO.9 MATT KENSETH
9th at Las Vegas / 16th at Phoenix
-No Country For Old Men

Ed Tom Bell: “How many of those things you got now?”
Ellis: “Cats? Several. Well, depends what you mean by got. Some are half-wild, and some are just outlaws.”

Cats = wins?

kurt-busch-and-aj-allmendinger_teokbml20m0x1d2tfoujm7432

NO.10 AJ ALLMENDINGER
6th at Las Vegas / 17th at Phoenix
-Taxi Driver

Travis Bickle: “Twelve hours of work and I still can’t sleep. Damn. Days go on and on. They don’t end.”

I swear that was intended to be a shot at The Dinger. Just that he’s putting in a lot of work and not seeing much reward!

NO.11 DENNY HAMLIN
5th at Las Vegas / 23rd at Phoenix
-Taxi Driver

Travis Bickle: “Shit… I’m waiting for the sun to shine.”

Will the sun ever shine again for Denny?

NO.12 CASEY MEARS
25th at Las Vegas / 20th at Phoenix
-Taxi Driver

Travis Bickle: “Now I see this clearly. My whole life is pointed in one direction. There never has been a choice for me.”

Love seeing Casey Mears do well. Now is his time to shine. Like a few other drivers, hope the recent success of good finishes is a confident boost.

0002131-1920x1080

NO.13 DAVID RAGAN
22nd at Las Vegas / 21st at Phoenix
-Taxi Driver

Personnel Officer: “How’s your driving record? Clean?”
Travis Bickle: “It’s clean, real clean. Like my conscience.”

Been a pretty clean start to the year thus far taking over for Mr. Busch. How long will his driving record stay clean?

NO.14 KYLE LARSON
8th at Las Vegas / 10th at Phoenix
-Unforgiven

Will Munny: “Wanna help me count this, kid?”
The Schofield Kid: “I trust you.”
Will Munny: “Don’t go trusting me too much.”

Any day now he’s going to flip the switch, and he’s going to be a stone cold killer. Don’t go trusting his kid too much.

NO.15 PAUL MENARD
12th at Las Vegas / 14th at Phoenix
-No Country For Old Men

Anton Chigurh: “Step out of your car, please.”

For some reason I don’t think Paul responds well to please.

NO.16 CLINT BOWYER

21st at Las Vegas / 24th at Phoenix
-True Blood

Teasle: “Goddammit, what the hell do you think this is? Some kind of a circus?”

Maybe it is?

ClintBowyerNewMonkeys

 

Follow me on Twitter, Instagram or Facebook
Check out my Portfolio of Sorts
Read last week’s If You Ain’t First You’re Second

If You Aint First You’re Second

Standard

1146861_1029119100435046_1740257544398495646_o

Published: March 10th, 2015

Kevin Harvick has had a pretty good last dozen races. But let’s not go back to last year where he won his first championship. Let’s go back to the start of this year. Where he’s done nothing but place in the Top 2 every race.

2nd at Daytona.

2nd at Atlanta.

1st at Las Vegas.*

UPDATES/NEWFLASH/BREAKING:

1st at Phoenix.

2nd at Fontana.

*And did I mention we are heading to Phoenix this weekend where he’s won 4 of the last 5 races?

I really think that only means one thing. Kevin Harvick will place in the Top 2 for every race the rest of this year and here are FOUR REASON WHY.

1. He’s on pace to finish 1.666666667th.

Let’s just call it 1st or 2nd. Someone told this guy that if you ain’t first your last (Ricky Bobby’s father), and Kevin said to hell with that. If you ain’t first your second.

I use to always laugh when in the 4th game of the year Sammy Sosa would have hit 5 home runs and someone would have to say, “Well Bob you know that puts Sammy on pace for 202 home runs this year.”

Shut up Bob, and Bob’s co-host, a young me would alway say.

Well not anymore! I’m a lot older, wiser, unfortunately not taller than I was when I was 13 – but I’m buying it this time Bob. A pace is a pace, and like that silly show on ESPN.. Numbers never lie!

Don’t forget to spay and neuter your pets.

2. He’s been keeping it 100.

Do you follow this guy on social media? Every since he’s won that 2014 Sprint Cup Championship he’s been having so much freaking fun and he’s so freaking happy. And Happy is his nickname! He’s taking it to a whole new level!

For example: Mini Golf

Exhibit B: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

And number 3: Big Wheels

See. Keeping it 100. He’s happy and having fun. And did I mention he is happy?

3. Hear me out – 2 + 2 x 1 = 4.

I’ve seen that Jim Carrey non-comedy. It’s called “The Number 23” to be exact.

In it Jim, becomes obsessed with the number 23, Michael Jordan and the Smokin’ Joes car back at Fontana in 1997.

nascar-cup-fontana-ii-2004-former-23-smokin-joes-of-jimmy-spencer

I made up only one of those things I swear. Now let’s use Jim’s theory from the based on a true story tale to prove our theory.

2 + 2 x 1 = 4

2 + 2 = 4

1 + 2 + 1 = 4

1 + 1 + 1 + 1 = 4

That’s 4 ways to get to 4 only using 1’s and 2’s. You guys I know you’ll find this hard to believe but this was a bullshit theory until I just pulled this out of my ass and scared myself. I’m so right. This is nuts!

Wait how does “The Number 23” end? It was a happy ending right? Oh boy.

4. He’s the best driver right now.

Right now. Like today. Now. (March 2015 between the 3rd and 4th race of the year in case you are reading this in the smithsonian in the near distant future).

Joey is fast, damn fast. But Joey is young.

Jimmie is the GOAT. But Jimmie has found a bad batch of Lucky Charms.

Jeff wants to go out on top, this is his swan song. But Jeff is an amazing driver on what is probably the most amazing team of drivers ever assembled.

Denny, Carl, Kyle (but which one?!), Greg, Ryan, Bad Brad, Easy B and DJ Craze don’t have names that start with the letter J. But that’s okay we like them anyway.

1kiqMk.So.156

Kevin is damn fast. He had his run of bad luck last year and he still won last year! And the pressure is there, but he’s in a win-win situation.

If he wins this year he wins. If he loses this year, he wins. Yes my editors were confused too. Who wins back to back? Freak of natures like Jimmie do. No one is suppose to. Harv is playing with house money and his banker, Mr. Rodney Childers is one of the best in the business.

What does Harv have to lose this year? He’s fast and he’s not suppose to win. So why not spend most of the summer in victory lane?

Or the other place drivers go who don’t go to victory lane but still finish top 2 go.

Hey I promised first OR second remember?

Follow me on Twitter, Instagram or Facebook
Check out my Portfolio of Sorts
Look at last week’s Music Festival Starting Grid

Las Vegas This Week // Best and Worst Paint Schemes

Standard

1677257476001_4089573506001_nascar-nscs15-las-weekend-preview922

Too much of the filth you see on the internet is negative. Don’t get me wrong I am no hero, but one thing I can do – NOTHING BUT THE BEST OF THE WEEKEND! That’s right, no worsts. If you are looking for worsts go check out your local German Sausage Haus. #NailedIt

This we are are in Las Vegas. But you know that, because you read my amazing Power Rankings rundown with the help of our friends – heist films. If there’s anything I know about Las Vegas, I’ve heard it from my parents. And what I’ve heard is that it is all flash! Look at the hauler parade they just had the other day, shutting down the strip just to show off 40 some 18-wheelers. That’s ba son. That’s NASCAR in Sin City. “How about that ride in?”

So if the haulers are all flash, the cars gotta be too right? Let’s just say yes. After we get this no-fun, politically correct, not being negative article I will tell you how I really feel about the cars designs this season..

post-38447-everything-is-awesome-gif-lego-GdJw

They’re AWESOME! Wink. Wink.

As always, we pick our favorite drivers like girls pick which team is going to win the NCAA tournament. Jersey colors. But because these guys and Danica don’t really wear jerseys, we pick em by their cars. And we get pretty amped up when the paint schemes come out. Because I like NASCAR. And I like Design. So when the two come together.. “Oh word?”

So if you can’t win, you might as well look good!

THE BEST OF THE BEST

original-4

Jimmie Johnson will drive the No. 48 Kobalt Tools Chevrolet

Who says NASCAR isn’t in touch with the sophisticated/art loving/modern bigger world of today? This car reminds me of a beautiful minimalistic series that one might find at MoMa or at La Louvre. Did I just compare Jimmie Johnson’s car to the Mona Lisa? No. But one day, when the French discover NASCAR – again – you never know where a stock car might end up.

I like this car because like JJ, it’s all business. He just came off an impressive win in Atlanta, coming off a less than impressive 2014 year. Jimmie doesn’t need any bells or whistles to remind you who he is or what he’s done. (Won 6 Championships). Just give him something fresh and clean that may also resemble his sponsor this week and he will put that thing in La Louvre. Or at least victory lane.

original
Kasey Kahne will drive the No. 5 Time Warner Cable Chevrolet

You guys Hendrick Motorsports just gets it right. It is definitely why they have won 15 championships since 1995. It is absolutely why they own every engine you see powering these stock cars around them ovals. And it is emphatically why they made it in to this best of the best preview for Las Vegas – twice, back to back. Emphatically. THE PAINT. They just get it you guys. What is it? It is the paint. Nothing to crazy, nothing in your face (talking to you Bug-B-Gon). Looks clean, sleek, modern, fast, and clean and nice.

It’s not to hard to be positive still. I promise. This is easy. I mean just ask Kasey Kahne. (Oh boy).

THE BEST OF THE REST

original-3

Joey Logano will drive the No. 22 Penzoil Ford

Joey Logano’s car may not be the greatest looking from a design standpoint. But who am I to judge? I just recently put a left shark on a wrestling mat to promote one of the biggest duals of the year. Yeah. I did that.

Irregardless of good/bad design. This car is dope. I have to give Joey some DAP for this car since I gave the young and talented Kyle Larson all that love for his battery inspired car last week.

Joey. You are fast. You are furious. (I hate myself for that). You are driving perhaps the weirdest car of the weekend. And for that I applaud you.

original-5

Erik Jones will drive the No. 20 Interstate Batteries Toyota

Wait scratch that Joey.

IMG_0598This car is weird. And I love it. This one is near and dear to my heart. My favorite driver of all-time is Bobby Labonte. I have an amazing Bobby Labonte Interstate Batteries hat that I wore to my first ever Nationwide (RIP. Too soon?) Race and heard not my first ever curse words because everyone thought it was a Kyle Busch hat. I loved it.

I love this design. It is different. It is catches your eye. I’m sure once it hits top speed this weekend in Vegas it will look like a some James Cameron type Avatar – wait for it, AVACAR! This thing is sweet. It is no Hendrick Motorsports (well not fully – engine guys), but if you can’t beat ’em, out paint ’em.

HONORABLE MENTION

original-2

Carl Edwards will drive the No. 19 Comcast Business Toyota

Carl Edwards just wanted to remind people that he still has speed – I guess. The honorable mention has been a fun time honoring and dishonoring (not today!) people for a myriad of ideas they have. Whether it is mounting the tarantula from “Home Alone” on the front of your car or writing out “Drive Safe You Guys At The End Of The Day Safety Is First, Teamwork Is Second – Well More Like 1B, We Want Everyone To Get Home For Supper Tonight” on the side of your car. (It was a small font).

This message is spot on. This car, Ripley’s Believe It Or Not is “Built For Speed” ladies and gentleman. Just the message you want to send as you roll up to the start line. Next time just don’t forget to credit your source.*

*Hendrick Motorsports.

Follow me on Twitter, Instagram or Facebook
Check out my Portfolio of Sorts
Read last week’s Paint Scheme Preview

Power Rankings Thus Far // With Help From Heist Films

Standard

joey-giphy

So to save you the trouble of reading some guy’s power rankings every week – I’m going to spare you this season, and me. Every two weeks and you get your annual “Power Rankings with A Little Help From Our Friend”s column by me.

Now one of the reasons because I thought it would be a lot harder to come up with themes – boy was I wrong.

After writing half of what I may personally describe as a mind blowing blog post about a fantastic movie and how it tied into this crazy NASCAR season thus far I had a what could only be described as a mind blowing thought.

Travis Kvapil’s car just got stolen. We are going to Las Vegas this week. Ocean’s 11, 12, 13 and 14 (Rumored) – WE HAVE TO DO HEIST MOVIES!

ratpak11

Don’t worry – this mind blowing column/article/dribble that has already been written will see the light of day, some day, because don’t you worry I don’t always have epiphany’s and stellar ideas. Just ask my girlfriend – amirite?! (See that joke. Oh boy).

So this week I bring you, the best NASCAR drivers this 2015 Sprint Cup season thus far – with a little help from our friends, great American heist movies.

NO. 1 – JOEY LOGANO
1st at Daytona / 4th at Atlanta
–The Usual Suspects

Strausz: “Do you guys know who the fuck I am? Do you know who the fuck I am?”
Hockney: “We do now, jerk-off.”

We knew who Joey was after last year’s Chase. Not we certainly know who this little guy is.

NO. 2 – KEVIN HARVICK
2nd at Daytona / 2nd at Atlanta
–The Town

Doug MacRay: “I need your help. I can’t tell you what it is, you can never ask me about it later, and we’re gonna hurt some people.”
James Coughlin: “…Whose car are we gonna’ take?”

Doesn’t matter where Harv is this year or what car he’s driving, he captured that Championship and doesn’t want to/won’t let go.

The-Town-Nun-Mask

NO. 3 – JIMMIE JOHNSON
5th at Daytona / 1st at Atlanta
–The Town

Claire Keesey: “Did you say your name was Jim or Gem?”
James Coughlin: “Well, huh, it’s kinda both. The teacher’s use to always say, ‘Here take this one. He’s a gem.'”

This was too easy and too good to pass up. But seriously, this guy is a gem isn’t he? Never misses a beat.

NO. 4 – DALE EARNHARDT JR.
3rd at Daytona / 3rd at Atlanta
–The Usual Suspects

McManus: “There’s nothing that can’t be done.”

Fenster: “Can you hear me in the back? Hello?”

Sure has been running pretty far up front this year – new crew chief and all. Don’t see him slowing down anytime soon.

NO. 5 – JEFF GORDON
33rd at Daytona / 41st at Atlanta
–Reservoir Dogs

Mr. Pink: “I don’t wanna kill anybody. But if I gotta get out that door, and you’re standing in my way, one way or the other, you’re gettin’ outta my way.”

33rd and 41st is not good, clearly. But it won’t last long, and if it does – this guy is going to see red. What are you going to do, fire him?

NO. 6 – MATT KENSETH
35th at Daytona // 5th at Atlanta
–The Town

Doug MacRay: “No matter how much you change, you still have to pay the price for the things you’ve done. So I got a long road. But I know I’ll see you again – this side or the other.”

He will see that Championship again. But maybe not this year..

635604694677110017-GTY-464141316

NO. 7 – MARTIN TRUEX JR.

8th at Daytona // 6th at Atlanta
–Inside Man

Madeliene White: “Well detective, there are matters at stake here that are a little bit above your pay grade. No offense.”
Keith Frazier: “Well, why don’t you just tell the mayor to raise my pay grade to the proper level, and problem solved.”

Pretty sure I predicted this before the season started. He’s too good to be tamed, even if it is in inferior equipment.

NO. 8 – DENNY HAMLIN
4th at Daytona // 38th at Atlanta
–Ocean’s 11

Turk Malloy: “I’m gonna get out of the car and drop you like third period French.”

Be careful Danica. Joey. Whomever it may be. There’s a handful of guys this year that seem on edge – Denny may be one of em.

NO. 9 – KASEY KAHNE
9th at Daytona // 14th at Atlanta
–Inside Man

Madeliene White: “The sooner you STOP being my problem and START being my solution the better off you’ll be.”

There’s no way that this is an actual quote from Rick Hendrick to Kasey right? He’s quietly having a good year.

NO. 10 – ARIC ALMIROLA
15th at Daytona // 11th at Atlanta
–Italian Job

Steve: “You blew the best thing you had going for you. You blew the element of surprise.”

Aric made the Chase last year. And he’s off to a hell of a start this year. No one will be surprised to see him race up front.

article-1288602283053-0bda2696000005dc-79685_636x352

NO. 11 – BRAD KESELOWSKI
41st at Daytona // 9th at Atlanta
–Italian Job

Steve: “Still don’t trust me?”
Stella: “I trust everyone. It’s the devil inside them I don’t trust.”

Wonder who (nobody) how there (everywhere) will take any crap (bumper cars) from Brad this year. HE HAS A LOT OF FRIENDS. (No he doesn’t).

NO. 12 – CLINT BOWYER
7th at Daytona // 24th at Atlanta
–The Town

James Coughlin: “If we get jammed up, we’re holding court on the street.”

I just feel like Clint drives around thinking this the whole damn time he’s driving. Or wish.

NO. 13 – RYAN NEWMAN
38th at Daytona // 10th at Atlanta
–Reservoir Dogs

Joe: “Let’s go to work.”

Ryan Newman is to NASCAR what Bill Belichek is to interviews – strictly business. Both, are good at their business.

NO. 14 – CARL EDWARDS
23rd at Daytona // 12th at Atlanta
–Ocean’s 11

Danny: “Thirteen million and you drive this piece of shit cross country to pick me up?
Rusty: Blew it all on the suit.”

Rightfully so, it’s been a transition to his new team. Hope the hype wasn’t the suit, in this, unreal, completely random scenario.

030215_NASCAR_SmithStewart_PI_JP.vadapt.620.high.0

NO. 15 – REGAN SMITH
16th at Daytona // 17th at Atlanta
NO. 16 – DAVID RAGAN
17th at Daytona // 18th at Atlanta
–Reservoir Dogs

Mr. Blonde: “Was that as good for you as it was for me?”

For stepping into two completely different, new cars for the Busch brothers just days before the start of the season – they should be completely ecstatic with their first two weeks.

Can’t wait to see how the rest of the season pans out for these two.