Atlanta This Week // Best and Worst Paint Schemes

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ATL! The dirty south. Daytona is in the books and the season is rolling right along and if you thought things were weird last year – you better be ready to get more weird, part two this 2015.

Definitely my favorite looking car of the year thus far won’t be racing this weekend. Thanks to those ATLiens who STOLE Travis Kvapil’s #44 Chevy right out of the back of Team XTreme’s hauler just outside of Atlanta Motorspeedway this weekend. Wait, what? Yes. That happened.

Luckily Mr. Kvapil’s car has been found, but not in time to make qualifying, so he won’t be competing. But don’t you worry – Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum have been called in to make sure no more cars will be “stolen” this weekend.

As always, we pick our favorite drivers like girls pick which team is going to win the NCAA tournament. Jersey colors. But because these guys and Danica don’t really wear jerseys, we pick em by their cars. And we get pretty amped up when the paint schemes come out. Because I like NASCAR. And I like Design. So when the two come together.. “Oh word?”

So if you can’t win, you might as well look good!

THE BEST OF THE BEST


originalKyle Larson will drive the No. 42 Energizer Chevrolet.

I don’t know what it is about the No. 42 Energizer, but it gets me, what’s the word I am looking for.. Energized? Simple and sleek. Very nice of Energizer (The NEW Energizer Eco Advanced) to allow Kyle’s other sponsor to be a key component but not be to overwhelming with what can only be described as the “logo repeat all over” method at the bottom of the car. Love Kyle. Love the energy. Love the car.

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Jeff Gordon will drive the No. 24 3M Chevrolet.

I don’t know what has gotten into me, but every since Jeff Gordon has announced this “lame duck(?)” or “fame duck” season – I’ve been getting all sentimental towards the guy. I use to despise Jeff Gordon and the Rainbow Warriors. No body is going over the top this year design wise, but hey it’s still early.

This is a very nice and clean looking car. Love the lines and colors compliment each other perfectly. It says I’m sophisticated, but I’m here to party.

JeffGordon2012Dupont---Fantasy.jpg.w300h197Listen Jeff, I don’t know what you did to get me to put you on the best list here. But if I don’t see at least one old school, Dupont style, Rainbow Warrior car this year with you rocking I don’t care if it is a fake mustache – you won’t see yourself back on this list. At least a T-Rex man! C’mon the people are yearning for it.

THE WORST OF THE WORST

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Joe Nemechek will drive the No. 34 CSX-Play It Safe Ford.

Design wise. This isn’t terrible. Listen guys if you want to come help me teach my Van Gogh for kids class we can do primary colors all day long. But this isn’t about design. This is about making a statement.

“Play It Safe”? Play it freaking safe? Is that the message you want to give to your opponents as you hear some character actor who’s show on Fox will be cancelled in three weeks say fire up those engines? NO. Not at all. Not even if there is a fire!

Play it freaking safe – give me a break. Listen this may be too soon coming off Kyle Busch’s terrible crash/injury and last year Atlanta’s cat/squirrel incident. But play it freaking safe is not the message I want to send. Let’s at least bump it up to “Play It As If It’s a Long Yellow Light”. Live on the edge ladies and germs.

HONORABLE MENTION

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Matt Kenseth will drive the No. 20 Resers Toyota.

I’m torn here. Not Rip. I’m torn because last we I was clamoring for a giant drumstick on the side of the KFC car. And I was bewildered by the larger than life tarantula from Home Alone on the side of Biff’s car.

This week I get a giant bowl of Potato Salad? Excuse me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for a good bowl of tater salad, and I’m also a superstitious guy – I’ll wear flip flops in the snow to try and bring summer faster. I just don’t know anymore.

A great attempt at a great car. Just hoping next week we don’t see a five foot tall tampon on the side of the No. 1 Tampax car. And if we do, you can call me Rip Torn.

Daytona 500 This Week // Best and Worst Paint Schemes

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It’s the Daytona 500 baby! Time to let it shine! It’s like the first dance of the year. Your bring out your new suit, shine those shoes all pretty and let everyone know – you are here, and you mean business. It’s the 500, which means only one Hendrick car can win. So if you can’t win, you might as well look good!

Either way, once again – we pick our favorite drivers like girls pick which team is going to win the NCAA tournament. Jersey colors. But because these guys and Danica don’t really wear jerseys, we pick em by their cars. And we get pretty amped up when the paint schemes come out. Because I like NASCAR. And I like Design. So when the two come together.. “Oh word?”

THE BEST(?) OF THE BEST

 

original-3Justin Marks will drive the No. 29 American Born Moonshine Toyota.

This bad boy won’t catch your eye as it slides around the track at 200mph on Sunday. But once it hits the wall, gets up on the hauler and taken back to the garage – once that happens and you get a nice good look at it. You’ll know why  it’s the best. For starters, there weren’t a lot great cars to pick from. It’s kind of like picking the best show on NBC, hard to do. But it gets that top spot for me for one simple word on the side, “Moonshine”.

This car is the connection between the 2015 technology soaked NASCAR that is today back to the old school. Back to the roots of NASCAR. If you have a minute, read this great article on the lore that birthed NASCAR.

If you only have a second, I’ll tell you right now – NASCAR started by those good ol’ boys bootlegging that sweet, sweet nectar of the south called moonshine, running from the law, driving it like they stole it.

Enough of a reason for me to give it the best dressed award for this weekend at Daytona.

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AJ Allmendinger will drive the No. 47 Kroger/USO Chevrolet.

America. Honoring Our Heroes. Take note teams/drivers/designers of NASCAR paint schemes. It doesn’t take much to please this broadcaster – America.

There’s an awful lack of creativity this weekend for the first race of 2015, but if you ask any great designer what to do when you are struggling for a spark of creativity – throw an American flag on that piece!

AJ and team, you are the “Community” of the NBC lineup, coming in second to “Parks and Recreation” but only because you were going up against a bunch of shows like “The Michael J. Fox Show”.

At least nothing bad ever happened to “Community”.

 

THE BEST OF THE WORST

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David Ragan will drive the No. 34 Kentucky Fried Chicken Ford.

How is the Colonel’s huge face not on here?! KFC, you’ve got to have some creativity here. You have assed an American flag, which would have easily won you the week as we all know my love for America and should know about my love for KFC’s Loaded Potato Bowl.

I know I can’t see the hood of this car, but if there isn’t at least a drumstick on there, you are setting your selves up for a long year of scrutiny and have lost one young, cheap, chicken loving customer.

HONORABLE MENTION

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Greg Biffle will drive the No. 16 Ortho Ford.

Biff. To be honest with you (not quoting Charles Barkley here) – I had a hard time deciphering if you should be the best, or the worst painted car of the weekend. There’s a lack of American spirit which left you off the best list, but you put in about 110% more effort than the KFC car so you can’t be the worst.

I like the effort. I love the effort. I am not scared of bugs but may be after Sunday. You’ve set back the woman demographic NASCAR as longed to gain but if I ever see a 200lb tarantula in my apartment I will know who to call – after the Ghostbusters.

BUG B GON!

NASCAR 2015 // How They’ll End Up – with #SNL40

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As I light a few candles, turn on the Budweiser Duels and crack open a beer I think about this 2015 Sprint Cup Season and what could happen, what I want to happen and more realistically what should happen this year.

The year 2014 was amazing for NASCAR. I was pretty pumped up too as my favorite driver Kevin Harvick won the championship, but NASCAR couldn’t have written much better of a year after implementing yet another new Chase format.

To be honest with you (thanks Charles Barkley), I haven’t thought much about NASCAR since Homestead. I mean my brother gave me a sweet Harvick Championship T-Shirt for Christmas was great but other than that it hasn’t crossed my mind much.

But as soon as I heard my girlfriend tell me she was heading out with a few friends and that the Duels were on Fox Sports One tonight – I got giddy.

So I thought to myself I have to write something. I mean I only have a couple of days before the biggest and bestest race in motorsports kicks off the 2015 season. Which I also knew meant a few things.

1) I have to predict how they’ll finish.

2) I have to compare the drivers to something/someone.

Because SNL40 just happened less than a week ago, and I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it was and because I’ve used just about every Nic Cage quote there is already – I figured I would compare each driver to an SNL cast member.

I’ve got two rules though.

1) I’m only comparing them to cast members who to this day, are still alive. Otherwise it could get – weird. So when you don’t see John Belushi, Chris Farley, Phil Hartman.. You’ll know why.

2) I’m only comparing them to men. Mainly because I may meet these guys one day and I’m assuming after looking at my numbers that millions of people are going to read this. I don’t need Denny Hamlin mad at me for comparing him to Rachel Dratch. And it could get weird. So when you don’t see Kristen Wiig, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler.. You better know why.

So here it is, my 2nd Annual how will this finish and my 1st Annual comparing NASCAR drivers to SNL cast members list.

EAT YOUR HEART OUT ROLLING STONE!

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HONORABLE MENTION – The Good Enoughs

16. TONY STEWART – #14 Bass Pro Shops Chevrolet
Finish In Last Year’s Chase: N/A
Saturday Night Live Cast Member: Chevy Chase

Why Chevy Chase?: This is kind of mean. And not how I wanted to start this. But it makes sense right? I’m not focusing on the SNL career as much as the entire career arc – but the comparisons are there. At one time arguably the greatest there was and now, well unfortunately sad. You know the greatest is still there but who knows if we will see it again.

Why 16th Place?: I still think the greatest is there. Tony Stewart on a bad day is better than half the field. He’ll win again – at least once.

15. MARTIN TRUEX JR. – #78 Furniture Row Chevrolet
Finish In Last Year’s Chase: N/A
Saturday Night Live Cast Member: Jason Sudeikis

Why Jason Sudeikis?: For me, Sudeikis is one of the GOATs. That is a little strong but the dude crushed, on a cast that was loaded. You had Hader, Armisen, Samberg, Myers, Wiig – loaded. And Sudeikis. If it was any other year (the late 70’s?) he would be the guy. Martin could be the guy. But he’s racing in a decade full of Hader’s, Armisen’s, Samberg’s, Myers’ and one Wiig. See what I did there?

Why 15th Place?: Martin is a freaking great driver. He’s not on a great freaking team. He’s on a great team, but his team just can’t compete at the top.

14. CLINT BOWYER – #15 Five Hour Energy Toyota
Finish In Last Year’s Chase: N/A
Saturday Night Live Cast Member: Norm Macdonald

Why Norm Macdonald?: You never know what either of them are going to say. Ever. Also both very underrated and you really never know what either of them are going to say.

Why 14th Place?: We saw some wild cards get in last year. Why not Clint? That’s what I am suppose to tell you, shit. Well, uh – why not Clint?

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13. KYLE LARSON – #42 Target Chevrolet
Finish In Last Year’s Chase: N/A
Saturday Night Live Cast Member: Pete Davidson

Why Pete Davidson?: I wish I had the balls to put Eddie Murphy. Might be just a little premature for that though. How about Pete Davidson though? A real young guy with all the talent in the world. With SNL in a(nother) transition year, Pete could become the guy. Eddie did it. Pete could do it too. While NASCAR isn’t exactly in a transition year, some of these old farts will be pulling a Jeff Gordon sooner or later and Kyle Larson is going to be the guy.

Why 13th Place?: He finished one spot out of The Chase last year. When no one, and I mean no one probably even his parents believed he would finish there. He’ll get there this year, and then learn The Chase is a whole new ball game.

THIRD TEAM – The Put Up A Good Fights

12. GREG BIFFLE – #16 Cheez-It Ford
Finish In Last Year’s Chase: 14th Place
Saturday Night Live Cast Member: Chris Rock

Why Chris Rock?: I feel bad for Biff. He is another guy who has all this talent, but it probably isn’t being used correctly? Jack Roush is/was a good team. Unfortunately there isn’t the team around Biff there to be as dominant as he can/should be. Like Chris Rock, who was being used in correctly – put Biff in the right situation and he’ll kill. Until then..

Why 12th Place?: Same story different year. Good enough to get it done in the regular season and squeak out a few wins – doesn’t have enough to put it all together when it matters.

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11. RYAN NEWMAN – #31 Caterpillar Chevrolet
Finish In Last Year’s Chase: 2nd Place
Saturday Night Live Cast Member: Jon Lovitz*

Why Jon Lovitz?: Jon Lovitz benefited from being a pretty weak cast. Ryan Newman is going to benefit this year from coming off the year of his life. As fast as he got kicked to the curb for Kevin Harvick – he seemed to drive even faster to an unbelievable second place finish in The Chase. Lovitz came back that next year and people were watching for him, he rose to the occasion.

Why 11th Place?: Newman is coming back this year and people are watching for him. It may have been a fluke of a year, it may not have been. Either way – people will be expecting Ryan Newman this year.

10. KYLE BUSCH – #18 M&M’s Toyota
Finish In Last Year’s Chase: 10th Place
Saturday Night Live Cast Member: Adam Sandler

Why Adam Sandler?: The Sandman was the ultimate love him or hate him guy. The Younger Busch is the ultimate love him or hate him guy. Believe it or not, Sandler was fired from SNL. Kyle Busch won’t be getting fired from Joe Gibbs Racing anytime soon, but he better get back to that old Kyle Busch way of driving like he stole it – or he better hope that fire suit really does work as his seat will be getting hot. #NailedIt

Why 10th Place?: Kyle Busch is one of those guys who again I think on his worst day is better than half of the field. I don’t think he gets it all together this year, but one this is for sure – he can’t have has much bad luck as he did last year.

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9. CARL EDWARDS – #19 Arris Toyota
Finish In Last Year’s Chase: 9th Place
Saturday Night Live Cast Member: Mike Myers

Why Mike Myers?: I wish I could say I’m not a huge fan of Mike Myers so I could compare him to Carl Edwards because according to my Twitter feed (shameless plug @adamgoestreich) I am not a fan of Carl Edwards. But what I do know about Myers is that he is a perfectionist. And so is Carl Edwards. They care tremendously about their craft and to their detriment, they won’t stop until things are perfect. One of the best there is. One who will always be underrated.

Why 9th Place?: New year? New team? New car? New crew chief? New line of mediocre smelly will do you good in a pinch sandwiches? 9th isn’t terrible.

SECOND TEAM – The Close But No Cigars

8. DENNY HAMLIN – #11 Fed-Ex Toyota
Finish In Last Year’s Chase: 3rd Place
Saturday Night Live Cast Member: Jimmy Fallon

Why Jimmy Fallon?: Charismatic as all get out. This may be one of the comparisons that I actually stick to the game plan and compare Denny’s career to Jimmy’s SNL career. WARNING: This is only SNL Jimmy. Not killing the Tonight Show owning the SNL40 post party every celebrity’s best friend Jimmy. Both have the potential to be great. Always so close. Always so far. You like the guy, he’s good looking, but you aren’t sure how far you want to see him succeed. Plus when you need him to come in clutch he ends up cracking.

Why 8th Place?: Had a a hell of a 2014 and tough act to follow up. Last time he was that close to a Championship (2010) – he followed it up with a 9th place finish (2011). WHAT?! STATS?!

7. BRAD KESELOWSKI – #2 Miller Lite Ford
Finish In Last Year’s Chase: 5th Place
Saturday Night Live Cast Member: Dennis Miller

Why Dennis Miller?: A lot of people love Dennis Miller (and Brad). A lot of people thought Dennis Miller was really, really funny (Brad’s not that funny). A lot of people were/are/continue to be rubbed the wrong way by Dennis Miller (and Brad). Keselowski sure didn’t make any friends last year, and I don’t see any Edible Arrangements being sent his way anytime soon. If Brad is going to see victory lane this year, he is going to have Mario Kart his way there.

Why 7th Place?: He’s still really good. And while Brad has no friends in NASCAR, he doesn’t freaking care. He will have to take on the villain role this year – like he has any other choice.

6. DALE EARNHARDT JR. – #88 Nationwide Chevrolet
Finish In Last Year’s Chase: 8th Place
Saturday Night Live Cast Member: Jim Belushi/Eddie Murphy

Why Jim Belushi?: Well.. Jim Belushi because what a tough act to follow. Now listen, this is in no way comparing their talents to each other. I mean Dale just crossed the finish line as I type this to win his 15th time at Daytona. While Jim is still texting SNL groupies to come over to his apartment while striking out. But both had huge shoes to fill. Dale Sr. = THE GREATEST OF ALL-TIME / John Belushi = FUNNIEST THERE EVER WAS. So yeah – the same, jerks.

Why Eddie Murphy?: They are freaking rockstars. Both of em. Eddie was a bonafide movie star while still an SNL cast member while any time Dale wins a race they have to call in the Coast Guard to make sure the race track doesn’t burn to the ground. Now while as far as careers goes, Dale is probably somewhere in between Jim Belushi and Eddie Murphy, he’s inching closer and closer to Eddie as long as he doesn’t end up in a Dr. Doolittle 5 anytime soon.

Why Dale Jr. got two SNL cast members?: He’s Dale Jr.

Why 6th Place?: I want to believe. Just can’t do it. Last year was the year. Steve Letarte’s last ride – it was meant to be. It wasn’t meant to be. It took awhile for Dale to get use to his new crew chief, I don’t see it being a different story this time around.

5. MATT KENSETH – #20 Dollar General Toyota
Finish In Last Year’s Chase: 7th Place
Saturday Night Live Cast Member: Bill Hader

Why Bill Hader?: Another Bill, of the Murray ancestry recently said that Bill Hader is secretly the greatest SNL cast member of all-time. I can’t fully agree with that, but fuck (that’s the first one by the way) I could see it. I love Bill Hader. Unfortunately you would probably give Hader one of those Best All-Around driver awards. It’s not quite the MVP because we are giving that to the good looking kid who hits the game winners and wears the flashy shoes. But you are still the Best All-Around. That’s Bill Hader. That’s Matt Kenseth. If it wasn’t for this silly/amazing Race For The Chase thing Matt Kenseth could probably be the best driver of this era. But that isn’t the case. So hey Matt, congrats on your Best All-Around ribbon.

Why 5th Place?: Because I still don’t think Kenseth has still figured out his whole Chase thing. I mean it’s really not that hard to figure out right, just win. Which he will, a lot – during the season. THAT’S NOT WHERE IT COUNTS THOUGH BROTHER!

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FIRST TEAM – The Best Of The Best

4. KEVIN HARVICK – #4 Budweiser Chevrolet
Finish In Last Year’s Chase: 1st Place
Saturday Night Live Cast Member: Dan Akroyd

Why Dan Akroyd?: Old school. Not the movie. But the style. Kevin Harvick is an old school, no non-sense, get the job done, get out of the way guy. I once heard that Dan Akroyd punched out all the ceiling tiles while interrogating the entire 8th floor looking for his drugs. Oh and he’s an old school guy, all business type of guy. One of the best. Harvick has always been there. Never quite there, but finally got there. 2014 was his Blues Brothers. It finally put him up there with the best of the best.

Why 4th Place?: It’s tough to go back-to-back. Just ask the Seattle Seahawks.

3. JOEY LOGANO – #22 Shell-Pennzoil Ford
Finish In Last Year’s Chase: 4th Place
Saturday Night Live Cast Member: Fred Armisen

Why Fred Armisen?: Sneaky great. Fred was always right there. You weren’t sure how or why, but he was right there crushing each and every sketch he was in. You didn’t expect it, but he did it. Whether you liked it or not. Joey Logano is kind of just there. And he kind of just keeps getting in the mix and crushing. Hell of a 2014 with no signs of slowing down in 2015. Armisen sure didn’t slow down after SNL. I had to find some sort of other comparison there. Didn’t feel comfortable ending it there. Also the answer to how hasn’t he slowed down is What is Portlandia?

Why 3rd Place?: He’s good. Really good. Still young and good. He’s still feeling this hiccup at Homestead last year. But he’s going to need a hiccup from these next two guys to win his first championship.

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2. JIMMIE JOHNSON – #48 Lowe’s Chevrolet
Finish In Last Year’s Chase: 11th Place
Saturday Night Live Cast Member: Will Ferrell

Why Will Ferrell?: The greatest of this generation. We will have to wait hopefully a dozen more years and a handful more championships to rank JJ all-time. But it is safe to say he is the best of our generation, just like Will Ferrell. Just as Will Ferrell had hit after hit after hit – Celebrity Jeopardy, Spartan Cheerleader, Mandatory Drug Assembly. Jimmie Johnson had/has/will have Championship run after Championship run. You cannot ever count these two guys out. Still today, you never know when and where they will show up and remind you and everyone else that you are a mere mortal.

Why 2nd Place?: There’s no doubt he and Chad have figured out this Chase format. There’s just no way the Gods will allow him to rain on the parade of the man who made him (too far).

1. JEFF GORDON – #24 Drive To End Hunger Chevrolet

Finish In Last Year’s Chase: 6th Place
Saturday Night Live Cast Member: Bill Murray

Why Bill Murray?: Who doesn’t love Bill Murray? Who doesn’t love Jeff Gordon? Well me for instance back when I was young dumb and full of – yeah. Both may not go down as the titular greatest of all-time. Both will be in the conversation. Bill Murray and Jeff Gordon are those guys you take for granted. You can’t imagine your life without them. You are floored by their greatness but you also forget sometimes just how great they are. Until Bill Murray comes out as Nick Ocean and sings the Jaws Theme Song. Or until 42 year old Jeff Gordon goes all Tyson on Keselowki and starts a street brawl after a race. You love these guys. You miss these guys. You don’t know what you will do without these guys. And you really don’t wanna think about it at all.

Why 1st Place?: Now watch me bring this thing full circle. Tina Fey put it best at SNL40 during Weekend Update when she said, “What are they going to do, fire us?” That is going to be Jeff’s attitude all year long. Kevin Harvick may have been the the fastest car all year long last year, but Jeff was 1b. Dude was bad fast. And there is nothing you can put in his way that he won’t go Dale Sr./Cole Trickle/Ricky Bobby on your ass to get that checkered flag. Jeff Gordon is going all out this year. He’s got nothing to lose, and only that alluring Chase Championship to win. And that’s all that matters.

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P.S. *Jon Lovitz is still alive.

OhKs #33 // Larry Bird (9-24-14)

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This week’s episode starts out with an Public Service Announcement to podcasters everywhere – be careful what you say about Roger Goodell or ESPN may suspend you. The Oh’s Knows Bro’s then discuss the Iowa Hawkeyes and take a stab at predicting the upcoming Big Ten schedule. After a brief discussion about the ACL Music Festival, gambling and treating your girlfriend right the guys play some games! IMDB Movie Game, and like always a very special themed game of “Who, Who Are You?” This podcast is dedicated to Larry Bird #33 in your programs #1 in your hearts.

OhKs #32 // Cats vs. Dogs (9-17-14)

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Oh word? A new theme song for a very special game?! But before that – Adam and Nick, the Oh’s Knows Brothers not to be confused, talk about the crushing Iowa Hawkeyes loss as well as the biggest surprises so far in the NFL season when it comes to on the field activity. They also break down the first race of the NASCAR Chase and debate over who will be there at the end, cough Jimmie, cough not. Then the new theme song rolls us into a not so spirited round of “Top4 Movie Game” and someone mails it in “Who, Who Are You?”

NASCAR’s Chase Playoffs // How They’ll Finish

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With a little help from Nic Cage.

If you’ve read or stumbled upon or been forced to read this blog before. You know we love to mix sports with movies. Especially movie quotes because as we all know, you can relate them to absolutely anything. So why not try our hand with the NASCAR Chase, and how I think this will all play out. And to help out, I thought I’d bring in my dear friend, Mr. Nicolas Cage.

Enjoy!

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16. ARIC ALMIROLANational Treasure

Powell: How do a bunch of guys with hand tools build all this?

Ben Gates: Same way they built the pyramids – and the Great Wall of China.

Riley Poole: Yeah… the aliens helped them.

I like Aric. But let’s be honest, if it weren’t for the aliens and the new Chase rules he wouldn’t be here in the playoffs. Good for him though. It’s not like he is a bad driver, and this should get him some good exposure.. for 3 races. Honestly, it will be fun to see if he can battle it out and beat the Dinger for last. Side bets anyone?

15. AJ ALLMENDINGER – National Treasure

Riley Poole: Anyone crazy enough to believe us isn’t gonna want to help.

Ben Gates: We don’t need someone crazy. But one step short of crazy, what do you get?

Riley Poole: Obsessed.

Ben Gates: Passionate.

Like I said before, The Dinger may be battling it out for last place with #43, and like Aric – he’s lucky to be here. He’s a hell of a driver and he’s extra lucky considering all the craziness he’s been through to even be in a race car. He’s obsessed. And passionate. See what I did there? But you need more than that to win.

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14. KYLE BUSCH – Con Air

Baby O: How am I doing, son?

Cameron Poe: You’re doing fine.

Kyle just needs a good pep talk and a keep your head up kid after this year. He’s definitely going to forget all about 2014, as he may have already thrown in the towel on the season. It pains me to put him this low but he’s had worse luck this season than an NFL running back. Too soon? Sorry Kyle. And mom.

13. RYAN NEWMAN – Ghost Rider

Caretaker: You all right?

Johnny Blaze: Yeah, I’m good. I feel like my skull is on fire, but I’m good.

Man I like Ryan too. And the only reason I put him in front of Kyle is because.. Well yeah we went over that. (See NFL running backs). Ryan is a hell of a good driver who for getting kicked to the curb by Stewart-Haas is trying to put up a respectable showing for new owner Richard Childress by being the lone wolf in the Chase for said team. But he’s got to feel a little Ghost Rider-y after this season.

12. KASEY KAHNE – Gone In 60 Seconds

Freb: I can deliver more than pizzas, huh? Boosted her myself.

Donny: How did you get this car?

Freb: Actually, the keys were in it.

Donny: Well, that kinda defies the point.

Memphis: You stole a car that wasn’t on the list. Why don’t you just go to the police station in a red clown suit and let everybody know what we’re doing here?

I like Kasey. Is it weird that I keep saying I like these guys.. right before I rip them? I don’t not like Kasey. And he’s a hell of a driver, (that’s a nice way of saying I don’t like him), but I have to imagine if he wasn’t driving for Hendrick he wouldn’t be in the Chase. I mean the keys are just in the car. And you’re there. Don’t expect big things from him this fall.

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11. KURT BUSCH – Lord of War

Yuri Orlov: Any friend of my brothers’ is a… a friend of my brothers’.

Don’t lump Kurt in the same category as Kyle. Mainly because Kurt isn’t as good as Kyle, but eff Kyle is having a bad year. I couldn’t figure out which brother deserved this quote more. I wonder which one of them wouldn’t want to be lumped in with the other. Luckily for Kurt, he’s had better luck this year than little brother.

10. DENNY HAMLIN – Leaving Las Vegas

Ben Sanderson: I think when I’m done with this I’ll have a gin and tonic.

Listen Denny I know you don’t drink, and party, any more and I know you ripped us all to shreds at that press conference when you had rust in your eye. I’m not saying you’re going to drink after the Chase. But you’re going to wish you had one. Denny has to be wondering how and when he’s going to return to dominance again. And who knows maybe a gin and tonic would help!

9. GREG BIFFLE – Gone In 60 Seconds

Memphis: I just stole fifty cars in one night! I’m a little tired, little wired, and I think I deserve a little appreciation!

I don’t think Biff gets as much credit as he really deserves. He’s got to be feeling like he stole damn near fifty cars in one night just to get into this chase. And I’d love to put the Biff higher than 9 I really would! But there is a lot of freaking talent up there at the top. And unfortunately I don’t think the Biff can hang. But I appreciate you anyway sir!

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8. MATT KENSETH – Lord of War

Yuri Orlov: There are two types of tragedies in life. One is not getting what you want, the other is getting it.

Matt Kenseth has been to the top. He’s won it all. So he knows what it feels like. But it sure has been a while since he’s been there. I kept picking him to win over and over again this year and it never happened. He is Mr. Consistent. Unfortunately, because of you Matt, you gotta win to be in. And it just isn’t happening this year.

7. CARL EDWARDS – Con Air

Cameron Poe: Yeah, but like at this new prison you’re goin’ to, who’s gonna watch your back?

Baby O: God’s got my back. You know what I’m sayin’?

Carl’s last ride for ole Jack. If I were him, I’d just make sure I ain’t going out there and pissing off any of my new teammates. Yeah he could go for the Championship. But.. do we really think he’s got what it takes? I sure don’t. If you aren’t running a Hendrick or Penske car.. Or named Kevin. Just try to make nice.

6. JOEY LOGANO – 8MM

Max California: What is this?

Tom Welles: Money. People use it to buy goods and services.

Yeah I could say something about how Joey is rich and was given everything and so on and so forth. But that would be too easy. It’s also hard to keep saying that after the year Joey has had. Dude has been driving like he stole it week in and week out. Think he’s still a little to young to take it home, but maybe I’ll be wrong for the first time ever. Doubt it.

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5. JIMMIE JOHNSON – Gone In 60 Seconds

Memphis: Without disappointment you cannot appreciate victory.

Det. Roland Castlebeck: Did Eleanor tell you that?

What? Jimmie Johnson fifth? Yeah man. I did that. Listen I know you’ll be laughing in my face 10 weeks from now telling me how dumb I am. But he wasn’t even like the 5th best driver all year. I mean he’s the #1 best driver of all-time (whoa there) but he hasn’t been as dominant as always. Yes he’s 6-time, and that’s why I bumped him up to fifth. Let’s just say after this year he’ll appreciate those Championships a little more.

4. DALE EARNHARDT JR. – National Treasure

Ben Gates: [upset] I just… really thought I was gonna find the treasure.

Patrick Gates: Okay. Then we just keep looking for it.

Abigail Chase: I’m in.

Dale is the most emotional guy after races. And it pains me to see. He’s so close this year. And it would be so dominant to see him win it all and standing in Victory Lane in Homstead. Him, Steve and Amy. Listen we are all rooting for that. You, me, Wal-Mart, freaking NASCAR. We’d love to see it. But I just don’t think he’s quite there.. But again. I’d love to be wrong. For once. Especially when it comes to this prediction. JOOOOONYAAHHHHHHH!!!

3. BRAD KESELOWSKI – Lord of War

Yuri Orlov: I was the same man who was not good enough for you before, and I’m just not good enough for you now.

Eh I don’t even really know what this quote means. I asked Brad on Twitter what his favorite Nic Cage movie was and he never got back to me. Oh cool you have a girlfriend now? So do I. Either way Bad Brad has got to be most people’s pick to win it all. I’m not most people. There’s at least 2 people way faster than this dude..

2. JEFF GORDON – Gone In 60 Seconds

Memphis: I am a baaaad man.

Whoa. I use to hate Jeff Gordon. My brother loved him when we were younger and I would make fun of him so hard. One missed shipment and comfy ass Jeff Gordon shirt later – I love the dude. And how couldn’t you? I mean I wish he would grow his mustache back but that’s beside the point. Like Memphis Raines, Jeff has to be going into this thinking he’s a bad man. He is. Between him and another Freaky Fast driver, it’s a toss up to who would show up to the track on Sunday with the faster car. This is Jeff Gordon’s to lose. Damnit he’s so fast I want to pick him to win it all.

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1. KEVIN HARVICK – Con Air

Cameron Poe: If this thing goes bad, Larkin, I don’t think my daughter will… understand. If you speak to my wife again, you tell her: that I love her. She’s my hummin’bird. But, I couldn’t leave a fallen man behind. You’ll do that for me, won’t you, Larkin?

Vince Larkin: Sure, I will. What are you gonna do for me?

Cameron Poe: What do you think I’m gonna do? I’m gonna save the fuckin’ day!

Call it favoritism. Call it advertising at it’s finest (I love Budweiser. Jimmy John’s is great too). Call it what you want. But Kevin Harvick has been the fastest dude on four wheels almost every damn week this year. From the get go. Yes yes yes it takes more than that and Kevin hasn’t had that. We’re over it. Tony Stewart and the Stewart-Haas team are all in this year, bringing in new pit crew members to get this Freaky Fast #4 Chevy to Homstead and to hoist that Championship trophy. Kevin is due. He’s been there. Man he has been there so many times and been so close. He’s got SPEED. And a lot of it. He’s going to leave it out there these next 10 weeks, rubbin’, racing and doing anything and everything it takes to save the fuckin’ day. And win that NASCAR Sprint Cup Championship. #Huh.

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OhKs #31 // Rhymes Are Good (9-10-14)

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This week on Oh’s Knows.. The bros talk about the weekend that was, starting with an embarrassing win – really? – over a MAC football team by the Iowa Hawkeyes followed by the NFL weekend that was. Adam breaks down the best and worst part of the Cowboy’s season.. There’s a best? – and Nick talks a little bit about the Cardiac Colts. I think. The guys also make their picks for the NASCAR Race for the Chase and look forward to Iowa vs. Iowa State this weekend as well as discuss proper group texting etiquette. Wrapping things up with some games, we try and Stump the Schwab, but he wasn’t having it with these Ax Men. It’s ladies week on IMDB Top 4 Working Title and a fun and yet informative round of Who, Who Are You?

OhKs #29 // Hobo Train (8-18-14)

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This week the Oh’s Knows bros are getting amped up for football season. After discussing traveling via train and why Nick can’t leave Iowa anymore, they talk about great Robin Williams films, Jeff Gordon being dang fast and how bad the Cowboys are going to be – and how good, or bad the Colts will be. Then they play “IMDB’s Actors Known For Top 4 Movies on IMDB – Working Title”. Adam dominates, of course, if you count forgetting Leo was in the Titantic. And to wrap things up Adam stumps Nick, kind of, in “Who, Who Are You?” and the guys end on a very heartwarming quote.

OhKs #28 // Which Die-Hard? (8-10-14)

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This week the Oh’s Knows bros talk about Nick’s travel woes and his week with Mickey Mouse. The guys also talk about the unfortunate tragic event in racing that took place involving Tony Stewart. Later they get into the “Big 3″, Kevin Love to the Cavs and whether you should keep your Andrew Wiggins Cavs jersey or not. Wrapping things up the guys play a new game – Actors IMDB’s Known For Movies (working title)and the game that is quickly sweeping the nation, “Who, Who Are You?!” P.S. Adam bests his little brother for the first time ever.. Spoiler Alert.

OhKs #27 // In 3-2-1.. (8-3-14)

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This week the guys celebrate Nick’s new job and continuing his education. They also talk about the Ray Rice situation, and why they think Josh Gordon may, just may get out of his full year suspension. The guys also briefly discuss NASCAR, Fantasy Football and how Speed is one of the greatest movies of all time – snubbed of an Oscar. Wrapping things up, they guys play “Who, Who Are You?” a game that is quickly sweeping the nation!

OhKs #26 // And We’re Back! (7-27-14)

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After 5 months of vacation –  the Oh’s Knows Bros are back! They haven’t talked since the last podcast, and quickly get caught up and back to the nitty gritty. The lucky numbers today? 207, 75 and 33.. 207 days until Adam’s marathon, 75 days until the ACL Festival and 33 days until the Iowa Hawkeyes kick off football season! They also talk about LeBron’s decision TO RETURN HOME and play a round of “Who, Who Are You?”

Well this makes sense now!

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There were a few things that surprised me last weekend at Daytona.

TWO “The Big One’s” knocking out every popular driver not named Danica.

There were a few things that caught me off guard.

SEEING guys like Landon Cassill and David Ragan leading most of the race.

And there were a few things that just down right left me scratching my head. But after the semi-final round of the World Cup, with Germany dismantling Brazil 7-1 scoring freaking 5 goals in the first 30 minutes, my head can go un-scratched.

After that game, these images from the past weekend make total sense now!

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Straight off the bat, new logo this year — they were really banking on the Germans pitching a shutout. The Coke Seven To Zero. JUST ONE OFF!

Weird on Sunday. Makes total sense on Tuesday.

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Brazil car gets caught up in the first “Big One” while the Germany Seven car gets through untouched.

Weird on Sunday. Makes total sense after Tuesday.

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A group of young girls, apparently Rammstein fans (nothing weird about that) are not fans of the Rio movies and enjoying jumping in some puddles during one of the rain breaks.

Weird on Sunday. Makes total sense after Tuesday.

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The Pontiac Brazil 1 to 7 car in total disarray on Sunday.

Actually not that weird on Sunday. Still holds up today.

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Aric Almirola in victory lane on Sunday. Remind you that Aric is of Cuban-American decent and is clearly holding up a German flag in victory lane. May have been okay if it was Cuban flag. Ehh – on second that. Since it was Independence day weekend, it really should have been an American flag.

Weird on Sunday. Makes a little bit of sense on Tuesday, but still a little in the face of the spirit of the weekend. But hey Aric..

Hey. To each their own. Go Germany!

 

 

If you ain’t rubbing, you ain’t racing

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This past Saturday Sunday morning we got to see one hell of a show at the Firecracker 400 Coke Zero 400 at one of the most fun, fast, and fascinating places in all of the great history of motorsports – the Rain Forrest Daytona, Florida.

See what I did there?

Except a few problems that I would love to see changed.

  1. No more rain.
  2. No more multiple 15 car pileups involving damn near every chase driver while the top three drivers resembles a law firm more than a Sprint Cup race in July. (ie: Ragan, Cassill and Associates)
  3. No more boring races.

NASCAR: Coke Zero 400

Now I understand a few of those things can’t be avoided. Okay most all of them can’t be avoided but I think I am going to take a stab at if you don’t mind.

Oh you don’t?

Great!

  1. No more rain.

So there are these football stadiums, one in Dallas, one in Detroit and one in Phoenix just to name three – that have these things called roof. And to even take it a step further, these are retractable! So if it’s not raining, we got sunshine! But when you plan a race off the Atlantic Ocean in Hurricane season – press a beautiful button or even a clapper and as soon as Brian Neudorff sees green, “Clap on, clap off – the Clapper!” But leave it on.

Alternative Idea: Windshield Wipers

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2. No more multi car pileups.

Like the ole saying goes.. You know how it goes. But when you start rubbing too much, that ain’t necessarily racing now is it? You have to have guys on the track to race! How about we put bumpers all around the car like them bumper cars you would ride around at the fair when you were younger. Sure we will slow the cars down a good couple dozen MPH but anytime you bump up into someone you won’t be sent to the garage packing and starting throwing around the term “Hero” facetiously.

Alternative Idea: Start rooting for the guys who finally get a chance to run up front with the big boys.

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3. No more boring races.

Listen. As soon as the last red flag dropped just past halfway point. I turned the television off. Not only because my girlfriend had it up to here (my hand is really high off the ground right now) with NASCAR for one day/season/lifetime. But because I knew we weren’t going back to green flag racing. Boring. Too predictable. Give these guys rocket launchers, a twelve pack and an unlimited gift card for Sonoco fuel – that will liven things up!

Alternative Idea: Stop complaining about boring races. Not every race is going to be a knock’em out, drag’em out, short track, cross the finish line before we run out of fuel just hundred of thousands of seconds before three other guys kind of race. Get over it.

Plus, seeing these guys – and gals go 200mph trying to out race a radar, and 40 other guys isn’t boring. It’s white fist thrilling as hell.

Tony Stewart isn’t going to throw his helmet at a moving car every race. DW’s pit crew isn’t going to start a fight with another pit crew every race (plus it’d be weird if DW still had a pit crew). And you can absolutely bet that no one is going to run his face into Cale Yarborough’s fist, again and again – anytime soon.

BUT IT WOULD BE AWESOME RIGHT?!

Heck yeah it would be awesome. It’d be awesome if Dale Earnhardt, Tupac and Amelia Earhart were all stranded on a dessert island somewhere explaining to Tupac the extra N in Dale’s name and which one of them attempted to fly around the globe.

BUT IT ISN’T GOING TO HAPPEN.

Long story short. We aren’t going to to get an instant classic every Sunday. It’d be awesome. But it’s not going to happen. Sometimes we are going to get a good ole fashion All-American auto race. Between some badass dudes and chicks driving some badass American Muscle cars and Toyotas.

So for everyone out there complaining about the race this past 4th of July Holiday weekend (assuming people are), get over it!

And if no one is complaining. This is just a reminder to myself.. If you ain’t rubbing you ain’t racing.

And not every race is going to knock your socks off.

Oh and the whole Tupac thing – forget about it.

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About to.. lose a REAL bet to a FAKE person!

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Way back in the dog days of April, nearly 2 months ago but really closer to 1 and a half month ago I went out on a limb – ehh? – and said that Jimmie Johnson would not win before or during the Coca Cola 600.

Well ladies and gentlemen today is arguable the greatest day of the year. With 1100 miles in racing, and way more ego points on the line, like double 1100 and times a bunch more. I’m starting to get nervous.

It’s not the talk of the NASCAR town, but it is definitely one of the main story lines this year – that is the fact that Jimmie Johnson, Mr. 6 Time, Mr. Unstoppable – has been more stoppable than un and has yet to cross the finish line first in a single race so far in 2014.

Will it be tonight? I sure hope not! You see, if we hop back in to the way back machine, I said Jimmie Johnson wouldn’t win before OR during the 600. Not just before! Idiot! And you see, I kinda (not really at all) made a REAL bet with a FAKE (I’m sure it’s not a bot) person on Twitter.

Not that any of you care.. But I do! You see, I would feel really cool if I was correct on something like this! It would make me like a NASCAR expert or something! I would join the ranks of like the great Nascar James or Sir Sprint Cupps!

We all know Jimmie will win eventually. He will more than likely win in bunches! But please Jimmie, don’t win tonight – I don’t want to lose my REAL bet to this FAKE person I’ve never met!

 

 

Where you at JJ?

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Last week I went out on somewhat of a limb saying that Jimmie Johnson wouldn’t win until at least June.

I also wrote something saying something like Kevin Harvick should probably start getting concerned here soon.

Well Kevin Harvick sure has nothing to worry about after a dominating performance in Darlington for his second win this year. But Jimmie Johnson still remains winless, and makes me begin to wonder. Where you at JJ?

He will win before the Chase. He will make the Chase. He may win the Championship. So let’s just throw all that, “What if Jimmie Johnson doesn’t make it to the Chase?” crap. He’s going to.

But when?

After the Easter break and luxurious vacation by most if not all drivers that will be happening this weekend. We head to Richmond, Talladega, Kansas and Charlotte for the All-Star and Coca-Cola 600 to round out May before Summer racing officially starts.

Jimmie has won 1 time in Richmond,  2 times at Dega, 2 times in I don’t think we are in Kansas anymore as well as 3 consecutive years in a row winning in Charlotte.

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Not bad numbers, but not overly impressive numbers either. It’s a crap shoot at Dega and safe to say anything can happen in Charlotte as well. The chances of him winning are good but not likely, especially the way he’s been running this year. He’s not even the best driver on his team this year! Maybe not even the 2nd best! But he’s still miles ahead of you Kasey. Sorry.

Here’s the thing though. Why does Jimmie have to win now? Again, he’s going to. But maybe he doesn’t want to, need to, I’m sure he wants to but does he need to?

Why not mess around all spring and summer, get one or two wins and make the Chase and sneak up on everybody. He doesn’t have to crank out 5 wins in the regular season anymore. You win, and you’re in.

Perhaps Chad Knaus, the Bill Belichick or the Gregg Popovich of NASCAR is taking a page out of their books – just make the playoffs. Don’t over exert yourself. Yes yes I know, football and basketball is nothing like NASCAR – they are athletes in those sports. (Shut up Donavon McNabb) NASCAR doesn’t quite take the same toll on your body as those physical sports so you don’t have to rest for the playoffs.

But why beat yourself up, your equipment up or show your hand when you don’t have to? Chad Knaus is a genius.  He’s the best crew chief in the sport. Together with Jimmie Johnson, obviously, makes one of the best teams in the history of the sport. Maybe he knows something we don’t know? Like where JJ is.

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It’s a new outlook this season with new rules. It so far has been one of the strangest NASCAR starts I have ever witnessed. So in my personal opinion, don’t expect a handful of wins this year out of the 48 team. But if it happens – fuck I wouldn’t be surprised. He’s Jimmie Johnson after all! But until then.

Where you at JJ?

 

Darlington This Weekend // Best & Worst Paint Schemes

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Best of the best: Kasey Kahne in the #5 Great Clips Chevrolet

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It’s a rough batch here. But I guess I have to give it to ya Kasey. Or Great Clips. Seems like most cars are going the black paint route due to the fact that they are racing at “The Lady in Black.” Kasey’s sublte blues and yellow-ish greens really accent well with the red — I shouldn’t have slept in colors class in college. Yeah, that’s a class..

Probably the best idea: Jamie McMurray in the #1 CESSNA/Beechcraft Chevrolet

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It’s definitely going to hide those black stripes that everyone will most certainly earn at Darlington this weekend. I do feel bad for you Beechcraft though.. Because after this race people will more likely be thinking this was a Ricky Bobby car with zero sponsors. This thing is going to be blacker than — nope. I guess, er. Night.

A for effort: David Ragan in the #34 CSX Ford

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By lap 2 that “Around Railroad Tracks” is going to be painted black. All anyone is going to see is “Play it Safe.” I mean you can at least ask David, I don’t think anyone is going to be so willing to obey your request. Darlington’s Twitter handle isn’t @TooToughToTame for a reason. It’s only 8 races in, but driver’s have got to be getting antsy. There’s 16 spots in the chase this year – you basically win and you’re in. So at least you tried David, but I don’t think anyone is going to be playing it safe this weekend trying to run down that checkered flag.

Get on board or get to Russia!

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Yesterday wrapped up a two day tire test for a few NASCAR drivers and Goodyear at Michigan International Speedway. And shit got real.

After the debacle that was Martinsville, where you weren’t the cool kid in class unless you blew a tire – like peeing your pants in Billy Madison. People, not smart, er – less informed immediately began to blame Goodyear. Makes sense, they make the tires. But Goodyear quickly through together a rebuttal of – hey crew chiefs, how about you listen to us once and a while and fill them damn tires up all the way.

All of this is besides the point, and Goodyear could use a little boost, news, fun in the sun, to get back in good graces of NASCAR Nation.

That’s where Dale Earnhardt Jr., Clint Bowyer, Greg Biffle, Ryan Newman and Trevor Bayne come in.

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Yeah. You read that right. 217 mph. Now if you can’t get on board with that, just move right to Russia. Or North Korea. Cause that’s just straight badass son.

217 miles per freaking hour! Last year, Joey Logano set the track qualifying record at 203 mph. That’s a whole 14 mph faster! Holy hell Goodyear, what you got in those tires? Could this be our first ever case of performance enhancing drugs in tires? If there’s one way to get people to forget about your tires blowing up more than Kurt Busch on an ESPN reporter, it’s to top out at 215 plus.

It sure got me counting down the days to Michigan. Well done Goodyear.

When do you start getting concerned Kevin Harvick?

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You’re Kevin Harvick. You’re with a new team this year who happens to be one of your best bros. You got to keep all your sponsors. You have one of the best crew chiefs in the sport. You are coming off yet another Top 3 finish in the chase and you already have one dominating win this year which pretty much guarantees you a spot in the chase.

So what do you have to be concerned about?

Well.. Where do we start.

Maybe it’s the fact that Kevin currently sits in 26th place in points. Or the fact that he’s finished 36th or worse in 4 of 7 races this year. Maybe it’s the fact that if his or your car has it, Kevin has broken it. Hub, engine, tires, tires, tires and just about everything else. Maybe it’s an inexperienced young #4 Team or maybe it’s an under achieving cast of characters in Stewart-Haas Racing.

Whatever it is. It needs to be figured out soon.

There’s 19 more races until the start of the Chase. And while beginning to worry now would be like the Cubs planning on playing in October. It’s extremely too early to tell. But things need to shape up soon. Very soon.

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At times when Harv is good.. Holy shit is he good. He’s had one of if not the fastest car at one point in time for every single race this year. But when things go bad.. It’s like rooting for the aforementioned Cubbies. Extremely painful.

I wish I knew the statistics and could give some scientific day and time on when Rodney Childers needs to get his #4 back on track or update his resume again, but I don’t. If someone knows, anyone, please let me know.

Until then, I don’t think we are going to be concerned just yet. Not just yet. But for the sake of every Budweiser Racing fan, Rodney, Delana, the whole Stewart-Haas racing team, Jimmy Johns, my heart, and Mr. Kevin Harvick. Let’s just hope things shape up very soon.

 

“Quote, Unquote” // NASCAR Power Rankings No. 4

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Going on four what feels like a dozen races in to the 2014 NASCAR season, and it just keeps getting better doesn’t it? If you didn’t like the rubbin’ and racing at Bristol, then you can just get the hell out. Dale fell from grace this week, not too far, but we had quite the shakeup. If I was ranking on how they woulda, coulda and shoulda finished (and I was close), Mr. Kevin Harvick would be your clear number one driver. Thanks again for those engines Rick Hendrick! Either way, it has been a bleeping heck of a good time through four races, and next week we head back west to Fontana fun!

This week – because it has been raining like cats and dogs and they sure have been coincidentally been promoting the hell, sorry Jesus, out of this Noah movie. Ladies and gentlemen, Russell Crowe.

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1. Brad Keselowski (LW: 2) – American Gangster

FBI Agent: If you want, we can assign someone to you?

Detective Richie Roberts: FBI protection? My life is dangerous enough as it is!

2. Carl Edwards (LW: 7) – Noah

Noah: The beginning! The beginning of everything!

3. Kevin Harvick (LW: 3) – Gladiator

Robin Longstride: Ask me nicely.

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4. Dale Earnhardt Jr. (LW: 4) – 3:10 to Yuma

Ben Wade: Remind me never to play poker in this town.

5. Jeff Gordon (LW: 6) – Robin Hood

Robin Longstride: Rise and rise again until lambs become lions.

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6. Joey Logano (LW: 4) – A Beautiful Mind

Nash: They are my past. Everyone is haunted by their past.

7. Denny Hamlin (LW: NR) – Gladiator 

Maximus: I am required to kill, so I kill. That is enough.

8. Jimmie Johnson (LW: 5) – Gladiator

Maximus: Are you not entertained? Are you not entertained? Is this not why you are here?

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9. Kasey Kahne (LW: NR) – Man of Steel

Jor-El: Our people can co-exist.

10. Matt Kenseth (LW: 9) – A Beautiful Mind

Nash: In competitive behavior someone always loses.

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Honorable Mention

Greg Biffle (LW: NR) – Mystery, Alaska

John Biebe: You’ve been smilin’ a lot lately.

Tony Stewart (LW: NR) – A Beautiful Mind

Nash: You wanted to see if I was crazy and would screw everything up if I actually won.

“Quote, Unquote” // NASCAR Power Rankings No. 3

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Three races in to the 2014 NASCAR season and it has been exciting as all get out. Dale Jr. rolled the dice (never gets old) in Vegas and came up short, just a little bit and the Karate Kid Brad Keselowski took home the victory. There wasn’t much of a shake up towards the top, but everyone else who hasn’t won a race yet this year really needs to figure their shit out. Next week we head to Bristol for some good ole short track racing! Boogity!

This week – because he has a Karate Kid of his own, and because rumors are going around that he recently died on a movie shoot, he didn’t we want to honor Will Smith. Remember, he didn’t die, believe it or not some things on the internet are not true. Unless you read it here. Ladies and gentlemen, Will Smith.

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1. Dale Earnhardt Jr. (LW: 1) – Men In Black

Jay: There’s only one way off this planet, baby, and that’s through me.

2. Brad Keselowski (LW: 3) – Independence Day

Captain Steven Hiller: I ain’t heard no fat lady!

3. Kevin Harvick (LW: 2) – Independence Day

Captain Steven Hiller: I could’ve been at a barbecue!

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4. Joey Logano (LW: 9) – Men In Black

Jay: You know what the difference is between you and me? I make this look GOOD.

5. Jimmie Johnson (LW: 4) – Ali

Muhammad Ali: Is that all you got?

6. Jeff Gordon (LW: 5) – Enemy of the State

Robert Clayton Dean: Conspiracy theorists of the world unite.

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7. Carl Edwards (LW: 10) – Bad Boys

Mike Lowrey: Now that’s how you supposed to drive! From now on that’s how you drive!

8. Ryan Newman (LW: NR) – Hancock

Hancock: All of you people, blocking the intersection, you’re all idiots.

9. Matt Kenseth (LW: 7) – Hitch

Hitch: I just know that I want to be… miserable. Like, really miserable. But hey, if that’s what it takes for me to be happy, then… wait, that didn’t come out right.

10. Kyle Busch (LW: 6) – Wild Wild West

Capt. James West: Actually, I was thinking I’d stuff your little half-an-ass into one of these cannons and fertilize the landscape with ya.

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Honorable Mention

Paul Menard (LW: NR) – Bad Boys

Marcus Burnett: Hey man where-where-where’s your cup holder?

Mike Lowrey: I don’t have one.

Marcus Burnett: What the f- w’you mean you don’t have one? Eighty thousand dollars for this car and you ain’t got no damn cup holder?

Mike Lowrey: It’s $105,000 and this happens to be one of the fastest production cars on the planet. Zero to sixty in four seconds, sweetie. It’s a limited edition.

EDUCATE News No.3 // Brad Doubles Down in Vegas #NASCAR (3-11-14)

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Brad Keselowski wins the Kobalt 400 in Las Vegas! It took Dale Jr. to run out of gas, but he won – and I don’t think he’s giving his trophy to Jr. anytime soon. EDUCATE News breaks down race, talks to the three winners in NASCAR so far this season, reviews the first ever EDUCATE Book of the Month Club and predicts next week’s winner in Bristol!

“It’s like if the #406 met SNL.” – Said no one ever.

A fake interview with the real Vegas winner // Brad Keselowski

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ME: You doubled down in Vegas this weekend, how does that feel?

BK: That’s what we came here to do and it feels great. You know I just love to race and to be able to go out there and race Nationwide and Sprint all in one weekend is a dream come true. And to win them both, that’s icing on the cake.

ME: Are you going to give Jr. that trophy since he handed you the victory?

BK: (Laughs) Absolutely not! He’s got a few trophies of his own, like that Daytona 500 one so I think he’ll do fine without this one.

Kobalt 400

ME: What did it feel like to pass your mentor on the last lap?

BK: You know I wouldn’t be here without that guy. So it’s definitely bittersweet. One of the great things about this sport is that at the end of the day we’re all friends. But when you are out there on the track – it’s every man for himself.

ME: And woman.

BK: And woman.

ME: Be honest.. You were crying in victory lane weren’t you?

BK: Man there was so much Miller Lite flying around it got me square in both eyes it stung. I couldn’t see nothing.

ME: So you weren’t just really emotional?

BK: I was pretty emotional but I was more pumped up than anything.

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ME: You didn’t make the Chase last year. You are all but guaranteed a spot with this win, that has to feel good right?

BK: It feels great you know. We definitely have a lot more work to do but it is a huge weight off our shoulders. We plan on winning a few more races between now and come Chase time but it gives us the opportunity to mess around with the car and do some things we might not normally do if we didn’t know we wouldn’t be racing for that championship.

ME: How many Miller Lite’s do you drink after a win like this?

BK: We plan on having quite a few. I don’t plan on getting any in my eye though they are going to go down nice and smooth.

ME: Like 24?

BK: Maybe not that many. We got Bristol in just a few days!

ME: Can you please just do me one solid and drive the white throwback Miller Lite car the rest of the year?

BK: I’ll see what I can do.

ME: That’s fair.

BradKesolowski

Las Vegas This Weekend // Best & Worst Paint Schemes

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Kevin Harvick dominated in Phoenix. Maybe it’s because he was driving the “Freaky Fast” Jimmy Johns car on Sunday. Or maybe it’s just because he’s just really good and pretty much owns Phoenix. Or at least has his own parking spot. This week, Las Vegas. And what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas – so I’ve heard. Does that make sense?

Either way, once again – we pick our favorite drivers like girls pick which team is going to win the NCAA tournament. Jersey colors. But because these guys and Danica don’t really wear jerseys, we pick em by their cars. And we get pretty amped up when the paint schemes come out. Because I like NASCAR. And I like Design. So when the two come together.. “Oh word?”

If you see a cooler/better looking/neater car on Sunday. And you don’t see it here. That could be because one of two things. 1) I may have bad taste. 2) Not every single paint scheme is made available before the race on Sunday. So there.

Best of the Best: Jeff Gordon in the #24 Axalta Chevrolet

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Finally! Jeff Gordon is listening to me! Almost! The Rainbow Warrior is looking a little more rainbow warrior-y. This car is slick. Blacked out with flames. Can’t go wrong. I mean I would never put flames on my car. But I have never really been able to pull off a good mustache and I have never been known as the Rainbow Warrior. Not yet at least. Keep up the great work Jeff. I wore my Kevin Harvick Budweiser shirt last week. This week, my Jeff Gordon Hendrick Motorsports shirt. Unfortunately, it’s not rainbowed, but it will do.

Fourth Meal: David Ragan in the #34 Taco Bell Ford

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Maybe because I like Taco Bell. Maybe because I like the color purple. Who knows exactly why, but I really like the look of this car. The purple front end, the black back end with a little pink accent in the middle – nailed it. Maybe someone, Taco Bell maybe, NASCAR maybe, David Ragan? Probably not. Thought like a designer and decided, less is more. Because this car, looks fantastic. And only if it had a rainbow on it, would it have beat Jeffy Gordon. Better luck next time David.

Honorable Mention:

Denny HamlinHamlin

  • I held out last week. But three weeks in a row.. I can’t take it anymore. I get it FedEx. You have all kinds of different services that are differentiated by colors. That doesn’t mean you have to make everyone one of you cars the same boring black with a sunburst of purple or green or orange or whatever it is. You’re creative. You did that whole arrow in the logo thing. C’mon. If this happens one more time, I’m writing a letter to you, and sending it via UPS. Get your shit together. Oh and good luck Denny!

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  • The 3 is back. And I’ve got to be honest I love it. I am a huge Dale fan. And after much back and forth, and fine with the 3 back in NASCAR – it honors Dale. But could we also honor him with a better paint scheme. Listen. I know, without sponsors you don’t have NASCAR. Fine. I get that. But if you are going to sponsor the 3 car. Make a freaking white logo and slap it on the hood of an all-black 3 car. That’s it. Final. All black 3 with a little bit a red and white. No more of this yellow shit. Black. Got it?

For the rest of the NASCAR paint schemes that have been released so far for the race on Sunday, click here!

I don’t like.. I don’t want him to.. Again? // Jimmie Johnson

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Quick.. Who’s your favorite NASCAR driver?

Jimmie Johnson? Really? How can you cheer for that guy? What about Smoke? Or Jeff Gordon? Or Kevin Harvick or one of the Busch brothers? What about Matt Kenseth or Denny Hamlin or I guess even Carl Edwards? Even Dale Jr. Join Jr. Nation man!

These days, you don’t hear to many people say I rooting for Jimmie Johnson to win. Again. I mean c’mon guy you’ve won 6 championships in the past 8 years. Let someone else get a crack at it. Anyone else!

I’ll be the first to admit that I do not root for Jimmie Johnson to win on Saturday night’s or Sunday afternoons. I’ll even admit that, sorry Mom and Dad, I curse when he does win. It’s boring. It’s old. It’s not fun, exciting, or fun and exciting. It’s jut getting old.

Today I listened to Tony Stewart on the Dan Patrick show. He was asked who he thinks means more to NASCAR.. Jimmie Johnson or Dale Jr.?

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Almost a trick question.

My first thought was Dale Jr.

Tony’s response was Jimmie Johnson. I questioned it for a second, and then Tony went on to explain..

We are watching history in the making. They both mean so much to NASCAR. Dale Jr. is the biggest name and the lifeblood of one of the greatest drivers of all-time.

But what Jimmie Johnson is doing is insane. And so important to the sport. Like The Steeler’s in the 70’s, Jordan and the Bull’s in the 90’s. Tiger Woods and Roger Federer. The Yankees of life and the Patriots as of late. Jimmie Johnson is a dynasty. And what he is doing is insane.

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You may not root for him this weekend in Las Vegas. I won’t. Or this entire year. I’m not. And you may not want to see him win ever again. But he will. Because whether you like it or not, that’s what fuels him. And when you look back, if you are lucky enough to have kids, grandkids, great grandkids and you are fortunate to get them to listen to you for a good 10 minutes and watch 50 laps of a NASCAR race.

You can tell them about Jimmie Johnson. And how unbelievably dominate he was way back when – in an era with so many talented and competitive drivers. (After all he’s not racing against the Fresno Go-Kart Club.)

When you didn’t want to root for him. And took it all for granted. How he put NASCAR on the map and his name with some of the all-time greats in all of sport.

Again. I ain’t rooting for the guy. But I like the guy. You have to like the guy. If you don’t you are more insane than this dent he is putting in NASCAR history.

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“Quote, Unquote” // NASCAR Power Rankings No. 2

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The second week in the 2014 NASCAR season is in the books. Mr. Kevin “Happy” Harvick won in the desert and is throwing his weight around in the Stewart-Haas Racing garage. He jumped a spot or two in the power rankings this week, and the one guy people may or may not have expected to be running so damn well at the start of the year isn’t going anywhere. Dale Jr. 1st and 2nd place. Ca’mon boys and girls. Jr. Nation is celebrating tonight!

This week – quotes from maybe the biggest come from behind Oscar winner of all-time, in honor of Matthew McConaghuey.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Press Room

1. Dale Earnhardt Jr. (LW: 1) – Dallas Buyers Club

Ron Woodroof: Am I fucking dreaming?

2. Kevin Harvick (LW: 4) – Dazed And Confused

Wooderson: Let me tell you what Melba Toast is packin’ right here, all right. We got 4:11 Positrac outback, 750 double pumper, Edelbrock intake, bored over 30, 11 to 1 pop-up pistons, turbo-jet 390 horsepower. We’re talkin’ some fuckin’ muscle.

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3. Brad Keselowski (LW: 6) — Ghosts of Girlfriends Past

Connor Mead: I am begging you: don’t run away. You and Paul have something so rare, so powerful! Don’t chicken out now.

4. Jimmie Johnson (LW: 3) – Magic Mike

Dallas: Fact is, the law says you cannot touch!

Dallas: But I think I see a lotta lawbreakers up in this house tonight…

5. Jeff Gordon (LW: 7) – Dazed And Confused

Wooderson: Let me tell you this, the older you get the more rules they’re gonna try to get you to follow. You just gotta keep livin’ man, L-I-V-I-N.

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6. Kyle Busch (LW: 5) – Dallas Buyers Club

Ron Woodroof: These fuckers are coming at me, man, from all angles. I wanna file a restraining order.

7. Matt Kenseth (LW: 8) – How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days

Ben: Is that too soon to be seeing a therapist?

8. Denny Hamlin (LW: 2) – We Are Marshall

Jack Lengyel: One day, not today, not tomorrow, not this season, probably not next season either but one day, you and I are gonna wake up and suddenly we’re gonna be like every other team in every other sport where winning is everything and nothing else matters.

9.  Joey Logano (LW: NR) – How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days

Ben: That’s what I was, huh? I was your guinea pig, somebody you can test your theories on.

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10. Carl Edwards (LW: NR) – Tropic Thunder

Rick Peck: How’s the adoption thing going?

Tugg Speedman: Not good.

Rick Peck: At least you get to choose yours. I’m stuck with mine.

Honorable Mention

Clint Bowyer (LW: HM) – Fool’s Gold

Ben ‘Finn’ Finnegan: Hey, boats sink! No one knows why!

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EDUCATE News No.2 // Harvick Dominates Phoenix #NASCAR (3-4-14)

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Kevin Harvick dominates Phoenix, for his 1st win at Stewart-Haas Racing. That’s about all that happened. But not quite. There was some bumping, some words exchanged, and a whole lot of Twitter activity. EDUCATE News breaks down Junior’s arrival to the Tweets, his spotter tweeting during the race and the hashtags that the losing drivers used – they shoulda used #FreakyFast too!

“It’s like if the #406 met SNL.” – Said no one ever.

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A fake interview with the real Phoenix winner // Kevin Harvick

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ME: So you didn’t waste much time to getting to the winning thing here with Stewart-Haas Racing..

KH: You know it didn’t take long to fit in here. There’s a bunch of great guys. Tony and I have been great pals for a long time now and it’s just a good fit. You know I don’t think I would have made the jump to SHR without feeling comfortable about it.

ME: And you didn’t just win, 224 out of 312 laps..

KH: Yeah we led a lot of laps. But the only lap that matters is at the end of the race. I’m not sure exactly why it is but I love coming here to Phoenix but we run well. I love running down on the low groove and passing on that apron it’s just fun. We had a lot of fun out there today and I couldn’t have done it without my guys and especially Rodney.

ME: It felt like you absolutely crushed every single restart, until the last one of the day when it mattered the most. What’s up with that?

KH: Yeah I don’t know what happened there. We had been doing really well and I think getting some help from Joey on a few. That’s something I’ve been working a lot on, trying to get right – you can win or lose a race all on that restart. Luckily that last one didn’t cost me too much I don’t think.

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ME: Have they given you a VIP parking spot for your camper at Phoenix yet, or a golden star on the sidewalk somewhere? Maybe all you can eat hot dogs..

KH: All you can eat nachos would be nice. They don’t have a camper parking spot for me yet but that would be nice, maybe that’s something I can work on for when I come back in the fall.

ME: Good call. Let’s work on that. You lapped Austin Dillon shortly after you took the lead. Did you think about putting him into the wall at all?

KH: It didn’t really cross my mind. You know what I said last year is in the past, I’ve talked to Richard about it and Ty and Austin and they’re good kids. I think it got blown out of proportion a little bit and I wouldn’t get back into them during a race I don’t think. Especially that #3 car. It’s pretty fancy looking isn’t?

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ME: Oh it sure is. I kept waiting for you to thank Richard Childress and the RCR team in victory lane. Did you almost slip at all or feel like thanking him anyway?

KH: It was close. I mean I said it 20 sometimes over 13 years, it was kind of a habit. I did a little practicing in front of the mirror though.

ME: So you feel good about staying and working for your buddy Tony?

KH: As long as he keeps his hands off my wife, I feel pretty good about working for Tony for quite a while.

ME: Would you rather have a Jimmy Johns bath or a Budweiser bath?

KH: Either one. As long as that #4 Chevy is in victory lane.

KevinHarvick

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Phoenix This Weekend // Best & Worst Paint Schemes

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Off a very exciting Daytona 500, we head to Phoenix where the season “officially” starts. And because we pick our favorite drivers like girls pick which team is going to win the NCAA tournament, we get pretty amped up when the paint schemes come out. (Oh girls pick their favorite jerseys, not “student-athlete’s” cars – those are all black Escalades, that would get redundant. But it seems as if every year some girl wins the NCAA Bracket Pool creating a shit storm, but we will save that for another day)

Best of the Best: Kyle Busch in the #18 Skittles Toyota

It doesn’t get much better than this boys and girls. This is one sharp hot rod. I keep asking, praying, begging for Jeff Gordon to bring back the “Rainbow Warrior” car. I think this is the closest I will ever get to seeing that happen again. I’m actually really rooting for Kyle Busch to make it to victory lane so he can make it rain Skittles and shout, “TASTE THE RAINBOW SUCKAS!” The only thing that would make this car better is if Marshawn Lynch’s mug appeared somewhere on the car. Preferably the hood.

Check out this AWESOME video and my new dream job, of the new Skittle’s wrap being put on Kyle’s car: Kyle Busch to follow the rainbow to Phoenix

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Not the worst but ehh..: Paul Menard in the #27 Pittsburgh Paints/Menards Chevrolet

I like Paul. And being a Midwesterner, I like Menards. Great dog products. I also like to paint. This car isn’t terrible. But. Eh. It could be a lot better. C’mon Pittsburg Paints. I mean your logo is a rainbow, what about the freaking “Rainbow Warrior” car?!

I’m really sorry to worry about obsession with rainbows..

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Maybe a little worse, not terrible but still ehh..: Kyle Larson in the #42 Clorox Chevrolet

The only thing that would make this car worse is if Juan Pablo was still driving it.

Honorable Mention:

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  • Sticking with the Daytona winning National Guard paint scheme. America. Love it.

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  • Really enjoyed seeing the throwback Miller Lite Car. Guess I was wrong when said it’d be around for a while.

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  • I don’t think Jimmie’s Lowe’s car is ever going to make the best list. But it will never make the worst. Consistently a sharp looking car. Let’s jazz it up a little bit though eh 6-time?

Check out all released paint schemes here: Phoenix Paint Scheme Preview

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Stewart-Haas Racing.. wtf?

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Like quite a few people, I went out on a limb and said Stewart-Haas Racing was going to be unstoppably dominant in 2014. BOY WAS I WRONG.

No, no let’s be serious – I didn’t exactly go out on a limb, and it was just one race. One race that features 200 laps of 200mph 3 wide racing where it’s any man or woman’s (Richard Petty shaking his head) race.

But it wasn’t exactly a confident boost.

1200xDanica Patrick finished 40th after a crash with about 60 laps to go. Tony Stewart finished 35th after yet another engine problem. The “Ou41aw” Kurt Busch almost graced the top 20. Almost, finishing 21st. And Kevin Harvick led the pack placing lucky number 13, which could have been, should have been, a top 5ish but ended up getting collected in the wall on the final lap of the race.

So.. off the top of my head, if this were golf and adding all those up that would be.. Not good.

But again. One race. Yeah, Hendrick Motorsports went 1-4-5 and 31 (damn you Kasey Kahne really could have nailed this one) but you can’t yeah quite compare SHR to Mr. Hendrick. Or even Coach Gibbs. Unfortunately.

We knew those two teams, Hendrick and Gibbs would be there. Dominating. We are hoping, Stewart-Haas could be there as well.

Let’s not over react too much. But let’s pick it up a little bit boys and girls. We knew we would be talking A LOT about one of the most interesting teams in all of NASCAR. Just didn’t think it would be for ALL the wrong reasons.

Luckily, Daytona can be a fluke – just don’t tell Dale Jr. that. Or Tony Stewart. And luckily we are off to Phoenix this weekend where the #4 Budweiser Chevy from SHR has won 2 of the last 3 races there. So let’s don’t let us down again boys! And girls! Sorry King!

There’s still time to be that dominant team we all knew you could be! Please!

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“Quote, UnQuote” // NASCAR Power Rankings No. 1

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The first week in the 2014 NASCAR season is in the books. Mr. Dale Earnhardt Jr. won The Great American Race and is poised to win it all this year. Right? That’s how that works isn’t it? Well he isn’t really guaranteed a Championship, but he does have a spot in the Chase, so that’s a good start. And although the super speedways are every man and woman’s race, we still have to come up with a power rankings. BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT AMERICA DOES. And because we like to go against the grain, and love movies – we thought we’d combine the two.

This week – quotes from some of the greatest comedies of all-time, in honor of Harold Ramis.

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1. Dale Earnhardt Jr. — Groundhog Day

Phil: I’m a god.

Rita: You’re God?

Phil: I’m a god. I’m not the God… I don’t think.

2. Denny Hamlin — Groundhog Day

Phil: I’m betting he’s going to swerve first.

3. Jimmie Johnson — Ghostbusters

Dr Ray Stantz: I think we’d better split up.

Dr. Egon Spengler: Good idea.

Dr. Peter Venkman: Yeah… we can do more damage that way.

4. Kevin Harvick — Animal HouseAnimal-House_a3933c4a_0

D-Day: We have an old saying in Delta House: don’t get mad, get even.

5. Kyle Busch — Caddyshack

Richard Richards: Better come in till this blows over.

Bishop: What do you think, fella?

Carl Spackler: I’d keep playing. I don’t think the heavy stuff’s gonna come down for quite awhile.

Bishop: You’re right. Anyway, the Good Lord would never disrupt the best game of my life.

6. Brad Keselowski — Groundhog Daygroundhog-day-driving

Phil: It’s the same thing your whole life: “Clean up your room. Stand up straight. Pick up your feet. Take it like a man. Be nice to your sister. Don’t mix beer and wine, ever.” Oh yeah: “Don’t drive on the railroad track.”

7. Jeff Gordon — Caddyshack

Ty Webb: I’m going to give you a little advice. There’s a force in the universe that makes things happen. And all you have to do is get in touch with it, stop thinking, let things happen, and be the ball.

8. Matt Kenseth — Caddyshack

Dr. Beeper: I thought you’d be the man to beat this year.

Ty Webb: I guess you’ll just have to keep beating yourself.

9. Kurt Busch — Ghostbusters

Dr. Peter Venkman: I’m gonna take back some of the things I said about you, Egon.

10. Paul Menard — CaddyshackMurray-Caddy-Shack-groundhog

Carl Spackler: Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac… It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole!

Honorable Mention

Austin Dillon and Clint Bowyer — Animal House

Flounder: I can’t believe I threw up in front of Dean Wormer.

Boon: Face it, Kent. You threw up “on” Dean Wormer.

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EDUCATE News // Dale Jr. Wins The Daytona 500 #NASCAR (2-25-14)

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Dale Earnhardt Junior wins the 2014 Daytona 500. But not after Jimmie Johnson did, again – according to one news outlet. EDUCATE News breaks down The Great American race from Kyle Busch’s airgun penalty, Delana Harvick’s tweet, Tony Stewart’s Engine problems and a possible conspiracy theory in NASCAR!

“It’s like if the #406 met SNL.” – Said no one ever.

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A Fake Interview with the REAL Daytona 500 Winner // Dale Earnhardt Jr.

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ME: You won the Daytona 500..

JR: We did.

ME: Are you heading to Disney World?

JR: Naw I don’t think that’s how it works. I think that’s just for the Super Bowl. I’ll probably head back home for a day, hang out with a few friends and it’s on to the next one.

ME: No offense, but you don’t win many races. But you come out here and win the first one of the year? And it’s the Daytona 500? What’s up with that?

DaleJrWinJR: Yeah I guess it’s been a while huh? I love racing here. You know last year me and Steve really starting clicking, and we finished the year strong and we kind of just picked up where we left off. We had a great National Guard car tonight, Steve made some great moves, I had some help from the other Hendrick guys in Jimmie and Jeff up front and we, you know we were feeling pretty good about our chances and we were in the right place at the right time to win it.

ME: Yeah but you weren’t just in the right place at the right time, you kind of dominated all night..

JR: It’s really hard to dominate in this sport. You need a lot of luck. It was a good day that’s for sure.

ME: What do you say to Steve Letarte your Crew Chief when he tells you that you have what appears to be a garbage bag on your grille with 3 laps to go?

JR: I wasn’t too worried, but I was really trying hard not to wreck the Pace Car. You know a few years ago we had a Jet Dryer explode we didn’t need another delay with me spinning out the Pace Car with 3 laps to go. But we really weren’t to worried. I tried to get it off, but it obviously worked out you know.

ME: So you’ve got a spot in the chase. What are the chances you head on down to Cabo for a few months, hang out, get some R&R and come back in November to win it all?

nscs_dale_earnhardtjr.png.mainJR: (laughs) I don’t think that’s going to happen. You know in this sport especially, you can’t bank on anything. I have a spot in the Chase, but there’s a lot of racing left. A lot of time to figure out cars, tracks and keep working with Steve to get things right, there’s a lot of testing to do.

ME: What was it like seeing the #3 car out there, for at least most of the race?

JR: You know I didn’t really pay much attention to it. It was neat seeing the #3 out there again but I’ve got a few other things on my plate during the race than to be out there worried about what else is going on.

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ME: Is Jimmie Johnson kind of a jerk?

JR:  Jimmie is the best. He’s one of the nicest guys in the garage. We had a pretty fun time goofing with each other this week so that’s always fun.

ME: What’d he say to you when he came up to congratulate you after the race?

JR: He just congratulated me, and said awesome job and that I deserved it.

ME: I saw you said something back, you didn’t just rub it in his face just this once?

JR: (laughs) No I probably should of though right? Jimmie has a few of these trophies, and a few of the other ones that we are trying to get so I’ll just kind of let Jimmie go about until I get a few more wins under my belt.

ME: When you lose. We can tell it really bums you out. You can see it on your face. But you won last night, we could tell you were genuinely pumped up about it. Where’d that come from?

JR: Yeah I think the reason is just because I know you can’t take these things for granted. I beat myself up a lot and I hate letting my team down. My guys, especially Steve. We’ve got an amazing team, and crew and I just want to win for these guys. It’s not fun knowing you have the best car out there or running well but things just happen and you can’t perform. It’s a lot of fun to win and you’ve just got to celebrate all of those like it might be your last.

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Race for the Chase: Jimmie Johnson // 1 Day ’til Daytona

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Jimmie Johnson — #48

  • Team: Hendrick Motorsports / Chevy
  • Wins In 2013: 6
  • Last Year Chase Result: Champion
  • Jimmie’s 2013 In A NutshellMajor League (1989)

Harry Doyle: Just a reminder, fans, about Die-Hard Night coming up here at the stadium. Free admission to anyone who was actually alive the last time the Indians won a pennant.

Why Jimmie Johnson will not win the chase in 2014:nscs_jimmie_johnson.png.main

So that quote about Jimmie’s 2013 season is there for a few reasons.

  1. It involves two of the best movies ever. Major League and Die Hard. But just the first Major League and the first Die Hard. Because let’s be honest the 2nd of both of those movies were unstoppably horrendous.
  2. Harry Doyle aka Bob Uecker is one of the only good things about baseball.
  3. There’s really absolutely positively no reason I can even try to think of that Jimmie Johnson will not win the Chase in 2014. Unless that whole Richard Petty, Danica will only win if all the drivers stay home thing comes to fruition. So I’m not really going to waste my time, and especially your time.

The main reason I picked that quote though was because how amazing would it be to hear Mike Joy say during the middle of a race halfway through the season when it looks like Jimmie has all but won his freaking 7th career championship..

Just a reminder, fans, about Need for Speed night coming up here at the track. Free admission to anyone who was actually alive the last time  Jimmie Johnson didn’t have a championship.

Why Jimmie Johnson will win the chase in 2014:

Let’s be honest. Jimmie Johnson is the greatest driver of this generation. Arguably, of all-time. (That’s for another day). I’m not too terribly excited about it either folks. I, like you, are tired of Jimmie Johnson winning. Sick and tired of it. Jeff Gordon. Tony Stewart. Kevin Harvick. A lot of drivers have got to be kicking themselves by the amount of Championships this guy has cost them. It’s annoying. And what’s worse? The man with the plan Chad Knaus is kind of a jerk. That’s putting it nicely. He pushes the rules to the limit. He sometimes cheats. He sometimes gets away with. He sometimes doesn’t. But he’s a competitor, and a genius for that matter. Maybe if Chad was with a driver, that driver would be racking up Championships like they were parking tickets. Oh and have you heard that Jimmie is an athlete. He runs 15 miles a day like it’s a walk in the park. He did the half marathon just last weekend. I know Donavan McNabb, we’re sick of it too. And maybe the worst part about Jimmie? He’s a nice freaking guy. He doesn’t (often) call out drivers. He doesn’t make to big of a fuss when he gets put into the wall. He just goes out there and does his job. And you know what?

1384733568003-Johnson5

This is EXACTLY why Jimmie is going to win again! He just goes out there, does his job, and gets shit done. He’s going to win because you don’t want him too. Everyone great athlete, (Yeah I said it Donavan) has to come up with new ways to motivate themselves. To keep the fire burning. And you know that’s exactly what Jimmie is doing with all of us who is sick and bloody tired of seeing him win. He’ll use that. Quietly. But he’ll use it. And yeah, we aren’t sure if Jimmie is even the most talented driver in NASCAR. But he knows something we don’t. And something almost 50 other guys, drivers, teams don’t know either. Like it or not folks, Jimmie will win again. And probably again. And again. And whether you want to crown him the best driver of all-time, or just his era. Don’t take it for granted. Because 15 years from now, we will all look back and say..

Need for Speed night?

No sorry, that’s not it. We will look back and say..

Holy shit. Remember that Jimmie Johnson guy? His run was one of the most amazing events in all of sports. Holy shit was he good.

That’s why, like it or not, Jimmie Johnson will be the last man standing in Miami.

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Race for the Chase: Matt Kenseth // 2 Days ’til Daytona

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Matt Kenseth — #20

  • Team: Joe Gibbs Racing / Toyota
  • Wins In 2013: 7
  • Last Year Chase Result: 2nd
  • Matt’s 2013 In A Nutshell: The Replacements (2000)

Jimmy McGinty: You know what separates the winners from the losers?

Shane Falco: The score?

Jimmy McGinty: No, getting back on the horse after getting kicked in the teeth.

Why Matt Kenseth will not win the chase in 2014:nscs_matt_kenseth.png.main

That pit stop in Phoenix was a kick to the teeth. Matt won 7 races last year. That’s one more than your 2013 Champion and 6-time Chase winner Jimmie Johnson had last year. Wait what? I looked around for this quote for a while, I swear it was in a movie. If not, it should have been. But when Matt was on. He was really on. And when he wasn’t on. He really sucked.

BONUS QUOTE!!!: Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (2006)

Ricky Bobby: If you ain’t first, you’re last.

Matt. You weren’t suppose to take Ricky seriously. That was a comedy movie! Basically Matt’s year looked like a really bad stock. Up and down up and down up and down up and down. That’s how stocks work right? Not sure. In 2013 if Matt wasn’t first. He was last. What happened to being consistent Matt?

Why Matt Kenseth will win the chase in 2014:

I believe that like Shane Falco, Matt Kenseth will be able to get back on the horse after a what almost felt like a very dominating regular season in 2013. Did you catch those duels last night? Joe Gibbs racing is looking pretty damn sharp heading into this season. They’ve always looked sharp. And Matt Kenseth has been virtually unstoppable since he’s arrived. The best part about Matt? You don’t hear from him much. He’s not going to get in a Twitter war or do a backflip off his car after a win or probably not punch a driver after the race. Don’t test him though. He goes out there and gets it done. That’s the reason why you knew about all his dominant wins last year, and may not of heard from him when he finished in 30th position. Which he did last year. A few times. 3 to be exact. And one 40th place finish. With a few handfuls of 20th or higher place finishes. Ouch. I mean that’s the reason why the guy didn’t win the whole shebang in 2013! Of course, accidents happen. Blown engines happen. Unfortunately, bad pit stops happen. But don’t expect to see much of that this year. There will be no more incidents in the pits like in Phoenix last year. You better believe those guys have been absolutely working harder and training harder than ever to get this guy that Chase trophy that NASCAR tried to make sure he wouldn’t get back after they changed the Chase rules, one of the first times, after his run in 2003. You know Matt is going to continue to win like he did last year. Shoot look at that Duel just last night. With more top 10’s and fewer mishaps putting him towards the back of the pack. How in the hell won’t this guy win in 2014?

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Race for the Chase: Kevin Harvick // 3 Days ’til Daytona

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Kevin Harvick — #4

  • Team: Stewart Haas Racing / Chevy
  • Wins In 2013: 4
  • Last Year Chase Result: 3rd
  • Kevin’s 2013 In A NutshellThe Pride of the Yankees (1942)

Lou Gehrig: Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth.

Why Kevin Harvick will not win the chase in 2014:nscs_kevin_harvick_budweiser.png.main

New team. New crew chief. No longer the top dog on his team. New crew chief. One of his best friend is his boss. Short temper. That about sums it up.

Why Kevin Harvick will win the chase in 2014:

Like Lou – no Kevin doesn’t have an extremely rare disease that will soon be named after him. Like Lou, Kevin will be considering himself the luckiest man on the face of the earth when he rolls off the line at Daytona. Why’s that? He’s no longer at RCR. He’s racing for his good pal Tony Stewart. I don’t think Kevin has any hatred towards Richard Childress, but it was pretty obviously that things weren’t working out there. Don’t get me wrong, things on the track were working out great. Kevin has finished 3rd in the Chase 3 times in the past 4 years. He had times was the best driver on the track. And at other times one of the biggest hot heads on the track. So things we working out at RCR for Kevin, but also were extremely irritating as seen by that awkward end of the year lecture he gave the bosses grand children. Now things are starting out fresh. And you know what? I think everyone, even in the Stewart Haas garage – are scared shitless. Harv is one of a few drivers who found a new home in 2014, but like most drivers, he wasn’t in the need of a new ride. A better team. A better crew chief. But he got one. He got all of the above. And who the hell knows what is going to happen! This is as good of a year as any for Happy to win it all. He’s been close in the past. In the very recent past. Now that he will indeed finally be Happy, the possibilities are endless the #29 — er, the #4 car. It’s going to take me a while to get use to seeing that. And now I have to buy a new hat. Damnit. Least he’s still got the Budweiser ride! And isn’t it going to look so pretty in Miami with that Chase trophy on top of it?

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Race for the Chase: Kyle Busch // 4 Days ’til Daytona

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Kyle Busch — #18

  • Team: Joe Gibbs Racing / Toyota
  • Wins In 2013: 4
  • Last Year Chase Result: 4th
  • Kyle’s 2013 In A Nutshell: Caddyshack (1980)

Carl Spackler: So we finish the 18th and he’s gonna stiff me. And I say, ‘Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know?’ And he says, ‘Oh, uh, there won’t be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.’ So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice.

Why Kyle Busch will not win the chase in 2014:nscs_kyle_busch.png.main

I’m not really sure what that quote has to do with Kyle’s last season. But it’s a great quote. Maybe one of my all-time favorite scenes in a movie. Oh. Kyle’s number is 18 and the Lama is talking about the 18th hole. Synchronicity. Oh maybe the Lama is Joe Gibbs, and Kyle, like Carl, is just asking for something, you know, for the effort? Eh. Oh so basically when the Lama tells Bill Murray that there will be no money (Championships), but when he dies (retires) he will receive total consciousness (relief knowing that he is/was one of the better most exciting drivers of his era). Nailed it.

Why Kyle Busch will win the chase in 2014:

Kyle Busch is due. Would you believe that Kyle has been around for almost 10 years now and hasn’t once finished a year ranking higher than 4th? Like I said, he is due. With 28 career Sprint Cup victories, 24 of those have come in the last 6 years. He had his best year ever last year with 4 wins, 16 top fives and 22 top tens. He is due. He is on the right track path. The reason Busch the younger will win this year is due to the fact that he (hopefully) has finally gotten his attitude in check. He’s really come a long way in the past few years, I mean between both him and his brother, you could have one hell of an anger management class. I think Kurt has settled down. And I think little brother Kyle sees that. And knows that he can’t be the wild boy, bully, loose cannon, reckless driver of the past and win a Championship. It just doesn’t happen unless your name is Dale Earnhardt. And it’s not. I’ve said it before, and maybe about a few other drivers, but Kyle included – he may be the most talented drivers on the track. The amount of times this guy saves the car from going into the wall, or Kevin Harvick or just getting loose and spinning out is amazing. He can drive the hell out of the car. And if he decides to keep it under control. He is going to get himself that long overdue Championship and we are going to see a hell of a lot of crazy good donuts in Miami.

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Race for the Chase: Dale Earnhardt Jr. // 5 Days til Daytona

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Dale Earnhardt Jr. — #88

  • Team: Hendrick Motorsports / Chevy
  • Wins In 2013: 0
  • Last Year Chase Result: 5th
  • Dale’s 2013 In A Nutshell: Slap Shot (1977)

    McGrath: Good crowd out there tonight, boys, let’s really try to win this one.

Why Dale Earnhardt Jr. will not win the chase in 2014:nscs_dale_earnhardtjr.png.main

Did you hear the 3 is back? Now it might not make much of a difference, but you can’t tell me that seeing the black 3 car pass you by, bump you, give you a quick little wave during a race won’t mess with your head just a little bit if your Dale Jr.? Just a little bit. I mean I’m just going to go with that, since it would be really quick and easy just to say.. Well he’s won one race since 2008. Which I will add to this argument. But seriously, the 3 is back too you guys? Oh and Dale has only won one race since 2008 – how the hell is he going to win the entire Chase? I mean I guess the good news is that him and Steve Letarte are really starting to find their groove. Wait. What’s that? Steve Letarte is leaving the garage to become an analyst after this year? Well that’s good. I’m sure that will help Dale this year.. Anyway.

Why Dale Earnhardt Jr. will win the chase in 2014:

According to my older cousin, who I don’t think has ever lied to me, our grandparent’s our turning 88 years old this year – so it’s the 88’s year to win it. Sounds good to me. And I wouldn’t put it past him. I mean holy shit NASCAR Jesus has to win sooner or later right? I’m going with sooner. Dale really had one heck of a year last year for not winning a single race. With 22 races inside the top 10 last year, 8 of those being when he most needed them, the Chase. Of those 8 races, freaking 5 of them were top 5 finishes, and 3 were big nasty, terrible 2nd place finishes. There’s nothing better/worse than seeing Dale finish 2nd. Mainly because you wanted him to win so bad. And secondly because he gets so emotional. That’s the better part. You can see it, during those interviews, the passion and intensity. Dale wants to win. He needs to win. He needs it for himself more than you want it. Those interviews are great, because you see real life passion. You see a grown ass man almost think he is on the brink of tears. Dale doesn’t like being NASCAR Jesus and not winning. Sure the popularity and money is great. But this guy knows that it means nothing without a Championship. He can’t be satisfied. He won’t be satisfied. No more what ifs, and woulda/coulda/shouldas. No more 2nd place interviews and no more living in Dad’s shadow. Seeing that 3 car back out there, is only going to motivate him more. It’s the year of 88’s!

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Race for the Chase: Tony Stewart // 6 Days ’til Daytona

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Tony Stewart — #14

  • Team: Stewart Haas Racing / Chevy
  • Wins In 2013: 1
  • Last Year Chase Result: N/A* — Broken Leg
  • Tony’s 2013 In A NutshellDays of Thunder (1990)

Harry Hogge: He didn’t slam into you, he didn’t bump you, he didn’t nudge you. He rubbed you. And rubbin’, son, is racin’.

Why Tony Stewart will not win the Chase in 2014:nscs_tony_stewart.png.main

Well the start to his season didn’t go as planned. After a year off due to a new Rascal sponsor.. Err – I mean a broken leg in Iowa. Sorry. Tony didn’t come out of the gates quite as he expected. That can’t feel good after missing the 2nd half of the season last year. Sitting around wishing, waiting, excited to get out back on the track and then going out and blowing a damn engine. And on top of that. Smoke is an owner. Not just the driver. When you are the driver, you probably don’t worry as much about a blown engine. But when you’re the owner. I’m sure you have a few phone calls to make right? I mean shoot. And it’s not like Smoke is the owner of just any team. He is the owner of what could be either most exciting team in all of NASCAR, or the most destructive team. That’s a lot of pressure Smoke. And the doctor’s don’t want you putting quite that much pressure on that leg just yet. (See what I did there?)

Why Tony Stewart will win the Chase in 2014:

Smoke said it himself. Blowing an the day of a race is one thing. But blowing your engine a week before during qualifying? Why would he worry about that? It’s a pretty good point. The main reason you absolutely have to include Smoke into the list of odds on favorites to win it all in 2014 – he is has to be one of the most competitive drivers in the sport. There’s no way he took kindly to watching the year go on without him, watching other drivers jump in his #14 Bass Pro Chevrolet and fail to even sniff a checkered flag. Smoke is going to come out like a bat out of hell, faster and more hungry than ever. Like Robert Duvall told Tom Cruise in Days of Thunder, “rubbin’, son, is racin’.” And who knows that better than Smoke? The main reason I believe Smoke is going to take it home this year is the fact that he is indeed the owner of his race team. His very talented race team. He cant be the hot head of past. Yes it won’t be as fun. But Smoke is not getting any younger, and the fact of the matter is – the crash in Iowa last year had to remind him that at any moment his career could be over. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think it will slow him down at all. It won’t Ricky Bobby scare him at all to get back in the car. And it sure won’t intimidate him when he’s chasing down Jimmie, or Kevin, or Kyle – whomever for the win. Uncle Tony has 3 championships under his belt. It sure would make him happy to catch up to Jeff Gordon. And you better believe he is sick and tired of hearing about ol’ 6 time. Bump. Nudge. Rub. Slam. Whatever it is, I’d had one eye on the road and the other in the rearview mirror looking for this guy once the green flag drops in Daytona.

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Race for the Chase: Jeff Gordon // 7 Days ’til Daytona

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Jeff Gordon — #24

  • Team: Hendrick Motorsports / Chevy
  • Wins In 2013: 1
  • Last Year Chase Result: 6th
  • Jeff’s 2013 In A Nutshell: The Best of Times (1986)

    Jack Dundee: You better watch it, Dr. Death. I’m pretty damn fast for a Caucasian.

Why Jeff Gordon will not win the chase in 2014:nscs_jeff_gordon.png.main

Jeff Gordon is 42 years old. Jeff Gordon is also the.. 4th wheel? (Pun Intended) 4th wheel on Hendricks Motorsports behind possibly the most talented youngan in NASCAR, the most popular driver in NASCAR, and arguably the greatest driver in all of NASCAR’s history. There’s no way Jeff can be getting the love, money, equipment, money and love that a Championship driver needs and deserves. Why do you think he had so many car “malfunctions” towards the end of the year last year? Once things started getting going, they magically came to a screeching halt. Weird. I’m not saying, but I’m basically saying.. the 1900’s are over Jeff. JUST BRING BACK THE RAINBOW WARRIORS CAR FOR ONE MORE RUN.

Why Jeff Gordon will win the chase in 2014:

I’ve been pretty rough on Jeffy my entire life. My brother loved him when were were growing up, so naturally, I despised him. A few years back we “accidentally” gave my Dad the wrong size Jeff Gordon shirt. It just so happened that it fit me like a glove. Now I wear my Jeff Gordon shirt what could be almost every other day but I will call it at least twice a week. I don’t know what the point of that story is, but it filled a few lines. I like Jeff now. I want to see him win. How could you not like this guy? Did you see the great Pepsi Max commercial? Listen, Jeff is old. We know that. But you know who else was old and won a Championship? Mr. Bobby Allison when he was 45. There’s absolutely still time for Jeff to win his 5th and final Championship! He said it this past week that he is ready for retirement – but not until he wins that 5th Championship. Like any other driver in NASCAR, he is a competitive guy, and there is no way it doesn’t just piss him right off seeing  Jimmie Johnson win Championship after Championship. Jeff still has it. I don’t think he ever lost it? He’s one of the greatest drivers of all-time. And I don’t think old age, new punk drivers or anyone else is going to keep him from winning one last Championship before he hangs it up.

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