Texas This Weekend // Best and Worst Paint Schemes


These guys and gal are back from their sunny vacations, and we don’t know who looks better – there glistening tans and bleach blond hair or these super fast machines we call cars. The answer, always. THESE CARS!

We are heading to Texas this weekend where everything is bigger and better! The one weekend out of the year where my car isn’t the best looking or worst looking in this great state and where I instantly becoming the 44th best driver in the state. The great ones always know when it is time to put a side their greatness.

As always, we pick our favorite drivers like girls pick which team is going to win the NCAA tournament. Their jerseys. And we get pretty amped up when the paint schemes come out. Because I like NASCAR. And I like Design. So when the two come together.. “Oh word?”



Kyle Larson will drive the No. 42 Axe White Label Chevrolet.

You’ve heard the old saying, “Always wear white after April Fool’s Day.”

Kyle Larson is BACK. And he has earned the top spot on this week’s paint preview simply because he took the initiative to film it – then post it on the internet. Don’t care who you are, (yes even you Carl Edwards) you do that and you’ve won me over.

It also doesn’t hurt that this car looks sharp. Some people would say that bringing a white car to a motor speedway is like wearing them white boat shoes to a mud wrestling match.

Kyle Larson says to them people – “You’re welcome.”

original-2Michael McDowell will drive the No. 95 Thrivent Financial Ford.

thats-high-praiseFor a split second I thought this was a Jeff Gordon car. Now that’s HIGH PRAISE!

But it’s not. Jeff. Gordon’s car. It is Mr. Michael McDowell’s No. 95 Thrivent Financial Ford brother and oh boy is that a sweet looking ride.

You normally don’t see such good looking cars/people/things with such a high jersey number that look so pretty. Here’s to you Mr. Michael McDowell – representing for the little guy. Err, big guy.

original-1Danica Patrick will drive the No. 10 Tax ACT / GoDaddy Chevrolet.

The half and half paint scheme is really working here. And not only because it has to. It actually does.

Danica Patrick basically strong armed convinced TaxACT with a dominate performance at Martinsville. How could they not stay on? Danica is having a pretty great year and other than the upwards of $750,000 it costs to sponsor one NASCAR race – TaxACT decided to go with the hood.

This car looks like an extremely well designed car put through the “NASCAR Thunder 2004” design feature. That’s a compliment I swear. Those things are hard.

I like it, and you should too. (Seriously Ricky just say you like it)



Jamie McMurray will drive the No. 1 McDonalds Chevrolet.

This is just lazy. It kind of looks like someone just figured out how to use the gradient tool in Illustrator. Just lazy.

I’m not messing around here and getting straight to the point.

What’s the deal McDonalds? You have all the money in the world. You have all the time to throw together that weird, patting yourselves on the pack, we care about America but we’re just not so sorry your kids are fat commercial. And then there is this?


But this isn’t about me..


original-4David Ragan will drive the No. 18 Interstate Batteries Toyota.

For those of you scratching your head – this is the Honorable Mention section, not The Worst Of The Worst. (Not even The Wurst of the Worst)

Reason being, way back when I judged this exact same paint scheme as “The Best of the Rest”. That was when I was young, immature and on a positive outlook on life binge. But as I see it again.. I scratch my head.

Call it, nostalgia. I will always love the No. 18 Interstate Batteries car until the day you die. You can thank Bobby Labonte, my all-time favorite NASCAR driver for that. So it is hard for me to knock this car, NO MATTER WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

That’s why it makes it to the Honorable Mention section. It is honorably not a great looking car. So I have to just mention that.

That is all.

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Read Gimme Five // NASCAR

#GimmeFive // NASCAR



As the world turns, by now you may have (or may not have) seen Jeff Gordon at the White House on “Live! With Regis and Kathie Lee” – and more importantly, asked one Dale Earnhardt Jr. to #GimmeFive.

In case you are still really confused, the #IceBucketChallenge #GimmeFive program is brought to you in part by FLOTUS and goes hand in hand with the “Let’s Move” program. If you are even more confused, read this.

So celebrities, non celebrities and everyone in between are challenging friends and loved ones to #GimmeFive.

While most of you know that the NASCAR community isn’t one to back down from a promotional campaign, you must know that once it hit the garages, it spread like wild fire.

That’s where I come in to catch you up to speed.. You’re Welcome.


Dale Jr. challenges Jimmie Johnson to #GimmeFive more race cars.


Jimmie Johnson challens Chad Knaus to #GimmeFive more Championships.

Chad Knaus challenegs NASCAR to #GimmeFive more horses.. of power.


NASCAR challeneges Hendrick Motorsports to #GimmeFive more races with Chase Elliott.

Hendrick Motorsports challenges Chase’s pit crew to #GimmeFive more pieces of tape on the right front.


Chase’s pit crew challenges Fox Sports One to #GimmeFive minutes of TV time.. On Fox.

Fox Sports One challenges Richard Petty to just #GimmeFive laps against Danica Patrick.


Richard Petty challenges Danica Patrick to #GimmeFive – oh wait, I’m the King.

Danica Patrick challenges Tony Stewart to #GimmeFive more years at Stewart Haas Racing. Please.


Tony Stewart challenges Kevin Harvick to #GimmeFive – oh wait I already got five.. make that ten.

Kevin Harvick challenges to Michael Waltrip to #GimmeFive times the effort you normally give next time you’re walking down pit road.

And Michael Waltrip just flat out asks Darrell Waltrip to #GimmeFive dollars.


Power Rankings Thus Far // With Help From The Fast and The Furious


It can’t be a coincidence that he weekend the 7th installment and the last(?) installment of The Fast and The Furious comes out that NASCAR takes a break right?

Oh wait yeah it’s Easter. (Happy Birthday Jesus). Well these guys may be taking the weekend off – but we sure aren’t! It’s been an exciting six races to start off this 2015 Sprint Cup Season, and now seems like a better time than ever rank these guys and gals up.

We’ve seen some guys dominate, and we’ve also seen some guys sit on the sidelines.

We’ve seen the first, second and bits and pieces of the fourth and fist Fast and Furious movies, and we’ve decided to act like Tokyo Drift never happened.

We’ve seen some historic Top 5 – nay, Top 2 finishes, and we’ve seen some historic..

You get the picture.

So this week I bring you, the best NASCAR drivers this 2015 Sprint Cup season thus far – with a little help from our the greatest movie franchise ever.. The Fast and The Furious.



2nd // 2nd // 1st // 1st // 2nd // 8th
-The Fast and The Furious (no. first)

Dom: “Let’s go for a little ride.”

Oh that little 8th place ride? Don’t worry about that little 8th place ride. You know you are having a good year with a damn fast car when an 8th place finish is a huge letdown.

1st // 4th // 10th // 8th // 7th // 3rd
-Fast and Furious 6 (no. sixth)

Roman: “Who’s got a plan B?”

Tej Parker: “Plan B? We need a plan C, D, E. We need more alphabets!”

Brian O’Conner: “Hey, we do what we do best. We improvise, all right?”

Joey had what could have been a disastrous spin which could have made for a disastrous day but he ended up showing us why if it wasn’t for Mr. Harvick this guy is all we would be talking about week after week.


41st // 9th // 7th // 6th // 1st // 2nd
-2 Fast 2 Furious (no. second)

Roman: “You’re not gonna do what I think you’re gonna do.”

Brian O’Conner: “Yeah, I think so.”

BAD BRAD! Isn’t so bad after all is he? Bad Brad didn’t do quite what we thought he was gonna do at the end of Martinsville. Maybe he’s tired of getting round housed after every race.

4th // 38th // 5th // 23rd // 28th // 1st
-The Fast and The Furious (no. first)

Dom: “You almost had me? You never had me – you never had your car… Granny shiftin’ not double clutchin’ like you should. … You almost had me? …  Ask any racer. Any real racer. It don’t matter if you win by an inch or a mile. Winning’s winning.”

There’s no doubt in my mind that Denny repeated this exact line to himself looking into the grandfather clock on his way to an advance screening of “Furious 7” after his win at Martinsville.


8th // 6th // 2nd // 7th // 8th // 6th
-2 Fast 2 Furious (no. second)

Brian O’Conner: “All right, let’s see what this thing can do.”

And there’s no doubt in my mind that Martin Truex Jr. says this line to himself before every race he starts right after a big shrug, sigh (not of relief) and a few Hail Mary’s.

5th // 1st // 41st // 11th // 9th // 35th
-Fast and Furious 6 (no. sixth)

Tej Parker: “You’re a millionaire and still asking for money?”

Roman: “That’s how you stay a millionaire.”

I’m pretty sure I’ve written about this of how and why Jimmie will win again, the whole she-bang, and hopefully(?) will win again soon(?). Shouldn’t he just be happy with the 6 Championships he has and be smiling from ear to ear? Why would he be freaking out to his crew chief about a bum car? Because the dude has the eye of the tiger. He wants to win. He has to win. That’s how you stay a millionaire. Or the possible greatest driver of all-time.


3rd // 3rd // 4th // 43rd // 6th // 36th
-Fast Five (no. fifth)

Zizi: “God Himself couldn’t get at your money if he wanted to.”

Reyes: “God isn’t my worry.”

Jr. has everything he could every want. Just look at him. He’s got a rundown beat up Rainbow Warrior car in his backyard! What more could you ask for? Cough. A Championship.

17th // 18th // 22nd // 21st // 18th // 5th
-2 Fast 2 Furious (no. second)

Roman: “Enjoyin’ the ride? Man, it’s a fast car, huh? Man, it’s a classic. Old school. American muscle. Man, this car can do all kinda things, man. Wanna see?”

I know one guy who isn’t looking forward to having Kyle Busch back in the 18 car. This guy. David has had a hell of a time subbing in for Kyle and with a top 5 finish under his belt, this dude has got to be as giddy as all get out.

— // — // — // 5th // 3rd // 14th
-The Fast and The Furious (no. first)

Dom: “I live my life a quarter mile at a time. Nothing else matters: not the mortgage, not the store, not my team and all their bullshit. For those ten seconds or less, I’m free.”

Too soon?


35th // 5th // 9th // 16th // 31st // 4th
-The Fast and The Furious (no. first)

Brian O’Conner: “I just need more time.”

FBI Officer: “If you want time, buy the magazine.”

There’s no way this is an actual conversation between Matt Kenseth and Mr. Joe Gibbs right?

38th // 10th // 3rd // 3rd // 5th // 27th
-Fast and Furious (no. fourth)

Agent Sophie Trinh: “So which car do you want?”

Brian O’Conner: “All of them.”

Newman has quietly been having a tremendous six races this year. Hell if he had any other car for that first one at Daytona and the last one at Martinsville – he’s mixing it up there with the big dogs.


33rd // 41st // 18th // 9th // 10th // 9th
-Fast and Furious 6 (no. sixth)

Dom: “You’ve got the best crew in the world standing right in front of you, give them a reason to stay.”

The swan song isn’t going quite according to plan. Jeff isn’t giving anyone a reason to stay, for multiple reasons. The funny part is that if it wasn’t for a rookie mistake speeding penalty – we’d be singing another tune because the Rainbow Warriors would still be partying in Martinsville.

9th // 14th // 17th // 4th // 17th // 11th
-The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift (no. third)

Drift King: “Do you know who I am, boy?”

Shawn Boswell: “You’re like the Justin Timberlake of Japan.”

Oh no Kasey you’re more than that. And you’ve actually been driving really good lately too!

Fast 5

25th // 13th // 12th // 14th // 4th // 23rd
-Fast Five (no. fifth)

Tego Leo: “When I win here, I’ll buy you a lifetime supply of antidepressants.”

Some of these quotes don’t really mean anything. They just made me laugh at 3:00am after a couple of Budweisers. Paul is not depressed. But someone should tell his face that.

23rd // 12th // 42nd // 13th // 13th // 17th
-The Fast and The Furious (no. first)

Brian O’Conner: “Man, you know this is bullshit!”

Dom: “You work for Harry, right?”

Brian O’Conner: “Yeah, I just started.”

Dom: “You were just fired.”

Speaking of quotes that don’t mean anything! P.S. Harry is Joe Gibbs.


21st // 16th // 27th // 26th // 19th // 7th
-Fast Five (no. fifth)

Gisele: “You don’t need to send a man to do a woman’s job.”


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Martinsville This Week // Best and Worst Paint Schemes



Get a good look at these cars now – because we are going short track racing, they’ll be covered in black and white by the end of the race. And solving race relations in the process. (In this economy?) YOU GOTTA!

NASCAR heads East to Martinsville! Where the sun always shines and the weather is a constant 76°! Where you can surf in the morning and ski at night!

Oh wait, sorry – that last bit was the intro for my NASCAR heads West column.



Tony Stewart will drive the No. 14 Code 3 Associates/Mobil 1 Chevrolet.


elliotChase Elliott will drive the No. 25 NAPA Auto Parts Chevrolet.

NAPA does know how! Knows how to paint the side and presumably the hood, bumper and rest of their car!

Did you know that if you say “Knows How” three times Michael Keaton Waltrip will show up at your house and help you scare your parents out of your home?

But that’s neither here nor there.

This is a sweet looking ride. Primary colors. Sharp, clean diagonal lines. That could be some abstract representation of fire coming out of the side of the car. Fast and Furious style (opening everywhere this week).

NAPA may not know how to make commercials, depending on who you ask – NOT THIS GUY, but they certainly know how to paint a car.



Paul Menard will drive the No. 27 Pittsburgh Paints/Menards Chevrolet.

nscs_paul_menard_456x362.png.mainPaul how do you feel about the paint/paint that your car will be wearing this weekend at Martinsville?

Oh yeah, alright man that’s cool you don’t have to yell.

It’s really not that bad. I mean it’s not good but trust me I’ve seen worse. Listen I don’t even why I put it on this list.

Oh wait yeah I do.. Paul PLEEEEASSEEEEEE!!!


Gray Gaulding will drive the No. 7 Krispy Kreme Toyota.

I hate to do this to Gray because I absolutely love hate Krispy Kreme Donuts.



Justin Boston will drive the No. 54 ZLOOP Toyota.

C’mon man.

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Power Rankings After Phoenix // With Help From The Ruthless


harvick_shreds_phoenixWe could save you some time and stop the power rankings after #1 am I right? I mean is anyone even close to Harvick right now? This is just straight up ridiculous. Luckily I have the formula to Happy’s dominance and the reasons why he continues to dominant. 

Again. Straight up out of control!

But because I have nothing better to do and love digging through numerous upon numerous quotes from great classic movies – I figured what the hell. What’s 15 more!?

Due to the fact that Harvick is on such an unbelievable run of pure dominance. I looked to films with strong role models male characters who will stop at nothing to get their job done. Unfortunately these characters in these movies, like Mr. Javier Bardem in “No Country For Old Men” are murderers and just straight up bad people kids.

Bad people or not, I once again found movies with top dogs, dominators, ruthless, professional professionals that like T.I himself – all they do is win.

So this week I bring you, the best NASCAR drivers this 2015 Sprint Cup season thus far – with a little help from our friends, those ruthless bastards.. in movies.


1st at Las Vegas / 1st at Phoenix

Little Bill Daggett: “Well, sir, you are a cowardly son of a bitch! You just shot an unarmed man!”
Will Munny: “Well, he should have armed himself.”

It sure does seem like Kevin Harvick has gone to a gun fight, but he’s the only one armed lately doesn’t it?

10th at Las Vegas / 8th at Phoenix
-No Country For Old Men

Managerial Victim: “Mind riding bitch?”

Joey is having one heck of a year. Just so happens Mr. Happy is having one historic year.

2nd at Las Vegas / 7th at Phoenix
-No Country For Old Men

Man who hires Wells: “Just how dangerous is he?”
Carson Wells: “Compared to what? The bubonic plague?”

We don’t really know how dangerous Martin is!? But he has proven that he shouldn’t be taken lightly anymore.


41st at Las Vegas / 11th at Phoenix
-True Blood

Rambo: “I could have killed ’em all, I could’ve killed you. In town you’re the law, out here it’s me. Don’t push it! Don’t push it or I’ll give you a war you won’t believe. Let it go. Let it go!”

Chad Knaus may be the Greg Poppovich of NASCAR. Rest’em until the playoffs – then start trying. No way right?

3rd at Las Vegas / 3rd at Phoenix

Saint Clair: “Please understand… it was all business. It wasn’t personal.”
Bryan: “It was all personal to me.”

Ryan Newman is a no non-sense, all business dude. And he continues to just get it done.

17th at Las Vegas / 4th at Phoenix

Kim: “You don’t have to worry.
Bryan: “That’s like telling water not to be wet, sweetie.

Maybe it’s just me, but if I was 4th string on a team like Kasey is I’d be worried a lot too. Been running better and better, maybe he’s stopped worrying.


4th at Las Vegas / 43rd at Phoenix
-No Country For Old Men

Poolside Woman: “Oh… that’s who you keep looking out the window for?”
Llewelyn Moss: “Half…”
Poolside Woman: “What else then…?”
Llewelyn Moss: “Just looking for what’s coming…”
Poolside Woman: “Yeah… But no one ever sees that coming…”

One race it seems like he’s going to win it all. The next, we’re left scratching our heads. You never know with this guy.

7th at Las Vegas / 6th at Phoenix
-True Blood

Deputy Mitch: “How blind are you? Can’t you see this guy’s crazy?”
Deputy Sergeant Arthur Gault: “Can’t you see I don’t give a shit?”

Same ol’ Bad Brad. Once he starts rolling and keeps not giving a shit – look out.

9th at Las Vegas / 16th at Phoenix
-No Country For Old Men

Ed Tom Bell: “How many of those things you got now?”
Ellis: “Cats? Several. Well, depends what you mean by got. Some are half-wild, and some are just outlaws.”

Cats = wins?


6th at Las Vegas / 17th at Phoenix
-Taxi Driver

Travis Bickle: “Twelve hours of work and I still can’t sleep. Damn. Days go on and on. They don’t end.”

I swear that was intended to be a shot at The Dinger. Just that he’s putting in a lot of work and not seeing much reward!

5th at Las Vegas / 23rd at Phoenix
-Taxi Driver

Travis Bickle: “Shit… I’m waiting for the sun to shine.”

Will the sun ever shine again for Denny?

25th at Las Vegas / 20th at Phoenix
-Taxi Driver

Travis Bickle: “Now I see this clearly. My whole life is pointed in one direction. There never has been a choice for me.”

Love seeing Casey Mears do well. Now is his time to shine. Like a few other drivers, hope the recent success of good finishes is a confident boost.


22nd at Las Vegas / 21st at Phoenix
-Taxi Driver

Personnel Officer: “How’s your driving record? Clean?”
Travis Bickle: “It’s clean, real clean. Like my conscience.”

Been a pretty clean start to the year thus far taking over for Mr. Busch. How long will his driving record stay clean?

8th at Las Vegas / 10th at Phoenix

Will Munny: “Wanna help me count this, kid?”
The Schofield Kid: “I trust you.”
Will Munny: “Don’t go trusting me too much.”

Any day now he’s going to flip the switch, and he’s going to be a stone cold killer. Don’t go trusting his kid too much.

12th at Las Vegas / 14th at Phoenix
-No Country For Old Men

Anton Chigurh: “Step out of your car, please.”

For some reason I don’t think Paul responds well to please.


21st at Las Vegas / 24th at Phoenix
-True Blood

Teasle: “Goddammit, what the hell do you think this is? Some kind of a circus?”

Maybe it is?



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If You Aint First You’re Second



Published: March 10th, 2015

Kevin Harvick has had a pretty good last dozen races. But let’s not go back to last year where he won his first championship. Let’s go back to the start of this year. Where he’s done nothing but place in the Top 2 every race.

2nd at Daytona.

2nd at Atlanta.

1st at Las Vegas.*


1st at Phoenix.

2nd at Fontana.

*And did I mention we are heading to Phoenix this weekend where he’s won 4 of the last 5 races?

I really think that only means one thing. Kevin Harvick will place in the Top 2 for every race the rest of this year and here are FOUR REASON WHY.

1. He’s on pace to finish 1.666666667th.

Let’s just call it 1st or 2nd. Someone told this guy that if you ain’t first your last (Ricky Bobby’s father), and Kevin said to hell with that. If you ain’t first your second.

I use to always laugh when in the 4th game of the year Sammy Sosa would have hit 5 home runs and someone would have to say, “Well Bob you know that puts Sammy on pace for 202 home runs this year.”

Shut up Bob, and Bob’s co-host, a young me would alway say.

Well not anymore! I’m a lot older, wiser, unfortunately not taller than I was when I was 13 – but I’m buying it this time Bob. A pace is a pace, and like that silly show on ESPN.. Numbers never lie!

Don’t forget to spay and neuter your pets.

2. He’s been keeping it 100.

Do you follow this guy on social media? Every since he’s won that 2014 Sprint Cup Championship he’s been having so much freaking fun and he’s so freaking happy. And Happy is his nickname! He’s taking it to a whole new level!

For example: Mini Golf

Exhibit B: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

And number 3: Big Wheels

See. Keeping it 100. He’s happy and having fun. And did I mention he is happy?

3. Hear me out – 2 + 2 x 1 = 4.

I’ve seen that Jim Carrey non-comedy. It’s called “The Number 23” to be exact.

In it Jim, becomes obsessed with the number 23, Michael Jordan and the Smokin’ Joes car back at Fontana in 1997.


I made up only one of those things I swear. Now let’s use Jim’s theory from the based on a true story tale to prove our theory.

2 + 2 x 1 = 4

2 + 2 = 4

1 + 2 + 1 = 4

1 + 1 + 1 + 1 = 4

That’s 4 ways to get to 4 only using 1’s and 2’s. You guys I know you’ll find this hard to believe but this was a bullshit theory until I just pulled this out of my ass and scared myself. I’m so right. This is nuts!

Wait how does “The Number 23” end? It was a happy ending right? Oh boy.

4. He’s the best driver right now.

Right now. Like today. Now. (March 2015 between the 3rd and 4th race of the year in case you are reading this in the smithsonian in the near distant future).

Joey is fast, damn fast. But Joey is young.

Jimmie is the GOAT. But Jimmie has found a bad batch of Lucky Charms.

Jeff wants to go out on top, this is his swan song. But Jeff is an amazing driver on what is probably the most amazing team of drivers ever assembled.

Denny, Carl, Kyle (but which one?!), Greg, Ryan, Bad Brad, Easy B and DJ Craze don’t have names that start with the letter J. But that’s okay we like them anyway.


Kevin is damn fast. He had his run of bad luck last year and he still won last year! And the pressure is there, but he’s in a win-win situation.

If he wins this year he wins. If he loses this year, he wins. Yes my editors were confused too. Who wins back to back? Freak of natures like Jimmie do. No one is suppose to. Harv is playing with house money and his banker, Mr. Rodney Childers is one of the best in the business.

What does Harv have to lose this year? He’s fast and he’s not suppose to win. So why not spend most of the summer in victory lane?

Or the other place drivers go who don’t go to victory lane but still finish top 2 go.

Hey I promised first OR second remember?

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Las Vegas This Week // Best and Worst Paint Schemes



Too much of the filth you see on the internet is negative. Don’t get me wrong I am no hero, but one thing I can do – NOTHING BUT THE BEST OF THE WEEKEND! That’s right, no worsts. If you are looking for worsts go check out your local German Sausage Haus. #NailedIt

This we are are in Las Vegas. But you know that, because you read my amazing Power Rankings rundown with the help of our friends – heist films. If there’s anything I know about Las Vegas, I’ve heard it from my parents. And what I’ve heard is that it is all flash! Look at the hauler parade they just had the other day, shutting down the strip just to show off 40 some 18-wheelers. That’s ba son. That’s NASCAR in Sin City. “How about that ride in?”

So if the haulers are all flash, the cars gotta be too right? Let’s just say yes. After we get this no-fun, politically correct, not being negative article I will tell you how I really feel about the cars designs this season..


They’re AWESOME! Wink. Wink.

As always, we pick our favorite drivers like girls pick which team is going to win the NCAA tournament. Jersey colors. But because these guys and Danica don’t really wear jerseys, we pick em by their cars. And we get pretty amped up when the paint schemes come out. Because I like NASCAR. And I like Design. So when the two come together.. “Oh word?”

So if you can’t win, you might as well look good!



Jimmie Johnson will drive the No. 48 Kobalt Tools Chevrolet

Who says NASCAR isn’t in touch with the sophisticated/art loving/modern bigger world of today? This car reminds me of a beautiful minimalistic series that one might find at MoMa or at La Louvre. Did I just compare Jimmie Johnson’s car to the Mona Lisa? No. But one day, when the French discover NASCAR – again – you never know where a stock car might end up.

I like this car because like JJ, it’s all business. He just came off an impressive win in Atlanta, coming off a less than impressive 2014 year. Jimmie doesn’t need any bells or whistles to remind you who he is or what he’s done. (Won 6 Championships). Just give him something fresh and clean that may also resemble his sponsor this week and he will put that thing in La Louvre. Or at least victory lane.

Kasey Kahne will drive the No. 5 Time Warner Cable Chevrolet

You guys Hendrick Motorsports just gets it right. It is definitely why they have won 15 championships since 1995. It is absolutely why they own every engine you see powering these stock cars around them ovals. And it is emphatically why they made it in to this best of the best preview for Las Vegas – twice, back to back. Emphatically. THE PAINT. They just get it you guys. What is it? It is the paint. Nothing to crazy, nothing in your face (talking to you Bug-B-Gon). Looks clean, sleek, modern, fast, and clean and nice.

It’s not to hard to be positive still. I promise. This is easy. I mean just ask Kasey Kahne. (Oh boy).



Joey Logano will drive the No. 22 Penzoil Ford

Joey Logano’s car may not be the greatest looking from a design standpoint. But who am I to judge? I just recently put a left shark on a wrestling mat to promote one of the biggest duals of the year. Yeah. I did that.

Irregardless of good/bad design. This car is dope. I have to give Joey some DAP for this car since I gave the young and talented Kyle Larson all that love for his battery inspired car last week.

Joey. You are fast. You are furious. (I hate myself for that). You are driving perhaps the weirdest car of the weekend. And for that I applaud you.


Erik Jones will drive the No. 20 Interstate Batteries Toyota

Wait scratch that Joey.

IMG_0598This car is weird. And I love it. This one is near and dear to my heart. My favorite driver of all-time is Bobby Labonte. I have an amazing Bobby Labonte Interstate Batteries hat that I wore to my first ever Nationwide (RIP. Too soon?) Race and heard not my first ever curse words because everyone thought it was a Kyle Busch hat. I loved it.

I love this design. It is different. It is catches your eye. I’m sure once it hits top speed this weekend in Vegas it will look like a some James Cameron type Avatar – wait for it, AVACAR! This thing is sweet. It is no Hendrick Motorsports (well not fully – engine guys), but if you can’t beat ’em, out paint ’em.



Carl Edwards will drive the No. 19 Comcast Business Toyota

Carl Edwards just wanted to remind people that he still has speed – I guess. The honorable mention has been a fun time honoring and dishonoring (not today!) people for a myriad of ideas they have. Whether it is mounting the tarantula from “Home Alone” on the front of your car or writing out “Drive Safe You Guys At The End Of The Day Safety Is First, Teamwork Is Second – Well More Like 1B, We Want Everyone To Get Home For Supper Tonight” on the side of your car. (It was a small font).

This message is spot on. This car, Ripley’s Believe It Or Not is “Built For Speed” ladies and gentleman. Just the message you want to send as you roll up to the start line. Next time just don’t forget to credit your source.*

*Hendrick Motorsports.

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Power Rankings Thus Far // With Help From Heist Films



So to save you the trouble of reading some guy’s power rankings every week – I’m going to spare you this season, and me. Every two weeks and you get your annual “Power Rankings with A Little Help From Our Friend”s column by me.

Now one of the reasons because I thought it would be a lot harder to come up with themes – boy was I wrong.

After writing half of what I may personally describe as a mind blowing blog post about a fantastic movie and how it tied into this crazy NASCAR season thus far I had a what could only be described as a mind blowing thought.

Travis Kvapil’s car just got stolen. We are going to Las Vegas this week. Ocean’s 11, 12, 13 and 14 (Rumored) – WE HAVE TO DO HEIST MOVIES!


Don’t worry – this mind blowing column/article/dribble that has already been written will see the light of day, some day, because don’t you worry I don’t always have epiphany’s and stellar ideas. Just ask my girlfriend – amirite?! (See that joke. Oh boy).

So this week I bring you, the best NASCAR drivers this 2015 Sprint Cup season thus far – with a little help from our friends, great American heist movies.

1st at Daytona / 4th at Atlanta
–The Usual Suspects

Strausz: “Do you guys know who the fuck I am? Do you know who the fuck I am?”
Hockney: “We do now, jerk-off.”

We knew who Joey was after last year’s Chase. Not we certainly know who this little guy is.

2nd at Daytona / 2nd at Atlanta
–The Town

Doug MacRay: “I need your help. I can’t tell you what it is, you can never ask me about it later, and we’re gonna hurt some people.”
James Coughlin: “…Whose car are we gonna’ take?”

Doesn’t matter where Harv is this year or what car he’s driving, he captured that Championship and doesn’t want to/won’t let go.


5th at Daytona / 1st at Atlanta
–The Town

Claire Keesey: “Did you say your name was Jim or Gem?”
James Coughlin: “Well, huh, it’s kinda both. The teacher’s use to always say, ‘Here take this one. He’s a gem.'”

This was too easy and too good to pass up. But seriously, this guy is a gem isn’t he? Never misses a beat.

3rd at Daytona / 3rd at Atlanta
–The Usual Suspects

McManus: “There’s nothing that can’t be done.”

Fenster: “Can you hear me in the back? Hello?”

Sure has been running pretty far up front this year – new crew chief and all. Don’t see him slowing down anytime soon.

33rd at Daytona / 41st at Atlanta
–Reservoir Dogs

Mr. Pink: “I don’t wanna kill anybody. But if I gotta get out that door, and you’re standing in my way, one way or the other, you’re gettin’ outta my way.”

33rd and 41st is not good, clearly. But it won’t last long, and if it does – this guy is going to see red. What are you going to do, fire him?

35th at Daytona // 5th at Atlanta
–The Town

Doug MacRay: “No matter how much you change, you still have to pay the price for the things you’ve done. So I got a long road. But I know I’ll see you again – this side or the other.”

He will see that Championship again. But maybe not this year..



8th at Daytona // 6th at Atlanta
–Inside Man

Madeliene White: “Well detective, there are matters at stake here that are a little bit above your pay grade. No offense.”
Keith Frazier: “Well, why don’t you just tell the mayor to raise my pay grade to the proper level, and problem solved.”

Pretty sure I predicted this before the season started. He’s too good to be tamed, even if it is in inferior equipment.

4th at Daytona // 38th at Atlanta
–Ocean’s 11

Turk Malloy: “I’m gonna get out of the car and drop you like third period French.”

Be careful Danica. Joey. Whomever it may be. There’s a handful of guys this year that seem on edge – Denny may be one of em.

9th at Daytona // 14th at Atlanta
–Inside Man

Madeliene White: “The sooner you STOP being my problem and START being my solution the better off you’ll be.”

There’s no way that this is an actual quote from Rick Hendrick to Kasey right? He’s quietly having a good year.

15th at Daytona // 11th at Atlanta
–Italian Job

Steve: “You blew the best thing you had going for you. You blew the element of surprise.”

Aric made the Chase last year. And he’s off to a hell of a start this year. No one will be surprised to see him race up front.


41st at Daytona // 9th at Atlanta
–Italian Job

Steve: “Still don’t trust me?”
Stella: “I trust everyone. It’s the devil inside them I don’t trust.”

Wonder who (nobody) how there (everywhere) will take any crap (bumper cars) from Brad this year. HE HAS A LOT OF FRIENDS. (No he doesn’t).

7th at Daytona // 24th at Atlanta
–The Town

James Coughlin: “If we get jammed up, we’re holding court on the street.”

I just feel like Clint drives around thinking this the whole damn time he’s driving. Or wish.

38th at Daytona // 10th at Atlanta
–Reservoir Dogs

Joe: “Let’s go to work.”

Ryan Newman is to NASCAR what Bill Belichek is to interviews – strictly business. Both, are good at their business.

23rd at Daytona // 12th at Atlanta
–Ocean’s 11

Danny: “Thirteen million and you drive this piece of shit cross country to pick me up?
Rusty: Blew it all on the suit.”

Rightfully so, it’s been a transition to his new team. Hope the hype wasn’t the suit, in this, unreal, completely random scenario.


16th at Daytona // 17th at Atlanta
17th at Daytona // 18th at Atlanta
–Reservoir Dogs

Mr. Blonde: “Was that as good for you as it was for me?”

For stepping into two completely different, new cars for the Busch brothers just days before the start of the season – they should be completely ecstatic with their first two weeks.

Can’t wait to see how the rest of the season pans out for these two.

Atlanta This Week // Best and Worst Paint Schemes


Screen Shot 2015-02-28 at 11.59.32 AM

ATL! The dirty south. Daytona is in the books and the season is rolling right along and if you thought things were weird last year – you better be ready to get more weird, part two this 2015.

Definitely my favorite looking car of the year thus far won’t be racing this weekend. Thanks to those ATLiens who STOLE Travis Kvapil’s #44 Chevy right out of the back of Team XTreme’s hauler just outside of Atlanta Motorspeedway this weekend. Wait, what? Yes. That happened.

Luckily Mr. Kvapil’s car has been found, but not in time to make qualifying, so he won’t be competing. But don’t you worry – Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum have been called in to make sure no more cars will be “stolen” this weekend.

As always, we pick our favorite drivers like girls pick which team is going to win the NCAA tournament. Jersey colors. But because these guys and Danica don’t really wear jerseys, we pick em by their cars. And we get pretty amped up when the paint schemes come out. Because I like NASCAR. And I like Design. So when the two come together.. “Oh word?”

So if you can’t win, you might as well look good!


originalKyle Larson will drive the No. 42 Energizer Chevrolet.

I don’t know what it is about the No. 42 Energizer, but it gets me, what’s the word I am looking for.. Energized? Simple and sleek. Very nice of Energizer (The NEW Energizer Eco Advanced) to allow Kyle’s other sponsor to be a key component but not be to overwhelming with what can only be described as the “logo repeat all over” method at the bottom of the car. Love Kyle. Love the energy. Love the car.


Jeff Gordon will drive the No. 24 3M Chevrolet.

I don’t know what has gotten into me, but every since Jeff Gordon has announced this “lame duck(?)” or “fame duck” season – I’ve been getting all sentimental towards the guy. I use to despise Jeff Gordon and the Rainbow Warriors. No body is going over the top this year design wise, but hey it’s still early.

This is a very nice and clean looking car. Love the lines and colors compliment each other perfectly. It says I’m sophisticated, but I’m here to party.

JeffGordon2012Dupont---Fantasy.jpg.w300h197Listen Jeff, I don’t know what you did to get me to put you on the best list here. But if I don’t see at least one old school, Dupont style, Rainbow Warrior car this year with you rocking I don’t care if it is a fake mustache – you won’t see yourself back on this list. At least a T-Rex man! C’mon the people are yearning for it.



Joe Nemechek will drive the No. 34 CSX-Play It Safe Ford.

Design wise. This isn’t terrible. Listen guys if you want to come help me teach my Van Gogh for kids class we can do primary colors all day long. But this isn’t about design. This is about making a statement.

“Play It Safe”? Play it freaking safe? Is that the message you want to give to your opponents as you hear some character actor who’s show on Fox will be cancelled in three weeks say fire up those engines? NO. Not at all. Not even if there is a fire!

Play it freaking safe – give me a break. Listen this may be too soon coming off Kyle Busch’s terrible crash/injury and last year Atlanta’s cat/squirrel incident. But play it freaking safe is not the message I want to send. Let’s at least bump it up to “Play It As If It’s a Long Yellow Light”. Live on the edge ladies and germs.



Matt Kenseth will drive the No. 20 Resers Toyota.

I’m torn here. Not Rip. I’m torn because last we I was clamoring for a giant drumstick on the side of the KFC car. And I was bewildered by the larger than life tarantula from Home Alone on the side of Biff’s car.

This week I get a giant bowl of Potato Salad? Excuse me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for a good bowl of tater salad, and I’m also a superstitious guy – I’ll wear flip flops in the snow to try and bring summer faster. I just don’t know anymore.

A great attempt at a great car. Just hoping next week we don’t see a five foot tall tampon on the side of the No. 1 Tampax car. And if we do, you can call me Rip Torn.

Daytona 500 This Week // Best and Worst Paint Schemes



It’s the Daytona 500 baby! Time to let it shine! It’s like the first dance of the year. Your bring out your new suit, shine those shoes all pretty and let everyone know – you are here, and you mean business. It’s the 500, which means only one Hendrick car can win. So if you can’t win, you might as well look good!

Either way, once again – we pick our favorite drivers like girls pick which team is going to win the NCAA tournament. Jersey colors. But because these guys and Danica don’t really wear jerseys, we pick em by their cars. And we get pretty amped up when the paint schemes come out. Because I like NASCAR. And I like Design. So when the two come together.. “Oh word?”



original-3Justin Marks will drive the No. 29 American Born Moonshine Toyota.

This bad boy won’t catch your eye as it slides around the track at 200mph on Sunday. But once it hits the wall, gets up on the hauler and taken back to the garage – once that happens and you get a nice good look at it. You’ll know why  it’s the best. For starters, there weren’t a lot great cars to pick from. It’s kind of like picking the best show on NBC, hard to do. But it gets that top spot for me for one simple word on the side, “Moonshine”.

This car is the connection between the 2015 technology soaked NASCAR that is today back to the old school. Back to the roots of NASCAR. If you have a minute, read this great article on the lore that birthed NASCAR.

If you only have a second, I’ll tell you right now – NASCAR started by those good ol’ boys bootlegging that sweet, sweet nectar of the south called moonshine, running from the law, driving it like they stole it.

Enough of a reason for me to give it the best dressed award for this weekend at Daytona.


AJ Allmendinger will drive the No. 47 Kroger/USO Chevrolet.

America. Honoring Our Heroes. Take note teams/drivers/designers of NASCAR paint schemes. It doesn’t take much to please this broadcaster – America.

There’s an awful lack of creativity this weekend for the first race of 2015, but if you ask any great designer what to do when you are struggling for a spark of creativity – throw an American flag on that piece!

AJ and team, you are the “Community” of the NBC lineup, coming in second to “Parks and Recreation” but only because you were going up against a bunch of shows like “The Michael J. Fox Show”.

At least nothing bad ever happened to “Community”.




David Ragan will drive the No. 34 Kentucky Fried Chicken Ford.

How is the Colonel’s huge face not on here?! KFC, you’ve got to have some creativity here. You have assed an American flag, which would have easily won you the week as we all know my love for America and should know about my love for KFC’s Loaded Potato Bowl.

I know I can’t see the hood of this car, but if there isn’t at least a drumstick on there, you are setting your selves up for a long year of scrutiny and have lost one young, cheap, chicken loving customer.



Greg Biffle will drive the No. 16 Ortho Ford.

Biff. To be honest with you (not quoting Charles Barkley here) – I had a hard time deciphering if you should be the best, or the worst painted car of the weekend. There’s a lack of American spirit which left you off the best list, but you put in about 110% more effort than the KFC car so you can’t be the worst.

I like the effort. I love the effort. I am not scared of bugs but may be after Sunday. You’ve set back the woman demographic NASCAR as longed to gain but if I ever see a 200lb tarantula in my apartment I will know who to call – after the Ghostbusters.


NASCAR 2015 // How They’ll End Up – with #SNL40



As I light a few candles, turn on the Budweiser Duels and crack open a beer I think about this 2015 Sprint Cup Season and what could happen, what I want to happen and more realistically what should happen this year.

The year 2014 was amazing for NASCAR. I was pretty pumped up too as my favorite driver Kevin Harvick won the championship, but NASCAR couldn’t have written much better of a year after implementing yet another new Chase format.

To be honest with you (thanks Charles Barkley), I haven’t thought much about NASCAR since Homestead. I mean my brother gave me a sweet Harvick Championship T-Shirt for Christmas was great but other than that it hasn’t crossed my mind much.

But as soon as I heard my girlfriend tell me she was heading out with a few friends and that the Duels were on Fox Sports One tonight – I got giddy.

So I thought to myself I have to write something. I mean I only have a couple of days before the biggest and bestest race in motorsports kicks off the 2015 season. Which I also knew meant a few things.

1) I have to predict how they’ll finish.

2) I have to compare the drivers to something/someone.

Because SNL40 just happened less than a week ago, and I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it was and because I’ve used just about every Nic Cage quote there is already – I figured I would compare each driver to an SNL cast member.

I’ve got two rules though.

1) I’m only comparing them to cast members who to this day, are still alive. Otherwise it could get – weird. So when you don’t see John Belushi, Chris Farley, Phil Hartman.. You’ll know why.

2) I’m only comparing them to men. Mainly because I may meet these guys one day and I’m assuming after looking at my numbers that millions of people are going to read this. I don’t need Denny Hamlin mad at me for comparing him to Rachel Dratch. And it could get weird. So when you don’t see Kristen Wiig, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler.. You better know why.

So here it is, my 2nd Annual how will this finish and my 1st Annual comparing NASCAR drivers to SNL cast members list.




16. TONY STEWART – #14 Bass Pro Shops Chevrolet
Finish In Last Year’s Chase: N/A
Saturday Night Live Cast Member: Chevy Chase

Why Chevy Chase?: This is kind of mean. And not how I wanted to start this. But it makes sense right? I’m not focusing on the SNL career as much as the entire career arc – but the comparisons are there. At one time arguably the greatest there was and now, well unfortunately sad. You know the greatest is still there but who knows if we will see it again.

Why 16th Place?: I still think the greatest is there. Tony Stewart on a bad day is better than half the field. He’ll win again – at least once.

15. MARTIN TRUEX JR. – #78 Furniture Row Chevrolet
Finish In Last Year’s Chase: N/A
Saturday Night Live Cast Member: Jason Sudeikis

Why Jason Sudeikis?: For me, Sudeikis is one of the GOATs. That is a little strong but the dude crushed, on a cast that was loaded. You had Hader, Armisen, Samberg, Myers, Wiig – loaded. And Sudeikis. If it was any other year (the late 70’s?) he would be the guy. Martin could be the guy. But he’s racing in a decade full of Hader’s, Armisen’s, Samberg’s, Myers’ and one Wiig. See what I did there?

Why 15th Place?: Martin is a freaking great driver. He’s not on a great freaking team. He’s on a great team, but his team just can’t compete at the top.

14. CLINT BOWYER – #15 Five Hour Energy Toyota
Finish In Last Year’s Chase: N/A
Saturday Night Live Cast Member: Norm Macdonald

Why Norm Macdonald?: You never know what either of them are going to say. Ever. Also both very underrated and you really never know what either of them are going to say.

Why 14th Place?: We saw some wild cards get in last year. Why not Clint? That’s what I am suppose to tell you, shit. Well, uh – why not Clint?


13. KYLE LARSON – #42 Target Chevrolet
Finish In Last Year’s Chase: N/A
Saturday Night Live Cast Member: Pete Davidson

Why Pete Davidson?: I wish I had the balls to put Eddie Murphy. Might be just a little premature for that though. How about Pete Davidson though? A real young guy with all the talent in the world. With SNL in a(nother) transition year, Pete could become the guy. Eddie did it. Pete could do it too. While NASCAR isn’t exactly in a transition year, some of these old farts will be pulling a Jeff Gordon sooner or later and Kyle Larson is going to be the guy.

Why 13th Place?: He finished one spot out of The Chase last year. When no one, and I mean no one probably even his parents believed he would finish there. He’ll get there this year, and then learn The Chase is a whole new ball game.

THIRD TEAM – The Put Up A Good Fights

12. GREG BIFFLE – #16 Cheez-It Ford
Finish In Last Year’s Chase: 14th Place
Saturday Night Live Cast Member: Chris Rock

Why Chris Rock?: I feel bad for Biff. He is another guy who has all this talent, but it probably isn’t being used correctly? Jack Roush is/was a good team. Unfortunately there isn’t the team around Biff there to be as dominant as he can/should be. Like Chris Rock, who was being used in correctly – put Biff in the right situation and he’ll kill. Until then..

Why 12th Place?: Same story different year. Good enough to get it done in the regular season and squeak out a few wins – doesn’t have enough to put it all together when it matters.


11. RYAN NEWMAN – #31 Caterpillar Chevrolet
Finish In Last Year’s Chase: 2nd Place
Saturday Night Live Cast Member: Jon Lovitz*

Why Jon Lovitz?: Jon Lovitz benefited from being a pretty weak cast. Ryan Newman is going to benefit this year from coming off the year of his life. As fast as he got kicked to the curb for Kevin Harvick – he seemed to drive even faster to an unbelievable second place finish in The Chase. Lovitz came back that next year and people were watching for him, he rose to the occasion.

Why 11th Place?: Newman is coming back this year and people are watching for him. It may have been a fluke of a year, it may not have been. Either way – people will be expecting Ryan Newman this year.

10. KYLE BUSCH – #18 M&M’s Toyota
Finish In Last Year’s Chase: 10th Place
Saturday Night Live Cast Member: Adam Sandler

Why Adam Sandler?: The Sandman was the ultimate love him or hate him guy. The Younger Busch is the ultimate love him or hate him guy. Believe it or not, Sandler was fired from SNL. Kyle Busch won’t be getting fired from Joe Gibbs Racing anytime soon, but he better get back to that old Kyle Busch way of driving like he stole it – or he better hope that fire suit really does work as his seat will be getting hot. #NailedIt

Why 10th Place?: Kyle Busch is one of those guys who again I think on his worst day is better than half of the field. I don’t think he gets it all together this year, but one this is for sure – he can’t have has much bad luck as he did last year.

2009 NASCAR Bristol Priority

9. CARL EDWARDS – #19 Arris Toyota
Finish In Last Year’s Chase: 9th Place
Saturday Night Live Cast Member: Mike Myers

Why Mike Myers?: I wish I could say I’m not a huge fan of Mike Myers so I could compare him to Carl Edwards because according to my Twitter feed (shameless plug @adamgoestreich) I am not a fan of Carl Edwards. But what I do know about Myers is that he is a perfectionist. And so is Carl Edwards. They care tremendously about their craft and to their detriment, they won’t stop until things are perfect. One of the best there is. One who will always be underrated.

Why 9th Place?: New year? New team? New car? New crew chief? New line of mediocre smelly will do you good in a pinch sandwiches? 9th isn’t terrible.

SECOND TEAM – The Close But No Cigars

8. DENNY HAMLIN – #11 Fed-Ex Toyota
Finish In Last Year’s Chase: 3rd Place
Saturday Night Live Cast Member: Jimmy Fallon

Why Jimmy Fallon?: Charismatic as all get out. This may be one of the comparisons that I actually stick to the game plan and compare Denny’s career to Jimmy’s SNL career. WARNING: This is only SNL Jimmy. Not killing the Tonight Show owning the SNL40 post party every celebrity’s best friend Jimmy. Both have the potential to be great. Always so close. Always so far. You like the guy, he’s good looking, but you aren’t sure how far you want to see him succeed. Plus when you need him to come in clutch he ends up cracking.

Why 8th Place?: Had a a hell of a 2014 and tough act to follow up. Last time he was that close to a Championship (2010) – he followed it up with a 9th place finish (2011). WHAT?! STATS?!

7. BRAD KESELOWSKI – #2 Miller Lite Ford
Finish In Last Year’s Chase: 5th Place
Saturday Night Live Cast Member: Dennis Miller

Why Dennis Miller?: A lot of people love Dennis Miller (and Brad). A lot of people thought Dennis Miller was really, really funny (Brad’s not that funny). A lot of people were/are/continue to be rubbed the wrong way by Dennis Miller (and Brad). Keselowski sure didn’t make any friends last year, and I don’t see any Edible Arrangements being sent his way anytime soon. If Brad is going to see victory lane this year, he is going to have Mario Kart his way there.

Why 7th Place?: He’s still really good. And while Brad has no friends in NASCAR, he doesn’t freaking care. He will have to take on the villain role this year – like he has any other choice.

6. DALE EARNHARDT JR. – #88 Nationwide Chevrolet
Finish In Last Year’s Chase: 8th Place
Saturday Night Live Cast Member: Jim Belushi/Eddie Murphy

Why Jim Belushi?: Well.. Jim Belushi because what a tough act to follow. Now listen, this is in no way comparing their talents to each other. I mean Dale just crossed the finish line as I type this to win his 15th time at Daytona. While Jim is still texting SNL groupies to come over to his apartment while striking out. But both had huge shoes to fill. Dale Sr. = THE GREATEST OF ALL-TIME / John Belushi = FUNNIEST THERE EVER WAS. So yeah – the same, jerks.

Why Eddie Murphy?: They are freaking rockstars. Both of em. Eddie was a bonafide movie star while still an SNL cast member while any time Dale wins a race they have to call in the Coast Guard to make sure the race track doesn’t burn to the ground. Now while as far as careers goes, Dale is probably somewhere in between Jim Belushi and Eddie Murphy, he’s inching closer and closer to Eddie as long as he doesn’t end up in a Dr. Doolittle 5 anytime soon.

Why Dale Jr. got two SNL cast members?: He’s Dale Jr.

Why 6th Place?: I want to believe. Just can’t do it. Last year was the year. Steve Letarte’s last ride – it was meant to be. It wasn’t meant to be. It took awhile for Dale to get use to his new crew chief, I don’t see it being a different story this time around.

5. MATT KENSETH – #20 Dollar General Toyota
Finish In Last Year’s Chase: 7th Place
Saturday Night Live Cast Member: Bill Hader

Why Bill Hader?: Another Bill, of the Murray ancestry recently said that Bill Hader is secretly the greatest SNL cast member of all-time. I can’t fully agree with that, but fuck (that’s the first one by the way) I could see it. I love Bill Hader. Unfortunately you would probably give Hader one of those Best All-Around driver awards. It’s not quite the MVP because we are giving that to the good looking kid who hits the game winners and wears the flashy shoes. But you are still the Best All-Around. That’s Bill Hader. That’s Matt Kenseth. If it wasn’t for this silly/amazing Race For The Chase thing Matt Kenseth could probably be the best driver of this era. But that isn’t the case. So hey Matt, congrats on your Best All-Around ribbon.

Why 5th Place?: Because I still don’t think Kenseth has still figured out his whole Chase thing. I mean it’s really not that hard to figure out right, just win. Which he will, a lot – during the season. THAT’S NOT WHERE IT COUNTS THOUGH BROTHER!


FIRST TEAM – The Best Of The Best

4. KEVIN HARVICK – #4 Budweiser Chevrolet
Finish In Last Year’s Chase: 1st Place
Saturday Night Live Cast Member: Dan Akroyd

Why Dan Akroyd?: Old school. Not the movie. But the style. Kevin Harvick is an old school, no non-sense, get the job done, get out of the way guy. I once heard that Dan Akroyd punched out all the ceiling tiles while interrogating the entire 8th floor looking for his drugs. Oh and he’s an old school guy, all business type of guy. One of the best. Harvick has always been there. Never quite there, but finally got there. 2014 was his Blues Brothers. It finally put him up there with the best of the best.

Why 4th Place?: It’s tough to go back-to-back. Just ask the Seattle Seahawks.

3. JOEY LOGANO – #22 Shell-Pennzoil Ford
Finish In Last Year’s Chase: 4th Place
Saturday Night Live Cast Member: Fred Armisen

Why Fred Armisen?: Sneaky great. Fred was always right there. You weren’t sure how or why, but he was right there crushing each and every sketch he was in. You didn’t expect it, but he did it. Whether you liked it or not. Joey Logano is kind of just there. And he kind of just keeps getting in the mix and crushing. Hell of a 2014 with no signs of slowing down in 2015. Armisen sure didn’t slow down after SNL. I had to find some sort of other comparison there. Didn’t feel comfortable ending it there. Also the answer to how hasn’t he slowed down is What is Portlandia?

Why 3rd Place?: He’s good. Really good. Still young and good. He’s still feeling this hiccup at Homestead last year. But he’s going to need a hiccup from these next two guys to win his first championship.


2. JIMMIE JOHNSON – #48 Lowe’s Chevrolet
Finish In Last Year’s Chase: 11th Place
Saturday Night Live Cast Member: Will Ferrell

Why Will Ferrell?: The greatest of this generation. We will have to wait hopefully a dozen more years and a handful more championships to rank JJ all-time. But it is safe to say he is the best of our generation, just like Will Ferrell. Just as Will Ferrell had hit after hit after hit – Celebrity Jeopardy, Spartan Cheerleader, Mandatory Drug Assembly. Jimmie Johnson had/has/will have Championship run after Championship run. You cannot ever count these two guys out. Still today, you never know when and where they will show up and remind you and everyone else that you are a mere mortal.

Why 2nd Place?: There’s no doubt he and Chad have figured out this Chase format. There’s just no way the Gods will allow him to rain on the parade of the man who made him (too far).

1. JEFF GORDON – #24 Drive To End Hunger Chevrolet

Finish In Last Year’s Chase: 6th Place
Saturday Night Live Cast Member: Bill Murray

Why Bill Murray?: Who doesn’t love Bill Murray? Who doesn’t love Jeff Gordon? Well me for instance back when I was young dumb and full of – yeah. Both may not go down as the titular greatest of all-time. Both will be in the conversation. Bill Murray and Jeff Gordon are those guys you take for granted. You can’t imagine your life without them. You are floored by their greatness but you also forget sometimes just how great they are. Until Bill Murray comes out as Nick Ocean and sings the Jaws Theme Song. Or until 42 year old Jeff Gordon goes all Tyson on Keselowki and starts a street brawl after a race. You love these guys. You miss these guys. You don’t know what you will do without these guys. And you really don’t wanna think about it at all.

Why 1st Place?: Now watch me bring this thing full circle. Tina Fey put it best at SNL40 during Weekend Update when she said, “What are they going to do, fire us?” That is going to be Jeff’s attitude all year long. Kevin Harvick may have been the the fastest car all year long last year, but Jeff was 1b. Dude was bad fast. And there is nothing you can put in his way that he won’t go Dale Sr./Cole Trickle/Ricky Bobby on your ass to get that checkered flag. Jeff Gordon is going all out this year. He’s got nothing to lose, and only that alluring Chase Championship to win. And that’s all that matters.


Follow me on Twitter at @adamgoestreich
Hit me up on Facebook at /adamgoestreich
Check out my personal website at www.adamgoestreich.com

P.S. *Jon Lovitz is still alive.

OhKs #33 // Larry Bird (9-24-14)

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This week’s episode starts out with an Public Service Announcement to podcasters everywhere – be careful what you say about Roger Goodell or ESPN may suspend you. The Oh’s Knows Bro’s then discuss the Iowa Hawkeyes and take a stab at predicting the upcoming Big Ten schedule. After a brief discussion about the ACL Music Festival, gambling and treating your girlfriend right the guys play some games! IMDB Movie Game, and like always a very special themed game of “Who, Who Are You?” This podcast is dedicated to Larry Bird #33 in your programs #1 in your hearts.

OhKs #32 // Cats vs. Dogs (9-17-14)

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Oh word? A new theme song for a very special game?! But before that – Adam and Nick, the Oh’s Knows Brothers not to be confused, talk about the crushing Iowa Hawkeyes loss as well as the biggest surprises so far in the NFL season when it comes to on the field activity. They also break down the first race of the NASCAR Chase and debate over who will be there at the end, cough Jimmie, cough not. Then the new theme song rolls us into a not so spirited round of “Top4 Movie Game” and someone mails it in “Who, Who Are You?”

NASCAR’s Chase Playoffs // How They’ll Finish


With a little help from Nic Cage.

If you’ve read or stumbled upon or been forced to read this blog before. You know we love to mix sports with movies. Especially movie quotes because as we all know, you can relate them to absolutely anything. So why not try our hand with the NASCAR Chase, and how I think this will all play out. And to help out, I thought I’d bring in my dear friend, Mr. Nicolas Cage.



16. ARIC ALMIROLANational Treasure

Powell: How do a bunch of guys with hand tools build all this?

Ben Gates: Same way they built the pyramids – and the Great Wall of China.

Riley Poole: Yeah… the aliens helped them.

I like Aric. But let’s be honest, if it weren’t for the aliens and the new Chase rules he wouldn’t be here in the playoffs. Good for him though. It’s not like he is a bad driver, and this should get him some good exposure.. for 3 races. Honestly, it will be fun to see if he can battle it out and beat the Dinger for last. Side bets anyone?

15. AJ ALLMENDINGER – National Treasure

Riley Poole: Anyone crazy enough to believe us isn’t gonna want to help.

Ben Gates: We don’t need someone crazy. But one step short of crazy, what do you get?

Riley Poole: Obsessed.

Ben Gates: Passionate.

Like I said before, The Dinger may be battling it out for last place with #43, and like Aric – he’s lucky to be here. He’s a hell of a driver and he’s extra lucky considering all the craziness he’s been through to even be in a race car. He’s obsessed. And passionate. See what I did there? But you need more than that to win.


14. KYLE BUSCH – Con Air

Baby O: How am I doing, son?

Cameron Poe: You’re doing fine.

Kyle just needs a good pep talk and a keep your head up kid after this year. He’s definitely going to forget all about 2014, as he may have already thrown in the towel on the season. It pains me to put him this low but he’s had worse luck this season than an NFL running back. Too soon? Sorry Kyle. And mom.

13. RYAN NEWMAN – Ghost Rider

Caretaker: You all right?

Johnny Blaze: Yeah, I’m good. I feel like my skull is on fire, but I’m good.

Man I like Ryan too. And the only reason I put him in front of Kyle is because.. Well yeah we went over that. (See NFL running backs). Ryan is a hell of a good driver who for getting kicked to the curb by Stewart-Haas is trying to put up a respectable showing for new owner Richard Childress by being the lone wolf in the Chase for said team. But he’s got to feel a little Ghost Rider-y after this season.

12. KASEY KAHNE – Gone In 60 Seconds

Freb: I can deliver more than pizzas, huh? Boosted her myself.

Donny: How did you get this car?

Freb: Actually, the keys were in it.

Donny: Well, that kinda defies the point.

Memphis: You stole a car that wasn’t on the list. Why don’t you just go to the police station in a red clown suit and let everybody know what we’re doing here?

I like Kasey. Is it weird that I keep saying I like these guys.. right before I rip them? I don’t not like Kasey. And he’s a hell of a driver, (that’s a nice way of saying I don’t like him), but I have to imagine if he wasn’t driving for Hendrick he wouldn’t be in the Chase. I mean the keys are just in the car. And you’re there. Don’t expect big things from him this fall.


11. KURT BUSCH – Lord of War

Yuri Orlov: Any friend of my brothers’ is a… a friend of my brothers’.

Don’t lump Kurt in the same category as Kyle. Mainly because Kurt isn’t as good as Kyle, but eff Kyle is having a bad year. I couldn’t figure out which brother deserved this quote more. I wonder which one of them wouldn’t want to be lumped in with the other. Luckily for Kurt, he’s had better luck this year than little brother.

10. DENNY HAMLIN – Leaving Las Vegas

Ben Sanderson: I think when I’m done with this I’ll have a gin and tonic.

Listen Denny I know you don’t drink, and party, any more and I know you ripped us all to shreds at that press conference when you had rust in your eye. I’m not saying you’re going to drink after the Chase. But you’re going to wish you had one. Denny has to be wondering how and when he’s going to return to dominance again. And who knows maybe a gin and tonic would help!

9. GREG BIFFLE – Gone In 60 Seconds

Memphis: I just stole fifty cars in one night! I’m a little tired, little wired, and I think I deserve a little appreciation!

I don’t think Biff gets as much credit as he really deserves. He’s got to be feeling like he stole damn near fifty cars in one night just to get into this chase. And I’d love to put the Biff higher than 9 I really would! But there is a lot of freaking talent up there at the top. And unfortunately I don’t think the Biff can hang. But I appreciate you anyway sir!


8. MATT KENSETH – Lord of War

Yuri Orlov: There are two types of tragedies in life. One is not getting what you want, the other is getting it.

Matt Kenseth has been to the top. He’s won it all. So he knows what it feels like. But it sure has been a while since he’s been there. I kept picking him to win over and over again this year and it never happened. He is Mr. Consistent. Unfortunately, because of you Matt, you gotta win to be in. And it just isn’t happening this year.


Cameron Poe: Yeah, but like at this new prison you’re goin’ to, who’s gonna watch your back?

Baby O: God’s got my back. You know what I’m sayin’?

Carl’s last ride for ole Jack. If I were him, I’d just make sure I ain’t going out there and pissing off any of my new teammates. Yeah he could go for the Championship. But.. do we really think he’s got what it takes? I sure don’t. If you aren’t running a Hendrick or Penske car.. Or named Kevin. Just try to make nice.


Max California: What is this?

Tom Welles: Money. People use it to buy goods and services.

Yeah I could say something about how Joey is rich and was given everything and so on and so forth. But that would be too easy. It’s also hard to keep saying that after the year Joey has had. Dude has been driving like he stole it week in and week out. Think he’s still a little to young to take it home, but maybe I’ll be wrong for the first time ever. Doubt it.


5. JIMMIE JOHNSON – Gone In 60 Seconds

Memphis: Without disappointment you cannot appreciate victory.

Det. Roland Castlebeck: Did Eleanor tell you that?

What? Jimmie Johnson fifth? Yeah man. I did that. Listen I know you’ll be laughing in my face 10 weeks from now telling me how dumb I am. But he wasn’t even like the 5th best driver all year. I mean he’s the #1 best driver of all-time (whoa there) but he hasn’t been as dominant as always. Yes he’s 6-time, and that’s why I bumped him up to fifth. Let’s just say after this year he’ll appreciate those Championships a little more.

4. DALE EARNHARDT JR. – National Treasure

Ben Gates: [upset] I just… really thought I was gonna find the treasure.

Patrick Gates: Okay. Then we just keep looking for it.

Abigail Chase: I’m in.

Dale is the most emotional guy after races. And it pains me to see. He’s so close this year. And it would be so dominant to see him win it all and standing in Victory Lane in Homstead. Him, Steve and Amy. Listen we are all rooting for that. You, me, Wal-Mart, freaking NASCAR. We’d love to see it. But I just don’t think he’s quite there.. But again. I’d love to be wrong. For once. Especially when it comes to this prediction. JOOOOONYAAHHHHHHH!!!

3. BRAD KESELOWSKI – Lord of War

Yuri Orlov: I was the same man who was not good enough for you before, and I’m just not good enough for you now.

Eh I don’t even really know what this quote means. I asked Brad on Twitter what his favorite Nic Cage movie was and he never got back to me. Oh cool you have a girlfriend now? So do I. Either way Bad Brad has got to be most people’s pick to win it all. I’m not most people. There’s at least 2 people way faster than this dude..

2. JEFF GORDON – Gone In 60 Seconds

Memphis: I am a baaaad man.

Whoa. I use to hate Jeff Gordon. My brother loved him when we were younger and I would make fun of him so hard. One missed shipment and comfy ass Jeff Gordon shirt later – I love the dude. And how couldn’t you? I mean I wish he would grow his mustache back but that’s beside the point. Like Memphis Raines, Jeff has to be going into this thinking he’s a bad man. He is. Between him and another Freaky Fast driver, it’s a toss up to who would show up to the track on Sunday with the faster car. This is Jeff Gordon’s to lose. Damnit he’s so fast I want to pick him to win it all.



Cameron Poe: If this thing goes bad, Larkin, I don’t think my daughter will… understand. If you speak to my wife again, you tell her: that I love her. She’s my hummin’bird. But, I couldn’t leave a fallen man behind. You’ll do that for me, won’t you, Larkin?

Vince Larkin: Sure, I will. What are you gonna do for me?

Cameron Poe: What do you think I’m gonna do? I’m gonna save the fuckin’ day!

Call it favoritism. Call it advertising at it’s finest (I love Budweiser. Jimmy John’s is great too). Call it what you want. But Kevin Harvick has been the fastest dude on four wheels almost every damn week this year. From the get go. Yes yes yes it takes more than that and Kevin hasn’t had that. We’re over it. Tony Stewart and the Stewart-Haas team are all in this year, bringing in new pit crew members to get this Freaky Fast #4 Chevy to Homstead and to hoist that Championship trophy. Kevin is due. He’s been there. Man he has been there so many times and been so close. He’s got SPEED. And a lot of it. He’s going to leave it out there these next 10 weeks, rubbin’, racing and doing anything and everything it takes to save the fuckin’ day. And win that NASCAR Sprint Cup Championship. #Huh.



OhKs #31 // Rhymes Are Good (9-10-14)


This week on Oh’s Knows.. The bros talk about the weekend that was, starting with an embarrassing win – really? – over a MAC football team by the Iowa Hawkeyes followed by the NFL weekend that was. Adam breaks down the best and worst part of the Cowboy’s season.. There’s a best? – and Nick talks a little bit about the Cardiac Colts. I think. The guys also make their picks for the NASCAR Race for the Chase and look forward to Iowa vs. Iowa State this weekend as well as discuss proper group texting etiquette. Wrapping things up with some games, we try and Stump the Schwab, but he wasn’t having it with these Ax Men. It’s ladies week on IMDB Top 4 Working Title and a fun and yet informative round of Who, Who Are You?

OhKs #29 // Hobo Train (8-18-14)

Jeff Gordon

This week the Oh’s Knows bros are getting amped up for football season. After discussing traveling via train and why Nick can’t leave Iowa anymore, they talk about great Robin Williams films, Jeff Gordon being dang fast and how bad the Cowboys are going to be – and how good, or bad the Colts will be. Then they play “IMDB’s Actors Known For Top 4 Movies on IMDB – Working Title”. Adam dominates, of course, if you count forgetting Leo was in the Titantic. And to wrap things up Adam stumps Nick, kind of, in “Who, Who Are You?” and the guys end on a very heartwarming quote.

OhKs #28 // Which Die-Hard? (8-10-14)


This week the Oh’s Knows bros talk about Nick’s travel woes and his week with Mickey Mouse. The guys also talk about the unfortunate tragic event in racing that took place involving Tony Stewart. Later they get into the “Big 3”, Kevin Love to the Cavs and whether you should keep your Andrew Wiggins Cavs jersey or not. Wrapping things up the guys play a new game – Actors IMDB’s Known For Movies (working title)and the game that is quickly sweeping the nation, “Who, Who Are You?!” P.S. Adam bests his little brother for the first time ever.. Spoiler Alert.

OhKs #27 // In 3-2-1.. (8-3-14)


This week the guys celebrate Nick’s new job and continuing his education. They also talk about the Ray Rice situation, and why they think Josh Gordon may, just may get out of his full year suspension. The guys also briefly discuss NASCAR, Fantasy Football and how Speed is one of the greatest movies of all time – snubbed of an Oscar. Wrapping things up, they guys play “Who, Who Are You?” a game that is quickly sweeping the nation!

OhKs #26 // And We’re Back! (7-27-14)


After 5 months of vacation –  the Oh’s Knows Bros are back! They haven’t talked since the last podcast, and quickly get caught up and back to the nitty gritty. The lucky numbers today? 207, 75 and 33.. 207 days until Adam’s marathon, 75 days until the ACL Festival and 33 days until the Iowa Hawkeyes kick off football season! They also talk about LeBron’s decision TO RETURN HOME and play a round of “Who, Who Are You?”

Well this makes sense now!


There were a few things that surprised me last weekend at Daytona.

TWO “The Big One’s” knocking out every popular driver not named Danica.

There were a few things that caught me off guard.

SEEING guys like Landon Cassill and David Ragan leading most of the race.

And there were a few things that just down right left me scratching my head. But after the semi-final round of the World Cup, with Germany dismantling Brazil 7-1 scoring freaking 5 goals in the first 30 minutes, my head can go un-scratched.

After that game, these images from the past weekend make total sense now!


Straight off the bat, new logo this year — they were really banking on the Germans pitching a shutout. The Coke Seven To Zero. JUST ONE OFF!

Weird on Sunday. Makes total sense on Tuesday.


Brazil car gets caught up in the first “Big One” while the Germany Seven car gets through untouched.

Weird on Sunday. Makes total sense after Tuesday.


A group of young girls, apparently Rammstein fans (nothing weird about that) are not fans of the Rio movies and enjoying jumping in some puddles during one of the rain breaks.

Weird on Sunday. Makes total sense after Tuesday.

NASCAR Daytona Auto Racing

The Pontiac Brazil 1 to 7 car in total disarray on Sunday.

Actually not that weird on Sunday. Still holds up today.


Aric Almirola in victory lane on Sunday. Remind you that Aric is of Cuban-American decent and is clearly holding up a German flag in victory lane. May have been okay if it was Cuban flag. Ehh – on second that. Since it was Independence day weekend, it really should have been an American flag.

Weird on Sunday. Makes a little bit of sense on Tuesday, but still a little in the face of the spirit of the weekend. But hey Aric..

Hey. To each their own. Go Germany!



If you ain’t rubbing, you ain’t racing

NASCAR at Daytona International Speedway

This past Saturday Sunday morning we got to see one hell of a show at the Firecracker 400 Coke Zero 400 at one of the most fun, fast, and fascinating places in all of the great history of motorsports – the Rain Forrest Daytona, Florida.

See what I did there?

Except a few problems that I would love to see changed.

  1. No more rain.
  2. No more multiple 15 car pileups involving damn near every chase driver while the top three drivers resembles a law firm more than a Sprint Cup race in July. (ie: Ragan, Cassill and Associates)
  3. No more boring races.

NASCAR: Coke Zero 400

Now I understand a few of those things can’t be avoided. Okay most all of them can’t be avoided but I think I am going to take a stab at if you don’t mind.

Oh you don’t?


  1. No more rain.

So there are these football stadiums, one in Dallas, one in Detroit and one in Phoenix just to name three – that have these things called roof. And to even take it a step further, these are retractable! So if it’s not raining, we got sunshine! But when you plan a race off the Atlantic Ocean in Hurricane season – press a beautiful button or even a clapper and as soon as Brian Neudorff sees green, “Clap on, clap off – the Clapper!” But leave it on.

Alternative Idea: Windshield Wipers

11267360-dallas-cowboys-stadium (1)

2. No more multi car pileups.

Like the ole saying goes.. You know how it goes. But when you start rubbing too much, that ain’t necessarily racing now is it? You have to have guys on the track to race! How about we put bumpers all around the car like them bumper cars you would ride around at the fair when you were younger. Sure we will slow the cars down a good couple dozen MPH but anytime you bump up into someone you won’t be sent to the garage packing and starting throwing around the term “Hero” facetiously.

Alternative Idea: Start rooting for the guys who finally get a chance to run up front with the big boys.


3. No more boring races.

Listen. As soon as the last red flag dropped just past halfway point. I turned the television off. Not only because my girlfriend had it up to here (my hand is really high off the ground right now) with NASCAR for one day/season/lifetime. But because I knew we weren’t going back to green flag racing. Boring. Too predictable. Give these guys rocket launchers, a twelve pack and an unlimited gift card for Sonoco fuel – that will liven things up!

Alternative Idea: Stop complaining about boring races. Not every race is going to be a knock’em out, drag’em out, short track, cross the finish line before we run out of fuel just hundred of thousands of seconds before three other guys kind of race. Get over it.

Plus, seeing these guys – and gals go 200mph trying to out race a radar, and 40 other guys isn’t boring. It’s white fist thrilling as hell.

Tony Stewart isn’t going to throw his helmet at a moving car every race. DW’s pit crew isn’t going to start a fight with another pit crew every race (plus it’d be weird if DW still had a pit crew). And you can absolutely bet that no one is going to run his face into Cale Yarborough’s fist, again and again – anytime soon.


Heck yeah it would be awesome. It’d be awesome if Dale Earnhardt, Tupac and Amelia Earhart were all stranded on a dessert island somewhere explaining to Tupac the extra N in Dale’s name and which one of them attempted to fly around the globe.


Long story short. We aren’t going to to get an instant classic every Sunday. It’d be awesome. But it’s not going to happen. Sometimes we are going to get a good ole fashion All-American auto race. Between some badass dudes and chicks driving some badass American Muscle cars and Toyotas.

So for everyone out there complaining about the race this past 4th of July Holiday weekend (assuming people are), get over it!

And if no one is complaining. This is just a reminder to myself.. If you ain’t rubbing you ain’t racing.

And not every race is going to knock your socks off.

Oh and the whole Tupac thing – forget about it.

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About to.. lose a REAL bet to a FAKE person!


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Way back in the dog days of April, nearly 2 months ago but really closer to 1 and a half month ago I went out on a limb – ehh? – and said that Jimmie Johnson would not win before or during the Coca Cola 600.

Well ladies and gentlemen today is arguable the greatest day of the year. With 1100 miles in racing, and way more ego points on the line, like double 1100 and times a bunch more. I’m starting to get nervous.

It’s not the talk of the NASCAR town, but it is definitely one of the main story lines this year – that is the fact that Jimmie Johnson, Mr. 6 Time, Mr. Unstoppable – has been more stoppable than un and has yet to cross the finish line first in a single race so far in 2014.

Will it be tonight? I sure hope not! You see, if we hop back in to the way back machine, I said Jimmie Johnson wouldn’t win before OR during the 600. Not just before! Idiot! And you see, I kinda (not really at all) made a REAL bet with a FAKE (I’m sure it’s not a bot) person on Twitter.

Not that any of you care.. But I do! You see, I would feel really cool if I was correct on something like this! It would make me like a NASCAR expert or something! I would join the ranks of like the great Nascar James or Sir Sprint Cupps!

We all know Jimmie will win eventually. He will more than likely win in bunches! But please Jimmie, don’t win tonight – I don’t want to lose my REAL bet to this FAKE person I’ve never met!



Where you at JJ?


Last week I went out on somewhat of a limb saying that Jimmie Johnson wouldn’t win until at least June.

I also wrote something saying something like Kevin Harvick should probably start getting concerned here soon.

Well Kevin Harvick sure has nothing to worry about after a dominating performance in Darlington for his second win this year. But Jimmie Johnson still remains winless, and makes me begin to wonder. Where you at JJ?

He will win before the Chase. He will make the Chase. He may win the Championship. So let’s just throw all that, “What if Jimmie Johnson doesn’t make it to the Chase?” crap. He’s going to.

But when?

After the Easter break and luxurious vacation by most if not all drivers that will be happening this weekend. We head to Richmond, Talladega, Kansas and Charlotte for the All-Star and Coca-Cola 600 to round out May before Summer racing officially starts.

Jimmie has won 1 time in Richmond,  2 times at Dega, 2 times in I don’t think we are in Kansas anymore as well as 3 consecutive years in a row winning in Charlotte.


Not bad numbers, but not overly impressive numbers either. It’s a crap shoot at Dega and safe to say anything can happen in Charlotte as well. The chances of him winning are good but not likely, especially the way he’s been running this year. He’s not even the best driver on his team this year! Maybe not even the 2nd best! But he’s still miles ahead of you Kasey. Sorry.

Here’s the thing though. Why does Jimmie have to win now? Again, he’s going to. But maybe he doesn’t want to, need to, I’m sure he wants to but does he need to?

Why not mess around all spring and summer, get one or two wins and make the Chase and sneak up on everybody. He doesn’t have to crank out 5 wins in the regular season anymore. You win, and you’re in.

Perhaps Chad Knaus, the Bill Belichick or the Gregg Popovich of NASCAR is taking a page out of their books – just make the playoffs. Don’t over exert yourself. Yes yes I know, football and basketball is nothing like NASCAR – they are athletes in those sports. (Shut up Donavon McNabb) NASCAR doesn’t quite take the same toll on your body as those physical sports so you don’t have to rest for the playoffs.

But why beat yourself up, your equipment up or show your hand when you don’t have to? Chad Knaus is a genius.  He’s the best crew chief in the sport. Together with Jimmie Johnson, obviously, makes one of the best teams in the history of the sport. Maybe he knows something we don’t know? Like where JJ is.


It’s a new outlook this season with new rules. It so far has been one of the strangest NASCAR starts I have ever witnessed. So in my personal opinion, don’t expect a handful of wins this year out of the 48 team. But if it happens – fuck I wouldn’t be surprised. He’s Jimmie Johnson after all! But until then.

Where you at JJ?


Darlington This Weekend // Best & Worst Paint Schemes

Bojangles' Southern 500

Best of the best: Kasey Kahne in the #5 Great Clips Chevrolet

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It’s a rough batch here. But I guess I have to give it to ya Kasey. Or Great Clips. Seems like most cars are going the black paint route due to the fact that they are racing at “The Lady in Black.” Kasey’s sublte blues and yellow-ish greens really accent well with the red — I shouldn’t have slept in colors class in college. Yeah, that’s a class..

Probably the best idea: Jamie McMurray in the #1 CESSNA/Beechcraft Chevrolet

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It’s definitely going to hide those black stripes that everyone will most certainly earn at Darlington this weekend. I do feel bad for you Beechcraft though.. Because after this race people will more likely be thinking this was a Ricky Bobby car with zero sponsors. This thing is going to be blacker than — nope. I guess, er. Night.

A for effort: David Ragan in the #34 CSX Ford

Screen Shot 2014-04-11 at 4.15.08 PM

By lap 2 that “Around Railroad Tracks” is going to be painted black. All anyone is going to see is “Play it Safe.” I mean you can at least ask David, I don’t think anyone is going to be so willing to obey your request. Darlington’s Twitter handle isn’t @TooToughToTame for a reason. It’s only 8 races in, but driver’s have got to be getting antsy. There’s 16 spots in the chase this year – you basically win and you’re in. So at least you tried David, but I don’t think anyone is going to be playing it safe this weekend trying to run down that checkered flag.

Get on board or get to Russia!


Yesterday wrapped up a two day tire test for a few NASCAR drivers and Goodyear at Michigan International Speedway. And shit got real.

After the debacle that was Martinsville, where you weren’t the cool kid in class unless you blew a tire – like peeing your pants in Billy Madison. People, not smart, er – less informed immediately began to blame Goodyear. Makes sense, they make the tires. But Goodyear quickly through together a rebuttal of – hey crew chiefs, how about you listen to us once and a while and fill them damn tires up all the way.

All of this is besides the point, and Goodyear could use a little boost, news, fun in the sun, to get back in good graces of NASCAR Nation.

That’s where Dale Earnhardt Jr., Clint Bowyer, Greg Biffle, Ryan Newman and Trevor Bayne come in.

Screen Shot 2014-04-09 at 10.45.54 PM

Yeah. You read that right. 217 mph. Now if you can’t get on board with that, just move right to Russia. Or North Korea. Cause that’s just straight badass son.

217 miles per freaking hour! Last year, Joey Logano set the track qualifying record at 203 mph. That’s a whole 14 mph faster! Holy hell Goodyear, what you got in those tires? Could this be our first ever case of performance enhancing drugs in tires? If there’s one way to get people to forget about your tires blowing up more than Kurt Busch on an ESPN reporter, it’s to top out at 215 plus.

It sure got me counting down the days to Michigan. Well done Goodyear.

When do you start getting concerned Kevin Harvick?


You’re Kevin Harvick. You’re with a new team this year who happens to be one of your best bros. You got to keep all your sponsors. You have one of the best crew chiefs in the sport. You are coming off yet another Top 3 finish in the chase and you already have one dominating win this year which pretty much guarantees you a spot in the chase.

So what do you have to be concerned about?

Well.. Where do we start.

Maybe it’s the fact that Kevin currently sits in 26th place in points. Or the fact that he’s finished 36th or worse in 4 of 7 races this year. Maybe it’s the fact that if his or your car has it, Kevin has broken it. Hub, engine, tires, tires, tires and just about everything else. Maybe it’s an inexperienced young #4 Team or maybe it’s an under achieving cast of characters in Stewart-Haas Racing.

Whatever it is. It needs to be figured out soon.

There’s 19 more races until the start of the Chase. And while beginning to worry now would be like the Cubs planning on playing in October. It’s extremely too early to tell. But things need to shape up soon. Very soon.


At times when Harv is good.. Holy shit is he good. He’s had one of if not the fastest car at one point in time for every single race this year. But when things go bad.. It’s like rooting for the aforementioned Cubbies. Extremely painful.

I wish I knew the statistics and could give some scientific day and time on when Rodney Childers needs to get his #4 back on track or update his resume again, but I don’t. If someone knows, anyone, please let me know.

Until then, I don’t think we are going to be concerned just yet. Not just yet. But for the sake of every Budweiser Racing fan, Rodney, Delana, the whole Stewart-Haas racing team, Jimmy Johns, my heart, and Mr. Kevin Harvick. Let’s just hope things shape up very soon.


“Quote, Unquote” // NASCAR Power Rankings No. 4


Going on four what feels like a dozen races in to the 2014 NASCAR season, and it just keeps getting better doesn’t it? If you didn’t like the rubbin’ and racing at Bristol, then you can just get the hell out. Dale fell from grace this week, not too far, but we had quite the shakeup. If I was ranking on how they woulda, coulda and shoulda finished (and I was close), Mr. Kevin Harvick would be your clear number one driver. Thanks again for those engines Rick Hendrick! Either way, it has been a bleeping heck of a good time through four races, and next week we head back west to Fontana fun!

This week – because it has been raining like cats and dogs and they sure have been coincidentally been promoting the hell, sorry Jesus, out of this Noah movie. Ladies and gentlemen, Russell Crowe.


1. Brad Keselowski (LW: 2) – American Gangster

FBI Agent: If you want, we can assign someone to you?

Detective Richie Roberts: FBI protection? My life is dangerous enough as it is!

2. Carl Edwards (LW: 7) – Noah

Noah: The beginning! The beginning of everything!

3. Kevin Harvick (LW: 3) – Gladiator

Robin Longstride: Ask me nicely.


4. Dale Earnhardt Jr. (LW: 4) – 3:10 to Yuma

Ben Wade: Remind me never to play poker in this town.

5. Jeff Gordon (LW: 6) – Robin Hood

Robin Longstride: Rise and rise again until lambs become lions.


6. Joey Logano (LW: 4) – A Beautiful Mind

Nash: They are my past. Everyone is haunted by their past.

7. Denny Hamlin (LW: NR) – Gladiator 

Maximus: I am required to kill, so I kill. That is enough.

8. Jimmie Johnson (LW: 5) – Gladiator

Maximus: Are you not entertained? Are you not entertained? Is this not why you are here?


9. Kasey Kahne (LW: NR) – Man of Steel

Jor-El: Our people can co-exist.

10. Matt Kenseth (LW: 9) – A Beautiful Mind

Nash: In competitive behavior someone always loses.


Honorable Mention

Greg Biffle (LW: NR) – Mystery, Alaska

John Biebe: You’ve been smilin’ a lot lately.

Tony Stewart (LW: NR) – A Beautiful Mind

Nash: You wanted to see if I was crazy and would screw everything up if I actually won.

“Quote, Unquote” // NASCAR Power Rankings No. 3


Three races in to the 2014 NASCAR season and it has been exciting as all get out. Dale Jr. rolled the dice (never gets old) in Vegas and came up short, just a little bit and the Karate Kid Brad Keselowski took home the victory. There wasn’t much of a shake up towards the top, but everyone else who hasn’t won a race yet this year really needs to figure their shit out. Next week we head to Bristol for some good ole short track racing! Boogity!

This week – because he has a Karate Kid of his own, and because rumors are going around that he recently died on a movie shoot, he didn’t we want to honor Will Smith. Remember, he didn’t die, believe it or not some things on the internet are not true. Unless you read it here. Ladies and gentlemen, Will Smith.

Will Smith

1. Dale Earnhardt Jr. (LW: 1) – Men In Black

Jay: There’s only one way off this planet, baby, and that’s through me.

2. Brad Keselowski (LW: 3) – Independence Day

Captain Steven Hiller: I ain’t heard no fat lady!

3. Kevin Harvick (LW: 2) – Independence Day

Captain Steven Hiller: I could’ve been at a barbecue!


4. Joey Logano (LW: 9) – Men In Black

Jay: You know what the difference is between you and me? I make this look GOOD.

5. Jimmie Johnson (LW: 4) – Ali

Muhammad Ali: Is that all you got?

6. Jeff Gordon (LW: 5) – Enemy of the State

Robert Clayton Dean: Conspiracy theorists of the world unite.


7. Carl Edwards (LW: 10) – Bad Boys

Mike Lowrey: Now that’s how you supposed to drive! From now on that’s how you drive!

8. Ryan Newman (LW: NR) – Hancock

Hancock: All of you people, blocking the intersection, you’re all idiots.

9. Matt Kenseth (LW: 7) – Hitch

Hitch: I just know that I want to be… miserable. Like, really miserable. But hey, if that’s what it takes for me to be happy, then… wait, that didn’t come out right.

10. Kyle Busch (LW: 6) – Wild Wild West

Capt. James West: Actually, I was thinking I’d stuff your little half-an-ass into one of these cannons and fertilize the landscape with ya.

wild wild west big willy

Honorable Mention

Paul Menard (LW: NR) – Bad Boys

Marcus Burnett: Hey man where-where-where’s your cup holder?

Mike Lowrey: I don’t have one.

Marcus Burnett: What the f- w’you mean you don’t have one? Eighty thousand dollars for this car and you ain’t got no damn cup holder?

Mike Lowrey: It’s $105,000 and this happens to be one of the fastest production cars on the planet. Zero to sixty in four seconds, sweetie. It’s a limited edition.

EDUCATE News No.3 // Brad Doubles Down in Vegas #NASCAR (3-11-14)


Brad Keselowski wins the Kobalt 400 in Las Vegas! It took Dale Jr. to run out of gas, but he won – and I don’t think he’s giving his trophy to Jr. anytime soon. EDUCATE News breaks down race, talks to the three winners in NASCAR so far this season, reviews the first ever EDUCATE Book of the Month Club and predicts next week’s winner in Bristol!

“It’s like if the #406 met SNL.” – Said no one ever.

A fake interview with the real Vegas winner // Brad Keselowski

Kobalt 400

ME: You doubled down in Vegas this weekend, how does that feel?

BK: That’s what we came here to do and it feels great. You know I just love to race and to be able to go out there and race Nationwide and Sprint all in one weekend is a dream come true. And to win them both, that’s icing on the cake.

ME: Are you going to give Jr. that trophy since he handed you the victory?

BK: (Laughs) Absolutely not! He’s got a few trophies of his own, like that Daytona 500 one so I think he’ll do fine without this one.

Kobalt 400

ME: What did it feel like to pass your mentor on the last lap?

BK: You know I wouldn’t be here without that guy. So it’s definitely bittersweet. One of the great things about this sport is that at the end of the day we’re all friends. But when you are out there on the track – it’s every man for himself.

ME: And woman.

BK: And woman.

ME: Be honest.. You were crying in victory lane weren’t you?

BK: Man there was so much Miller Lite flying around it got me square in both eyes it stung. I couldn’t see nothing.

ME: So you weren’t just really emotional?

BK: I was pretty emotional but I was more pumped up than anything.


ME: You didn’t make the Chase last year. You are all but guaranteed a spot with this win, that has to feel good right?

BK: It feels great you know. We definitely have a lot more work to do but it is a huge weight off our shoulders. We plan on winning a few more races between now and come Chase time but it gives us the opportunity to mess around with the car and do some things we might not normally do if we didn’t know we wouldn’t be racing for that championship.

ME: How many Miller Lite’s do you drink after a win like this?

BK: We plan on having quite a few. I don’t plan on getting any in my eye though they are going to go down nice and smooth.

ME: Like 24?

BK: Maybe not that many. We got Bristol in just a few days!

ME: Can you please just do me one solid and drive the white throwback Miller Lite car the rest of the year?

BK: I’ll see what I can do.

ME: That’s fair.


Las Vegas This Weekend // Best & Worst Paint Schemes


Kevin Harvick dominated in Phoenix. Maybe it’s because he was driving the “Freaky Fast” Jimmy Johns car on Sunday. Or maybe it’s just because he’s just really good and pretty much owns Phoenix. Or at least has his own parking spot. This week, Las Vegas. And what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas – so I’ve heard. Does that make sense?

Either way, once again – we pick our favorite drivers like girls pick which team is going to win the NCAA tournament. Jersey colors. But because these guys and Danica don’t really wear jerseys, we pick em by their cars. And we get pretty amped up when the paint schemes come out. Because I like NASCAR. And I like Design. So when the two come together.. “Oh word?”

If you see a cooler/better looking/neater car on Sunday. And you don’t see it here. That could be because one of two things. 1) I may have bad taste. 2) Not every single paint scheme is made available before the race on Sunday. So there.

Best of the Best: Jeff Gordon in the #24 Axalta Chevrolet


Finally! Jeff Gordon is listening to me! Almost! The Rainbow Warrior is looking a little more rainbow warrior-y. This car is slick. Blacked out with flames. Can’t go wrong. I mean I would never put flames on my car. But I have never really been able to pull off a good mustache and I have never been known as the Rainbow Warrior. Not yet at least. Keep up the great work Jeff. I wore my Kevin Harvick Budweiser shirt last week. This week, my Jeff Gordon Hendrick Motorsports shirt. Unfortunately, it’s not rainbowed, but it will do.

Fourth Meal: David Ragan in the #34 Taco Bell Ford


Maybe because I like Taco Bell. Maybe because I like the color purple. Who knows exactly why, but I really like the look of this car. The purple front end, the black back end with a little pink accent in the middle – nailed it. Maybe someone, Taco Bell maybe, NASCAR maybe, David Ragan? Probably not. Thought like a designer and decided, less is more. Because this car, looks fantastic. And only if it had a rainbow on it, would it have beat Jeffy Gordon. Better luck next time David.

Honorable Mention:

Denny HamlinHamlin

  • I held out last week. But three weeks in a row.. I can’t take it anymore. I get it FedEx. You have all kinds of different services that are differentiated by colors. That doesn’t mean you have to make everyone one of you cars the same boring black with a sunburst of purple or green or orange or whatever it is. You’re creative. You did that whole arrow in the logo thing. C’mon. If this happens one more time, I’m writing a letter to you, and sending it via UPS. Get your shit together. Oh and good luck Denny!

Austin DillonScreen Shot 2014-03-07 at 10.24.25 PM

  • The 3 is back. And I’ve got to be honest I love it. I am a huge Dale fan. And after much back and forth, and fine with the 3 back in NASCAR – it honors Dale. But could we also honor him with a better paint scheme. Listen. I know, without sponsors you don’t have NASCAR. Fine. I get that. But if you are going to sponsor the 3 car. Make a freaking white logo and slap it on the hood of an all-black 3 car. That’s it. Final. All black 3 with a little bit a red and white. No more of this yellow shit. Black. Got it?

For the rest of the NASCAR paint schemes that have been released so far for the race on Sunday, click here!

I don’t like.. I don’t want him to.. Again? // Jimmie Johnson


Quick.. Who’s your favorite NASCAR driver?

Jimmie Johnson? Really? How can you cheer for that guy? What about Smoke? Or Jeff Gordon? Or Kevin Harvick or one of the Busch brothers? What about Matt Kenseth or Denny Hamlin or I guess even Carl Edwards? Even Dale Jr. Join Jr. Nation man!

These days, you don’t hear to many people say I rooting for Jimmie Johnson to win. Again. I mean c’mon guy you’ve won 6 championships in the past 8 years. Let someone else get a crack at it. Anyone else!

I’ll be the first to admit that I do not root for Jimmie Johnson to win on Saturday night’s or Sunday afternoons. I’ll even admit that, sorry Mom and Dad, I curse when he does win. It’s boring. It’s old. It’s not fun, exciting, or fun and exciting. It’s jut getting old.

Today I listened to Tony Stewart on the Dan Patrick show. He was asked who he thinks means more to NASCAR.. Jimmie Johnson or Dale Jr.?


Almost a trick question.

My first thought was Dale Jr.

Tony’s response was Jimmie Johnson. I questioned it for a second, and then Tony went on to explain..

We are watching history in the making. They both mean so much to NASCAR. Dale Jr. is the biggest name and the lifeblood of one of the greatest drivers of all-time.

But what Jimmie Johnson is doing is insane. And so important to the sport. Like The Steeler’s in the 70’s, Jordan and the Bull’s in the 90’s. Tiger Woods and Roger Federer. The Yankees of life and the Patriots as of late. Jimmie Johnson is a dynasty. And what he is doing is insane.


You may not root for him this weekend in Las Vegas. I won’t. Or this entire year. I’m not. And you may not want to see him win ever again. But he will. Because whether you like it or not, that’s what fuels him. And when you look back, if you are lucky enough to have kids, grandkids, great grandkids and you are fortunate to get them to listen to you for a good 10 minutes and watch 50 laps of a NASCAR race.

You can tell them about Jimmie Johnson. And how unbelievably dominate he was way back when – in an era with so many talented and competitive drivers. (After all he’s not racing against the Fresno Go-Kart Club.)

When you didn’t want to root for him. And took it all for granted. How he put NASCAR on the map and his name with some of the all-time greats in all of sport.

Again. I ain’t rooting for the guy. But I like the guy. You have to like the guy. If you don’t you are more insane than this dent he is putting in NASCAR history.


“Quote, Unquote” // NASCAR Power Rankings No. 2


The second week in the 2014 NASCAR season is in the books. Mr. Kevin “Happy” Harvick won in the desert and is throwing his weight around in the Stewart-Haas Racing garage. He jumped a spot or two in the power rankings this week, and the one guy people may or may not have expected to be running so damn well at the start of the year isn’t going anywhere. Dale Jr. 1st and 2nd place. Ca’mon boys and girls. Jr. Nation is celebrating tonight!

This week – quotes from maybe the biggest come from behind Oscar winner of all-time, in honor of Matthew McConaghuey.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Press Room

1. Dale Earnhardt Jr. (LW: 1) – Dallas Buyers Club

Ron Woodroof: Am I fucking dreaming?

2. Kevin Harvick (LW: 4) – Dazed And Confused

Wooderson: Let me tell you what Melba Toast is packin’ right here, all right. We got 4:11 Positrac outback, 750 double pumper, Edelbrock intake, bored over 30, 11 to 1 pop-up pistons, turbo-jet 390 horsepower. We’re talkin’ some fuckin’ muscle.


3. Brad Keselowski (LW: 6) — Ghosts of Girlfriends Past

Connor Mead: I am begging you: don’t run away. You and Paul have something so rare, so powerful! Don’t chicken out now.

4. Jimmie Johnson (LW: 3) – Magic Mike

Dallas: Fact is, the law says you cannot touch!

Dallas: But I think I see a lotta lawbreakers up in this house tonight…

5. Jeff Gordon (LW: 7) – Dazed And Confused

Wooderson: Let me tell you this, the older you get the more rules they’re gonna try to get you to follow. You just gotta keep livin’ man, L-I-V-I-N.


6. Kyle Busch (LW: 5) – Dallas Buyers Club

Ron Woodroof: These fuckers are coming at me, man, from all angles. I wanna file a restraining order.

7. Matt Kenseth (LW: 8) – How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days

Ben: Is that too soon to be seeing a therapist?

8. Denny Hamlin (LW: 2) – We Are Marshall

Jack Lengyel: One day, not today, not tomorrow, not this season, probably not next season either but one day, you and I are gonna wake up and suddenly we’re gonna be like every other team in every other sport where winning is everything and nothing else matters.

9.  Joey Logano (LW: NR) – How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days

Ben: That’s what I was, huh? I was your guinea pig, somebody you can test your theories on.


10. Carl Edwards (LW: NR) – Tropic Thunder

Rick Peck: How’s the adoption thing going?

Tugg Speedman: Not good.

Rick Peck: At least you get to choose yours. I’m stuck with mine.

Honorable Mention

Clint Bowyer (LW: HM) – Fool’s Gold

Ben ‘Finn’ Finnegan: Hey, boats sink! No one knows why!

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EDUCATE News No.2 // Harvick Dominates Phoenix #NASCAR (3-4-14)


Kevin Harvick dominates Phoenix, for his 1st win at Stewart-Haas Racing. That’s about all that happened. But not quite. There was some bumping, some words exchanged, and a whole lot of Twitter activity. EDUCATE News breaks down Junior’s arrival to the Tweets, his spotter tweeting during the race and the hashtags that the losing drivers used – they shoulda used #FreakyFast too!

“It’s like if the #406 met SNL.” – Said no one ever.


A fake interview with the real Phoenix winner // Kevin Harvick


ME: So you didn’t waste much time to getting to the winning thing here with Stewart-Haas Racing..

KH: You know it didn’t take long to fit in here. There’s a bunch of great guys. Tony and I have been great pals for a long time now and it’s just a good fit. You know I don’t think I would have made the jump to SHR without feeling comfortable about it.

ME: And you didn’t just win, 224 out of 312 laps..

KH: Yeah we led a lot of laps. But the only lap that matters is at the end of the race. I’m not sure exactly why it is but I love coming here to Phoenix but we run well. I love running down on the low groove and passing on that apron it’s just fun. We had a lot of fun out there today and I couldn’t have done it without my guys and especially Rodney.

ME: It felt like you absolutely crushed every single restart, until the last one of the day when it mattered the most. What’s up with that?

KH: Yeah I don’t know what happened there. We had been doing really well and I think getting some help from Joey on a few. That’s something I’ve been working a lot on, trying to get right – you can win or lose a race all on that restart. Luckily that last one didn’t cost me too much I don’t think.


ME: Have they given you a VIP parking spot for your camper at Phoenix yet, or a golden star on the sidewalk somewhere? Maybe all you can eat hot dogs..

KH: All you can eat nachos would be nice. They don’t have a camper parking spot for me yet but that would be nice, maybe that’s something I can work on for when I come back in the fall.

ME: Good call. Let’s work on that. You lapped Austin Dillon shortly after you took the lead. Did you think about putting him into the wall at all?

KH: It didn’t really cross my mind. You know what I said last year is in the past, I’ve talked to Richard about it and Ty and Austin and they’re good kids. I think it got blown out of proportion a little bit and I wouldn’t get back into them during a race I don’t think. Especially that #3 car. It’s pretty fancy looking isn’t?


ME: Oh it sure is. I kept waiting for you to thank Richard Childress and the RCR team in victory lane. Did you almost slip at all or feel like thanking him anyway?

KH: It was close. I mean I said it 20 sometimes over 13 years, it was kind of a habit. I did a little practicing in front of the mirror though.

ME: So you feel good about staying and working for your buddy Tony?

KH: As long as he keeps his hands off my wife, I feel pretty good about working for Tony for quite a while.

ME: Would you rather have a Jimmy Johns bath or a Budweiser bath?

KH: Either one. As long as that #4 Chevy is in victory lane.


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Phoenix This Weekend // Best & Worst Paint Schemes

KyleBusch Skittles

Off a very exciting Daytona 500, we head to Phoenix where the season “officially” starts. And because we pick our favorite drivers like girls pick which team is going to win the NCAA tournament, we get pretty amped up when the paint schemes come out. (Oh girls pick their favorite jerseys, not “student-athlete’s” cars – those are all black Escalades, that would get redundant. But it seems as if every year some girl wins the NCAA Bracket Pool creating a shit storm, but we will save that for another day)

Best of the Best: Kyle Busch in the #18 Skittles Toyota

It doesn’t get much better than this boys and girls. This is one sharp hot rod. I keep asking, praying, begging for Jeff Gordon to bring back the “Rainbow Warrior” car. I think this is the closest I will ever get to seeing that happen again. I’m actually really rooting for Kyle Busch to make it to victory lane so he can make it rain Skittles and shout, “TASTE THE RAINBOW SUCKAS!” The only thing that would make this car better is if Marshawn Lynch’s mug appeared somewhere on the car. Preferably the hood.

Check out this AWESOME video and my new dream job, of the new Skittle’s wrap being put on Kyle’s car: Kyle Busch to follow the rainbow to Phoenix

Screen Shot 2014-02-28 at 8.42.03 PM

Not the worst but ehh..: Paul Menard in the #27 Pittsburgh Paints/Menards Chevrolet

I like Paul. And being a Midwesterner, I like Menards. Great dog products. I also like to paint. This car isn’t terrible. But. Eh. It could be a lot better. C’mon Pittsburg Paints. I mean your logo is a rainbow, what about the freaking “Rainbow Warrior” car?!

I’m really sorry to worry about obsession with rainbows..

Screen Shot 2014-02-28 at 8.41.47 PM

Maybe a little worse, not terrible but still ehh..: Kyle Larson in the #42 Clorox Chevrolet

The only thing that would make this car worse is if Juan Pablo was still driving it.

Honorable Mention:

Dale Earnhardt JrScreen Shot 2014-02-28 at 9.05.34 PM

  • Sticking with the Daytona winning National Guard paint scheme. America. Love it.

Brad KeselowskiScreen Shot 2014-02-28 at 9.05.09 PM

  • Really enjoyed seeing the throwback Miller Lite Car. Guess I was wrong when said it’d be around for a while.

Jimmie JohnsonScreen Shot 2014-02-28 at 9.05.28 PM

  • I don’t think Jimmie’s Lowe’s car is ever going to make the best list. But it will never make the worst. Consistently a sharp looking car. Let’s jazz it up a little bit though eh 6-time?

Check out all released paint schemes here: Phoenix Paint Scheme Preview

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Stewart-Haas Racing.. wtf?


Like quite a few people, I went out on a limb and said Stewart-Haas Racing was going to be unstoppably dominant in 2014. BOY WAS I WRONG.

No, no let’s be serious – I didn’t exactly go out on a limb, and it was just one race. One race that features 200 laps of 200mph 3 wide racing where it’s any man or woman’s (Richard Petty shaking his head) race.

But it wasn’t exactly a confident boost.

1200xDanica Patrick finished 40th after a crash with about 60 laps to go. Tony Stewart finished 35th after yet another engine problem. The “Ou41aw” Kurt Busch almost graced the top 20. Almost, finishing 21st. And Kevin Harvick led the pack placing lucky number 13, which could have been, should have been, a top 5ish but ended up getting collected in the wall on the final lap of the race.

So.. off the top of my head, if this were golf and adding all those up that would be.. Not good.

But again. One race. Yeah, Hendrick Motorsports went 1-4-5 and 31 (damn you Kasey Kahne really could have nailed this one) but you can’t yeah quite compare SHR to Mr. Hendrick. Or even Coach Gibbs. Unfortunately.

We knew those two teams, Hendrick and Gibbs would be there. Dominating. We are hoping, Stewart-Haas could be there as well.

Let’s not over react too much. But let’s pick it up a little bit boys and girls. We knew we would be talking A LOT about one of the most interesting teams in all of NASCAR. Just didn’t think it would be for ALL the wrong reasons.

Luckily, Daytona can be a fluke – just don’t tell Dale Jr. that. Or Tony Stewart. And luckily we are off to Phoenix this weekend where the #4 Budweiser Chevy from SHR has won 2 of the last 3 races there. So let’s don’t let us down again boys! And girls! Sorry King!

There’s still time to be that dominant team we all knew you could be! Please!


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“Quote, UnQuote” // NASCAR Power Rankings No. 1


The first week in the 2014 NASCAR season is in the books. Mr. Dale Earnhardt Jr. won The Great American Race and is poised to win it all this year. Right? That’s how that works isn’t it? Well he isn’t really guaranteed a Championship, but he does have a spot in the Chase, so that’s a good start. And although the super speedways are every man and woman’s race, we still have to come up with a power rankings. BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT AMERICA DOES. And because we like to go against the grain, and love movies – we thought we’d combine the two.

This week – quotes from some of the greatest comedies of all-time, in honor of Harold Ramis.


1. Dale Earnhardt Jr. — Groundhog Day

Phil: I’m a god.

Rita: You’re God?

Phil: I’m a god. I’m not the God… I don’t think.

2. Denny Hamlin — Groundhog Day

Phil: I’m betting he’s going to swerve first.

3. Jimmie Johnson — Ghostbusters

Dr Ray Stantz: I think we’d better split up.

Dr. Egon Spengler: Good idea.

Dr. Peter Venkman: Yeah… we can do more damage that way.

4. Kevin Harvick — Animal HouseAnimal-House_a3933c4a_0

D-Day: We have an old saying in Delta House: don’t get mad, get even.

5. Kyle Busch — Caddyshack

Richard Richards: Better come in till this blows over.

Bishop: What do you think, fella?

Carl Spackler: I’d keep playing. I don’t think the heavy stuff’s gonna come down for quite awhile.

Bishop: You’re right. Anyway, the Good Lord would never disrupt the best game of my life.

6. Brad Keselowski — Groundhog Daygroundhog-day-driving

Phil: It’s the same thing your whole life: “Clean up your room. Stand up straight. Pick up your feet. Take it like a man. Be nice to your sister. Don’t mix beer and wine, ever.” Oh yeah: “Don’t drive on the railroad track.”

7. Jeff Gordon — Caddyshack

Ty Webb: I’m going to give you a little advice. There’s a force in the universe that makes things happen. And all you have to do is get in touch with it, stop thinking, let things happen, and be the ball.

8. Matt Kenseth — Caddyshack

Dr. Beeper: I thought you’d be the man to beat this year.

Ty Webb: I guess you’ll just have to keep beating yourself.

9. Kurt Busch — Ghostbusters

Dr. Peter Venkman: I’m gonna take back some of the things I said about you, Egon.

10. Paul Menard — CaddyshackMurray-Caddy-Shack-groundhog

Carl Spackler: Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac… It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole!

Honorable Mention

Austin Dillon and Clint Bowyer — Animal House

Flounder: I can’t believe I threw up in front of Dean Wormer.

Boon: Face it, Kent. You threw up “on” Dean Wormer.

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